My Life  

rm_sexypinay16 45F
389 posts
4/23/2006 11:02 pm

Last Read:
2/15/2008 8:19 pm

My Life

I am making the best of it now. My time alone is very precious to me. I still have two more months to enjoy my freedom. Watching silly and hilarious movies with my kids. Cooking our breakfast in peace and happiness with my brats. Talking to them at night while in bed asking them about evrything their innocent souls could tell me. My great time with my kids to parties and malls are my happiest. Our picnics and family gatherings were I am free to talk and to feel are very important to me. My time with my goodold pals each morning with a cup of tea and my solitary walks in the convents and monasteries praying every Saturday were very important to me. My being here at AdultFriendFinder , blogging is also my
happiest. My time with my few close friends during Friday night. Reading novels , writing my journals and doing my paintings are heavens to me. These are the things that I love to do as
a woman and as a mom.

But all of these will be gone one day. I could no longer do what my heart wants to do if he will come home. HE owns my time, my life and individuality. He hated my interests . He dont like me reading and painting when he is around. Idle work he told me. He hated my parents, of all the support and love they showered to our children when he was away , he could not bring himself to say thank you or to appreciate them. He hated dining out and malling . Too expensive ,we cannot afford he always said. He hated me when I go my favorite place , the quiet monastery, He dont like the place, he hate being too religous. He sulk and whinned when my 100 % attention and love is not focused on him.

Even when he see a far away look in my eyes or mysterious grin fall across my face , he was annoyed,he sulked.

One thing he hate most is my work and the passion I have in it. He hated my achievements. NAH!!! Evry year I was awarded 5-10 awards in the different contest categories for being a teacher coach but I don't show them to him because he will just told me that awards were not important, the most important is my loyalty as a mommy and wife. That's why every year I just kept them in my store room, they are there multiplying in numbers every year. I don't see them as achievements too, they were just pieces of papers to me. Even during awarding ceremonies he was not around for me even when he was here in our home. He would rather stay home than watched me being applauded. He just keep quiet and he stays indifferent when something like this comes to me.
To him awards are not important in this world .

I was not allowed to dress the way I want,but sometimes I am too stubborn, but a cold treatment will be given to me as a punishment.

I was not lucky enough to gain this trust when it comes to money. When he was home, I don'tmanage our household bills. A practice that we are doing ever since we got married, He was the one who hold our budget. I have my work and i earn its ok. But I must admit it creates a very deep wound in soul. I was not trusted by him. He was the one who goes to groceries and markets to buy our weekly food. For me i could bear any pain just for my kids to eat and have a secure life . At home I never whined. I never complain. I just accept so we will not fight. If only I could shut my mouth and never to argue then we will be at peace. I just do my wifely task. I have to remain peaceful and steadfast no matter how painful. Just like my mom told me,,suffer but suffer with dignity.

I never learn to expect gifts from him even during the early years of my marriage. He cannot afford he always tell me. A fact that I tried very hard to understand. Gifts, money and material things are not important , I would always console myself. It hurts and it made me cry over the years for I was so envy evrytime my friends told me what their husbands has given them.

There was a time , when I found out a truth that crushed me, his parents kept his
accounts for him.They hold our passbook , a truth that they kept from me. I cried , my kids and I
have gone through difficult times, missing meals, me going in and out of debts. Still Ikept quiet and I kept on my pace, I performed my duty well, I confronted him when he went home two years ago. He was furious than I . He was trying to leave me. He packed his things telling me that I am hopeless. I told him that if he decided to walk out on me, I will never bring him back. And I am serious. He didnt go. Deep inside me I was devastated that he didnt go...I wanted him to go away forever and never go back....

During those times I was asking God for a discernment. If I should hang on or not, I proposed a plan to buy a house , so we look around for a house and we will pay it monthly so, we arranged the papers and money. Bec I was telling God that if he will agree in buying that house it means God wanted me to hang on and start life again but a week b4 he will leave he told me that he was backing off with our plan with the house that we both wanted becuase his parents dont approve.

God must be right. I cannot hang on this man. I cannot live my life like this for the next 20 years. There were times that I thought he loves me, that he will be hurt if I will leave him. But now I am ready and firm . I cannot carry on . I dont know how will I tell him, I am scared but I have to plan and be ready.

The next few months I might not able to get here at AdultFriendFinder, that i might give this up ,so as the other things that i love doing,but my heart will always be here and to all the people I love here.
He hated it when I have my secret world. He hated it when I keep things from him. Actually he already invaded my inbox two years ago, without my permission. He gave me his silent treatment and cruel remarks. He hated me when I go here online. I dont know what will happen to me when he goes home. I will leave this world temporarily and I will try to slip from him whenver it is possible for me.

Rightnow, I will write as much as I can. I will follow my heart. I will just cross the bridge when I get there. But I am ready to fight for my life and for my kids. Writing about him relieves me. This was my life for almost 12 years. Sometimes it makes me feel like a guilty fool talkimg about him in my journals but writing ligthens this weight in my chest. I have no choice.

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

rm_sexypinay16 45F
311 posts
4/25/2006 3:46 am

S2W...thanks for dropping by to read my post. Thanks for the beautiful words. Writing has been my solace and my refuge all these years. He will never ever take away my dreams and passions. I am made of tougher stuff much stronger than he is. The fire , passion and dreams are still within me ever blazing and real. Someday in God's perfect time I could use all of these to be able to live happily in a land where I will find my destiny. As of this time, I am preparing to stand on my own and to win some battles. thanks for dropping more ok

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

rm_sexypinay16 45F
311 posts
4/25/2006 3:35 am

Hello Cool...nice to hear from you again. These hardships and trials have made me a striving person in my workplace. It has made an artist out of me. I have used this struggle for me to work hard and achieve more professionally. He could never ver take away my dreams from me. He could never kill or dominate the strong spirit behind me. I am going after my dreams one day at a time with God's help and guidance. Someday when I achieved this dream I will eventually follow my heart too. Someday...thats just an arms lenght away from me. thanks Cool..keep on reading..thanks MWah!!!

