California Dreaming  

rm_tennismaiden 61F
2103 posts
2/26/2006 7:04 am

Last Read:
3/6/2008 6:17 am

California Dreaming

For all of you whom I love so dearly, thank you for sticking by me, sending your warm wishes and commenting on my blogs. Being here is priceless and as I heal in body and mind I will slowly reveal again my eclectic thoughts and memories.

The air is crispy this morning, described by the grass which crunches underfoot when taking each deliberate step. I tried letting Tucker (yellow lab puppy) out first thing at 6 am. He goes on a line that attaches from the doorway to a tree up in back the yard, I tried pushing him out, but to no avail I had to accompany him down the steps. We stood there, him looking up at me as if to say “well what did you expect mom”? Frolicking about and eating most loosened debris scattered about the lawn. NO peeing and NO pooping. The grass was quite stiff from the February chill and finally realizing he would not do his business we stepped inside for warmth.

I am feeling more creative again, (all good things come to those who wait), and was inspired by an early morning dream I had upon awakening. Now you might think that having a dream is no biggie natural occurrence for some. Not me! I very rarely dream (well I dream but don’t remember) but this morning something magical happened. This could all be correlated to my recent health findings and as my synapses, wiring, hormones and chemicals become leveled and harmonious I could in fact slowly be “normal” again. OK…what’s normal for “Tennismaiden”? Hell if I know….

Let’s back track for a moment; I had the most delicious conversation with someone quite unique from California last night. As we were exploring the unknown of titillating, deep, prophetic, and compassionate exchange new places were being offered for me to journey. My mind settled into such gentle abandon, I was beginning to trust something I hadn’t been able to for months. You know those “warm/ fuzzy” feelings that say…you’re not alone and all your physical connections are being exercised? Yeah…those.

Aside from being totally relinquished upon this stranger who lives hundreds of miles away he was beginning to settle deep within my psyche and probing possibilities that I can feel alive and healthy again. Yeah bloggers…. my juices and mojo was being tickled and it felt good! We eventually ended our phone session and I made my way to bed. The plan was to visit the kitchen and have a healthy dose of yogurt with peaches. OMG…. when I bounded down the steps to the epicenter of my home my oldest son was warming “Cinnabons” in the microwave. SHIT! Does it have to be those? Yes…since receiving my diagnosis I’ve celebrated a bit and man I dove….right into carbs that screamed “you’ll have to swim an extra week just to get me off you’re hips bitch”!

So here it is after sleeping I awoke with a pleasant memory…of days gone by, innocence and young indulgences of the flesh. Ooooo how I rejoiced! ON a Sunday morning I began to believe “YES TENNISMAIDEN THERE IS A GOD”! I remembered the faint draw to eyes cerulean blue, streaked locks of golden highlights that toppled on his head and a smile that was offset, devilishly wicked and virginal. I recalled young Brent.

He was the son of a family I baby-sat for years ago. The Parents very successful NY city dwellers that also had a home on the lake I grew up during summers since I was 10 years old. When I was 18 I began living with this family off an on at the lake and in NY caring and nurturing these children while the parents went through separation and divorce. There were two children, the boy who was 3 years younger and the girl 8 years younger than I. I cooked, cleaned, shopped, did all the expected requirements with one taboo exception…..I fell head over heels into infatuation with this young man who captured my longings.

There were many intimate moments with this virginal beauty….I suppose one could surmise I stepped over the line of appropriate behavior. All kept very discreet and secret while we went about our lives till the day came he packed and left for private school in New Jersey. At that point I lived in New York with Mom and daughter while attending college and my brief rendezvous with the son had ended.

In my dream I summoned those memories, which remain sacred, the glances, touches, the feelings of youth so fresh and filled with hope. Hello young lovers….welcome to a world with no rhyme or reason caught in the midst of chaos and confusion. How glorious to capture his face, behind him the wavy green waters and billowy-clouded blue sky of the place I hold most dear in my heart. Some moments you never forget and how magnificent that we visit them time and again in our dreams…like they were yesterday.

