Innocence lost?  

rm_sexxikritter 53F
888 posts
7/18/2006 2:56 pm

Last Read:
9/25/2006 8:41 pm

Innocence lost?

I didn't think I was going to get so personal so early in this blog. I read a blog a bit ago and as I began responding to it, I felt I needed to make my comment on my blog. The words just kept coming. It's not something that expected to ever write in detail. Thank you to blkondemand and mzhunyhole for getting this started for me.
Please read this first.

GROWING UP

I was messed with at about 4 or 5. I supressed those memories until 7 years ago when I was sitting in a court room. I was there for my ex b/f's bond hearing and there were other cases on the docket. One was for a man who was accused of molesting a 10 year old. As I'm sitting there and listening to the lawyers argue why this man should or should not have bail, I started to get very blurry images of this teenager guy who used to babysit me and my siblings.
I couldn't see clear in my mind but the emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. Tears began streaming down my face and I had to leave the courtroom. As I was sitting on the bench outside with my head in my hands, not really thinking anything but knowing everything, the defense lawyer came out also and was just standing there. Without even realizing what I was doing or saying, I stood up and went to him and told him to please never trivialize molestation by saying it was ONLY touching and not penetration. That it didn't make a difference, that it still messed up the child.
He looked at me and said, "Noted." That's it, noted. The bastard!

I took a deep breath, went back into the courtroom and was able to do what I needed to get my b/f out.
We got to the parking lot after he was processed out of jail and he looked at me and asked what all the crying was about in the court. I told him what I had remembered and as I was saying the words, it all came back to me.
Tim having me lay in front of him, feeling some hardness against my back, his hands going up my dress and into my panties. Him telling me that this was good for me and that I would like doing this with him. Him taking my hand and bringing it back to his crotch and telling me to rub. Being scared but wondering what this really nice feeling was between my legs.
I remembered him breathing hard in my ear and telling me I was doing a good job. And then feeling him tense and then get really weird with me. He pushed me off the couch and told me that he would do that for me again and I could not tell my parents or anyone else because they would think it was wrong and then I would get my ass spanked with my dad's belt. I don't know if that was the only time it happened. It's my only memory and I never told anyone until I told my b/f that day.
I still haven't told anyone in my family. It would serve no purpose. But I do know that it made me build a shell and it took me until I was 21 to lose my virginity. I began masturbating at about 10 or 11, doing very perverse things to my genitals in search of some feeling I thought I had done before.
I know there were other factors in this and why, when I lost my virginity I went wild. I pretty much would fuck or suck any man who paid me any attention. It wasn't solely the molestation but it did contribute to it greatly.
I am just coming out of a self imposed 6 year celibacy. I found myself slipping back into those old habits when I started getting responses to my profile here.
Now, thanks to some of the bloggers and comments others have made, I see that how I used to do it is not how I want to do it now. I hadn't found my sexual voice at that time. It's something that really is only coming to me from being on this site and reading the blogs. Hearing others' experiences. Slowly I am realizing that I am a woman of worth and it is MY decision IF and WHEN and with WHOM I will have a sexual relationship. I don't need or want to have sex with someone just so he will like me, accept me or want to be my friend.

~Every act of rebelling expresses a nostalgia for innocence.~Albert Camus

*chair by John Singer Sargent*


rm_sexxikritter 53F
2715 posts
7/18/2006 11:25 pm

Thank you Marcy and Mz Huny. I value both of your comments.


BlackHeatLust 48M

7/19/2006 12:15 am

Sexxi...I am very sorry that you had to go through all of that but in the end I know that it will if not already has made you a much stronger person now than before.

Thanks for being truthful and opening up your inner soul to allow uds to see the real you deep inside behind the curtain and closed doors.

Remember you are not an open book but a novel full of many chapters awaiting to be written and as of yet discovered.


rm_blkondemand 37M
236 posts
7/19/2006 2:18 am

Thank you for writing this post. Yours brought back even more vivid recollections for me and I'm sure it will be therapeudic for others as well.
Special thanks again to MzHuny who tends to be the "voice of inspired truth" around Blogland.


rm_sexxikritter 53F
2715 posts
7/19/2006 7:16 am

BHL....I am growing stronger every day. Thank you for being here, G.

BLK....Thank you for coming and being the catalyst for inner review.


rm_anacortes 75M
2850 posts
7/19/2006 10:24 am

Hang with me a bit...

In the past, I think, there were folks all around we could talk with..folks one could trust..parents, relatives, siblings, neighbors, priests, doctors, merchants.. all could be friends and confidants..

Today, most society is pretty fragmented.. lucky those that have above.

My point is: you would have been told, "you are created for a purpose", your beauty lies within from your divine creation, you are a gift to others and you have been given many gifts( some you might not even know or understand).

Once you receive the message of your divine worth and BELIEVE IT.. your troubles will be smaller and you will find friends again to share everything with..

This I hope and believe..

Namaste


rm_sexxikritter 53F
2715 posts
7/19/2006 1:39 pm

I hope and believe also, F. Thank you for your words.


meerkittykat 43F

7/19/2006 6:50 pm

Wow....thanks for sharing.

Funny how this place moves us to so many emotions; silly ones, romantic ones, and deeply moving and emotional ones.

It's a place that can test the limits of your comfort, which, at least for me, has been a significant factor in helping me grow.


rm_sexxikritter 53F
2715 posts
7/19/2006 7:23 pm

I agree meer, I have run that gamut of emotion more in a month coming to these blogs then I think I ever. Thank you for visiting and commenting. I value your input.


rm_sexxikritter 53F
2715 posts
7/20/2006 2:49 pm

Thank you RUN for stopping in. That picture is scary.


rm_loneremily 34F
328 posts
7/20/2006 6:50 pm

I'm glad this person found her footing. These things are terrible--they continue to happen, and no matter how hard we may try to protect our children they will still happen. It's good when a person can heal and live again.


rm_sexxikritter 53F
2715 posts
7/20/2006 7:12 pm

Thank you, emily, for coming to my blog. All we can do is protect children and be aware. Educate ourselves and speak up when it happens.


rm_sexxikritter 53F
2715 posts
7/25/2006 7:14 pm

Thank you Kitten. For your words and for visiting my blog.


rm_PeanutJackie 37F
1286 posts
7/26/2006 5:18 am

Hey kritter, I have also been through abuse. I made a post to my blog back in May about my story. If you're interested in reading it, the link is My story of abuse.

Just remember, everything happens for a reason, and what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger. I truly believe those 2 things and I wouldn't be who I am today without everything that has happened to me. Abuse can be a very difficult thing to look back on, but you have taken the first step in getting past it by posting it here.

It's sad how many children are abused (in any way), adults too. What has this world come to?? It's a question I find myself asking quite often lately.

*hugs*

"I am beautiful no matter what you say, words can't bring me down. So don't you bring me down today."


rm_sexxikritter 53F
2715 posts
7/26/2006 8:26 am

Thank you Jackie. I've really found that sharing my story here has made it easier to tell others and support others too. Thanks for your words and your story. I'll be there to read it soon. ((Jackie))


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