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

rm_sexypinay16 45F
311 posts
4/25/2006 3:29 am

Naughty...thank you for your kind words. Someday when you get older and wise and you will have a lot of kids you will realize that seeking for one's happiness is not easy. What made me hang on all these years is not the love I have for him but its because of the great love that I have for my kids. Leaving and breaking away from a person you have married is not easy. My kids deserve a complete home free from the cruelties of heartbreak. One thing that I could not do is to tell them that we are moving because their dad is rotten . I cannot do that. They have to love and respect this man because he is their dad.Whatver pain and troubles he caused me , I could bear that secretly so they would be free from any bitterness and pain. I wanted them to grow up to be good and decent people who are slow to anger and with so much patience and goodness in their hearts. Leaving is easy but the consequences if it will leave marks in the souls and hearts of my kids for all their lives. Someday we will leave the three of us with out any pain and bitterness between me and their dad. I was still asking God for miracles to change this man , that our love for him will be enough to change him but if not then its time to go...and Iknow I will feel no regret because I did my best to save my marriage. Someday...somehow my kids will grow up and they will understand that people are not really meant to be together, they just differ thats why they cant live together. Someday happiness will just be around the corner after this storm has gone....

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

rm_set2wait 54M

4/24/2006 8:21 pm

Sexy Pinay....I'm stunned. What an amazing, courageous woman you are. I hope you find a way to escape this monster, this so-called man, and his greedy family. I'm glad you discovered blogging here. Your writing is so powerful, so moving. Keep all your precious thoughts, dreams, and passions locked up in your heart, away from the monsters of this world. Nobody else has a right to take them from you. They belong to you and you alone.

It's perhaps none of my business, but it seems to me that you're still young enough to begin a new life. You have friends and family that would stand by you. And certainly there are many good men that would love and cherish you for your intelligence, warmth, and courage.

Thank you for sharing this wonderful aspect of yourself....


10 posts
4/24/2006 8:16 pm

sorry if i was able to comment just now, i went on a much needed vacation to prepare myself to face some problems of our harsh reality...

Just live your life the way you want it and the way you hope it to be. Never be dissuaded from your dreams and goals, it is you who knows what u want and what is best or you, always keep fighting for that. You should be happy, you deserve to be happy... never let anyone take that away from you. It won't be easy, yes, but at least in the end, you'll find happiness and fullfilment knowing that you lived life the way you wanted it to be. We are always here for you, I will keep on praying for you and hoping that everything becomes ok for you. May you find the happiness you look for... take care always ^_^

naughtycopol 42M/33F

4/24/2006 6:15 am

hi sexy pinay,although im young(21),i fully understand what u feel..i belong to a broken family..i cant say that my dad left us and my mom works here in hongkong to support us the truth is he stayed with us knowing that we will be agood use for him mom is working and me too..the hardest and painful part of my life is the years(when im 12-16yrs old) seeing that my family is starting to dad having a mistress while my mom is working abroad,it hurts so bad everytime i remember the i prayed hard to God to lighten my dad's path to come back to us and have a happy family again ive waited for years but it never and it got worse,he have a 4 kids in her 1st mistress and 2 kids with her 2nd mistress..i felt a great pain in my heart knowing how wonderful my mom is but he still manage to have 2 mistresses i hate my dad so much in that point of my im here in hongkong too helping my mom so we can start our new life..because i know how much he loves my dad giving him too many chances to the extent that my mom even give a bunch of money to my dad dad promised that he will changed,and the result he used the money to her mistresses..being a irresponsible father to us.were 4 and im the 2nd oldest,but things are not that easy,and they are not menat to be together.there is no hope to reconcile coz my dad doesnt love my mom, he admits it with my mom's cousin..thats why we have to accept the truth and live our own lives,,i hope we can communicate thru mails coz i enjoy reading ur mails..maybe u wont believe it that ive experience different,relationship etc..there are times i wnt 2 give up but god is too good he always gives me the light whenever i cannot carry on as if he is carrying me when im in the lowest point of my life..yes there are many ways to keep ur marriage but this is the only thing i want 2 tell u..we only live once and your so blessed having kids,i know when their old enough they will be the one caring for u,i know u can pass these trial in ur life coz of ur faith but if u wont react in any of this things u will never have a happy peaceful life,dont let anyone control ur life even ur hubby coz he dont deserve you,im just thinking maybe if the things u wrote on ur blog keeps going u have to act soon..coz this guy wont leave u for a simple reason he wants u to give up thats why his giving u a hard time..hope im not misjudging ur blogs but as i read it i realized his life is being controlled by his parents while he takes control of ur life..i know being a single mom is a big responsibility but i know u can do it..much better than experiencing all those sufferings that u dont deserve dont let urself be degrade by that man that u married and waste ur time..i know something is wrong u just have to search the answers for all the questions that rises in ur mind..fight for ur right and for what u believe dont let him ruin ur life for more years..i hope to hear from u again..hoping that u choose the right thing leaving that guy and moving on with ur kids and having a great time of ur life..goodluck girl i know u can do it..

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