Here They Are. The Greatest Sex Techniques In the World  

rm_talldarkavg1 107M
15586 posts
3/27/2006 10:51 am
Here They Are. The Greatest Sex Techniques In the World

I was asked to reprint this in case you missed it. As resident sex authority, and part-time question complicator for the IRS, I felt it was my duty to share my all-time sex secrets!

Here is the one question that has plagued men throughout the centuries. Why can't I breathe through my penis? Well, I don't know. The number two question is, How do I satisfy her like no other before me ? That one I know.

It's all in the technique. I will share some time-tested secrets of giving her calf cramps unlike any she has ever had. That's right...within minutes of reading this article, you too will have mastered the art of making her toes touch her heels!

First off...ORAL. Here is a sterling opportunity to enter her All Star Hall of Fame . Now guys remember, slow is the key. Start slow, SLOWLY increase the intensity, and finish with a bang. Here's the technique.

Most guys figure that using the tongue on the clitoris is enough. Wrong, mouth of iguana! There is so much more! Her inner thighs are also sensitive. So is the vagina. USE ALL OF THESE AREAS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE! Focus the tongue on the opening of the vagina. Here's the secret...flare your nostrils on the clitoris...and wiggle your ears! You have just covered all the bases my friend.

As she becomes more aroused, vary from a slow nostril flare to the advanced Samatha Stevens move. It's tricky, but once mastered it is unforgetable. At the same time, the ears should be wiggled in unison at first, then alternated in latter stages.

Now, the actual orgasm stage requires some pre-act preparation. Secretly hide a steam driven train whistle in the room. As she reaches orgasm...lay on the whistle. We're not talking a quick toot toot here guys...LAY on that puppy. She'll think it's her. She'll swear she saw Jesus. You will become immortal!

One on One intercourse is a snap ... once you know the secret ! Remember slow? Here too. Undress yourself slowly, NEVER break eye contact. As you slide your underwear off your hips...inhale and slightly raise your shoulders. Add a barely perceptable wiggle as they clear the hips.

Walk toward her with your best manly walk, slip into bed, NEVER break eye contact, and slowly undress her. Here is the first secret...begin wrapping her head with duct tape. From the chin to the top, around and around. At first she'll just think it is kinky, but after the third wrap she'll ask what you're doing. Explain, "I don't want the top of your head to blow off!". She'll smile. Begin to KISS! Often, passionately, and everywhere. Once she starts begging you to so...but partially. Partial is the key here.

Gradually introduce the entire length. Now the final secret...guys do not be afraid to experiment! Attaching a car battery to your testicles can be an experience neither of you will soon forget. The addition of a simple on off switch will send you both to heaven...or a nearby ER. In either're immortal!

With a little will be a Hall of Famer.

[blog talldarkavg1]

southrnpeach333 52F

3/27/2006 12:30 pm

flaring nostril and wiggling ears, so hot......

rm_talldarkavg1 107M
10172 posts
3/27/2006 12:58 pm

Peach...I felt it only fair to share with my brethren.

[blog talldarkavg1]

expatbrit49 64M

3/27/2006 1:54 pm

rofl, wiggling ears ... well as I have had a demonstration I know you can do it

Thank You for Your Time and Attention

TTigerAtty 63M

3/27/2006 3:44 pm

The Kama Hoosier Sutra according to [blog talldarkavg1] Thanks! I will try that BOT (battery on the testicles) technique!

demonicsexkitten 43F
10689 posts
3/27/2006 4:26 pm

ear wiggles...... oooooooooooh!!! *shudders with delight at the thought*

hehehehe thanks for sharing this

VATraveler1948 69M

3/27/2006 4:31 pm

I tried your suggestion with the train whistle but I made a critical error in my planning. My biggest mistake was that I attempted to cut corners. Steam driven whistles are hard to find and when you do find one it's a bitch to get into the bedroom. Soooo, I bought one of those wooden train whistle thingies (this is an railroad technical term, don't question it's validity) at the local Cracker Barrel. It sounds pretty realistic when you give it a good puff of air. I made a critical error though, I took my eyes off hers for a couple of seconds... well it was more like a minute or two as I attempted to get my combat boots untied. When I looked back at the woman she had that darn wooden whistle buried all the way in her pussy. She did have a nice smile on her face but she ended up with splinters in the most inconvenient place. The doctors at the ER were amused. There was another downside, the darn whistle doesn't work worth a hoot when it's wet.

libgemOH 57M/53F

3/27/2006 5:25 pm

Ear wiggling? Nostril flaring? Steam whistles? Car batteries?

I guess I better get back to sex ed man! I think I'm way behind the times now!

BTW, I think VATraveler is trying to upstage you there! -B

LustyTaurus 50M
21253 posts
3/27/2006 9:52 pm

So exactly how does one hook up a car battery to one's testicles?...the traditional jumper cable seems a bit agessive. I am trying to be open minded here, as I believe in the value of listening to experts whenever possible...I just need a little extra clarification.

Also, do I have to use 3M brand duct tape? Some of the competitors knock offs are a bit cheaper. Again, I just want to get it right.


2943 posts
3/27/2006 11:29 pm

OMG I think I found the silly blog......THANK GOODNESS!!!
Now about my drink........


rm_talldarkavg1 107M
10172 posts
3/29/2006 8:04 am

Expat...we have learned from each other. I watched you closely with the waitresses at the convention dinner. Pure artistry.

[blog talldarkavg1]

rm_talldarkavg1 107M
10172 posts
3/29/2006 8:05 am

Tiger...mind signing a disclaimer first?

[blog talldarkavg1]

rm_talldarkavg1 107M
10172 posts
3/29/2006 8:06 am

Kitten my pleasure. Watch for my semminars at a Stuckey's near you!

[blog talldarkavg1]

rm_talldarkavg1 107M
10172 posts
3/29/2006 8:08 am

VA my sympathies...eye contact is important. Keep in mind, when the whistle dries out it will warp.

[blog talldarkavg1]

rm_talldarkavg1 107M
10172 posts
3/29/2006 8:09 am

Gem keep in mind these are advanced techniques. NOT for amateurs!

[blog talldarkavg1]

rm_talldarkavg1 107M
10172 posts
3/29/2006 8:12 am

Taurus some things you just cannot scrimp on. Quality duct tape is the key here. As far as the actual hookup goes...use FLAT toothless clamps. They may slip off but will save you ER runs at inopportune times.

[blog talldarkavg1]

rm_talldarkavg1 107M
10172 posts
3/29/2006 8:13 am

Sinn...drinks are on me. Name it.

[blog talldarkavg1]

timeforfun219 43M/43F  
2155 posts
4/4/2006 9:53 am

I laughed so hard I almost peed myself... You certainly have a very entertaining blog.

If my boobs were bigger I'd be a BBW!

TTigerAtty 63M

4/5/2006 3:38 pm

I, TTigerAtty, being of sound mind and body do hereby release [blog talldarkavg1] from all potential liability arising from the application of his suggested BOT technique as promoted in his posting of 3/27/06. I agree to hold TDA1 harmless and without any blame or complicity whatsoever for any personal injuries which may occur to my testicles, scrotum or groin area and/or any emotional trauma which may be related thereto. In an effort to protect TDA1's identity, I agree not to inform my sex partner who has provided me the detailed technical information or conceptual idea for the BOT technique. In this way, should she be injured in any way, she will only have me to sue and will not be able to subjugate the liability on to TDA1.

I affix my signature hereunder this Fifth Day of April in the Year of Our Lord 2006.


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