“Look everyone “tennismaiden” is back!”

rm_Keystone3812 66M
583 posts
2/26/2006 8:31 am

Nice to see you posting, TM. I always enjoy your writing and creativity. I sent you several, and am wondering if you received them. I hope you did. Have a great Sunday!

gussax 52M

2/26/2006 12:07 pm

I enjoyed the posting. Just on comment on dreams. Dreaming is always nice. I love waking up from dreams, but waking up without remembering your dream can actually be better or worse depending on circumstances. When we dream it is my understanding that we are not all the way into deep sleep. There are stages of sleep. The stage that allows dreaming is the second deepest stage. If you do not remember your dreams it means that you are waking up in the deepest stage of sleep which is good. When you wake up remembering your dream it means you never reached the deepest stage of sleep. You can also wake up before you get to the dream stage, which is even worse. So if you are getting a good nights rest and not remembering your dream, then you are living a pretty healthy sleep life.

My favorite dream is always the dream when I flap my hands and fly. Sometimes I soar just above the treetops or telephone poles, but once I remember soaring way into outerspace, with the stars and planets. it was an AWESOME dream

rm_anacortes 75M
2850 posts
2/26/2006 5:00 pm

Often one hears the question, "what are we/ who am I"??

From your post it seems clear to me that our being has many connections and since we know the "present" is sooooooooo slippery that it becomes "past" almost as soon as we become aware of it.
So, by pure math our connections with the present are outnumbered by those with the "past". In your case, dear Goddess, you have some very wonderful "connectons" to relfect on. Good luck and a hug.

campfirecozy 68M

2/27/2006 4:09 am


Sweet post. I, too, share your experience of losing the ability to dream and have in just recent months discovered how to re-connect...there is sooooo much creative energy to be mined from your sleeping sub-conscious! Please do not give up on regaining the joys of whatever you need to do to make this a part of your life again.


HeardLankaMalls 56M
2925 posts
2/27/2006 5:03 am

Nice post TM.

Nice how the dreams and memories come back to enrich our lives or that certain time that we need them. Or "need" them


WoodyDiaryKepis 63M
99 posts
2/27/2006 9:51 am

You're quite a wordsmith, TM. My dreams from that time are a bit different- All I ever got when I was 15 was a swift kick in the ass, that is, until I graduated my "virginal" self from my inner-city high school and "packed" myself off to working my way through 8 years of college/postgraduate education.

Nevertheless, those WERE exciting times, with seemingly endless possiblities. As we get older, those doors close behind us, and dreams become nostalgia...

"Nature always favors the hidden fault. "- (Murphy's Third Law)

SpaceRangerNJ 56M
4687 posts
2/27/2006 10:33 am

♪All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey...♬
Welcome back! Glad you are feeling better.
Yeah, we have a dog like yours. Sometimes she won't go out unless you step out with her. I wonder what they are thinking?
I've been having weird dreams lately but I think it's fever induced.
What a wonderful memory. And to see it played out in your dreams must have been wonderful. Carry it with you where ever you go.

aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
2/27/2006 10:44 am

Welcome back! I'm very happy that you are feeling better... I know what it's like to finally be put on meds that work and make you feel better... It is a wonderful feeling, for sure!

MyRealLoverOne 47M

2/27/2006 6:12 pm

So glad to have the lovely maiden back!

rm_molittle69 47M
117 posts
2/27/2006 7:34 pm

Looks like it put that beautiful smile back on your face, nice to see.
Now about this menopause thing, you are way to young for that!
and is'nt it just that, a little pause from the opposite gender, untill things straighten themselves out?
coincidence or just plain old irony? I think I'm leaning more toward irony athough not completly convinced that this medical term was coined by a male doctor. LOL

best wishes

"Molittle - Man I hate G ratings...or being censored....I guess that's why I'm here right? Mixing it up with a little class and humor...what could be better? BTW....I'm trying to get the body fat down but there's this little thing called menopause that keeps gettin in the way! LOL "

juris1993 58M

2/28/2006 9:57 am

I have missed reading you....need to find you more often wish you had not disappeared dinner would be great.

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