rm_sexypinay16 45F
389 posts
10/11/2005 5:04 am

Last Read:
12/7/2010 10:16 am


One late afternoon I was about to finished another painting ,well Ive paint a sunset in different colors this time. More of pastel shades of blue. After a few more strokes and I'm done. When something caught my attention...Misty,she is our baby in this house. As I looked at her she looks so sad. Misty is a parrot which I bought 6 months ago to a friend. I stood up and went near her . Yes, she was sad. She was not in her normal happy self. I was thinking whats wrong with her. I love her so much. What's makes her so sad like this? She has this cute pink cage which the kids and I decorated. But something about this cage makes me think of something else. Pink ..cute..beautiful..cage but it's still a cage to her. It's not her home and she can't free herself. She was locked in that damn cage full of silent anger and sorrow. And so sad and totally deprived of her happiness and abused.
Misty is like me...locked in a cage forever. I was doomed to spend my whole lifetime within the vows I made years ago. I was destined to be spend my entire life being a good and loyal woman. No matter how abandoned I felt for many years. All these years of emotional beatings and indifference are the fibers of my cage. All these
years of longing for respect, love, attention and security has finally taken its toll. My wounds are getting deeper and they forever leave marks in my soul. The hardships and stuggles I suffered were nothing compared to the loneliness,abandonment and pains that Im going through while Im living in this cage I made for myself. I got myself into it therefore I must find a way to work this out and make it a better place . But the most important things is I must stay forever they say.

Misty is luckier because we are hands on to her needs, we care, we give and we love her. She is well provided for, pampered,showered, respected and most of all she is loved.

Nt unlike me . I was only created to concievedkids and be a great mom.I was created to be an obedient partner who keeps her thoughts to herself and follow and endure. And everything starts and ends there.

That's my life. The woman in me was long forgotten. In all these years of lonely struggle and hurts inflicted on every fiber of my soul was kept and endured.
ForI know I was destined to spend my whole life time with him because of my vow. The people will not understand me. The culture and the society where I grew up
will not approved.
In this cage I ve learned to be more patient..more sensitive to the needs of my be more submissive. But what kills me is Ive learned to be build a secret world where no one can hurt and dominate my heart, soul and mind. Ive learn to look at things differently.
I ve learned to sin in my thoughts and in my heart. The concept of guilt and resentment come face to face to me. I dont like to be like this. I wanted to get out but I will hurt a lot of people most esp my kids. I wanted to be hide..where no one will hurt me again. I wanted to see myself and to feel that the woman behind this battered spirit is still alive and the fire is still here. All I do now is to weep and suffer alone. The pages of this journals are my secret world and all the people that I ve talked with are my secret linkages to the outside world.
Mysons are not aware of this silent and difficult battle because I don't want them to think that I failed as a person and as woman to their dad.
Maybe I deserved all the hurts and indifference. I dont know what awaits me in this lifetime but I know someday I will be more tough and brave to leave this lonely cage. But I know the key is in my hand. Someday I know I can fly high again.

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

rm_sexypinay16 45F
311 posts
10/15/2005 2:32 am

Thank you for Jim for the comment.Sorry if my writings breaks your heart but thank you for the concern and thoughtfulness you are giving me. Someday I can fly again dont worry. And I know I already did my best and gave all of me for the good of my marriage. Now I come to the idea that I must accept the fact that there are things in life that cannot be repaired anymore. As for me no matter how I wanted to make it work out but the most important ingredients of a happy home is now already gone. In my ffg blogs you will learn more about me. God bless you and your family.

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

rm_sexypinay16 45F
311 posts
10/13/2005 6:32 am

Hello Thank you so much for taking time to read me. I dont know who are you but I can sense that you are a very good man. thanks again for the attention and understanding.
We are living away from each other for almost 9 years now. He is away since then . He is just sending something for the kids. He calls every month for 10 minutes bec he says he is saving money. We drifted apart years ago but I guess we are both scared to admit that its over. Maybe Im fed up now. I was hurt and emotionally abused many times. wE are couples but we are distant. He has his own world and I have mine. I dont know ...I feel in capable as a woman . Im no good for him just like what he makes me feel. Sorry if im breaking your heart with my writings. They are the windows of my soul. I dont have the intention of asking for pity or attention. It just relieves me when i pour my feelings like this. Maybe I was really the one who is wrong all along. Maybe Im not too loving..not too patient to bear accept him. He said he cannot change I just have to accept him for what he is. He said he cannot reach for my dreams thats why he let me apply for a teaching job in Houston Texas so I could reach for my own dreams. This is my life. Sometimes I cry often but on the brighter side of it , I know God has plans. Anywya thanks so much for evrything. Dont worry Im coping and I know someday I will rainbows.

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

jim5131 56M
1296 posts
10/11/2005 6:25 pm

Your writings break my heart. The analogies of Misty in the decorated cage are exactly who you are. It might be pretty, but it's still a cage.

I know you're hurting. I would so love to just give you a hug, brush away a tear and tell you that everything will be okay, but I can't. This is something you must do on your own, but not by yourself. If you must gather support around you to give yourself courage, then do so. There are people here that will give you support, but we are a million miles away.

Take some time. Think about this. Is he changing since you left? Are you SURE he wants to stay seperated? How is he treating you and the children now? Is there anything you can still do? Will he change?
Will he listen to you at all now?

Make sure that you have done all that you can before making the decision to complete the seperation. You never want to go the rest of your life thinking that you didn't give it all you could...

This is not about failing as a person. There may be faults on both sides, but the relationship is the failure.

You will learn from this.
You will gather the pieces of your life.
You will examine the pieces and make a decision.
Then you will fix any problems and move on.

God Bless You and your children, `Pina. Take care. Write often. I will help as much as I can.

Become a member to create a blog