Ending on a bad note  

rm_sapphire71 46F
107 posts
3/17/2005 6:06 pm

Last Read:
6/21/2006 5:49 pm

Ending on a bad note

Well...although today went ok....it's not ending well. I belong to Weight Watchers, as I have been struggling with my weight all my life. I ususally do not have that much of a problem getting weight off (keeping it off is the issue), but this time around I'm having a terrible time. After a hiatus during the holidays...I went back only to discover that I had gained.....well, more than the typical 10-15 people put on over the holidays.

I workout 4-5 days a week on the elliptical running machine....burning 300-400 calories a session, and for the past 2 weeks I can't even get a 1/2 off. I lost .2 last week, and gained it back this week. WTF is going on? I have stayed on track pretty well this week, so I can't figure it out.

There are so many choices for "my current mood" I could have picked for this post. You have no idea how upsetting and frusturating it is. I was sitting there in that meeting with tears in my eyes, listening to all the other ladies shout out their losses for the week. The leaders do their best to give support and encouragement...saying that it is mostly likely water weight, or perhaps I'm gaining muscle which weighs more than fat. All that goes in one ear and out the other...all that I can hear and see is the "GAIN". Which mind you...was only .2 lbs. It's .2 in the wrong direction, and makes me .2 further from my goal, and having .2 more lbs that I need to try and loose for next week. I have a lot to loose, so getting to a reasonable weight seems like a lifetime away.

I love sex. I love to feel sexy......and sometimes....if the lights are down low enough, I do! I'm just wondering if my hang-ups about my weight are costing me a fabulous sex life? How can I truly enjoy the experience, if I am constantly worried about him seeing me naked? I usually have to keep a piece of clothing on during sex....most of the time it is a skirt, and I wonder if men are bothered by it. I will never have a perfect body....no where near, and I need to find a way to comes to terms and be at peace with who I am. Easier said than done. I don't know how to feel like a proud "big, beautiful woman". Some days....I do feel good about myself. Some days I look in the mirror and think I look good. Today....I feel like a failure.

Sorry this post is so long......I needed to let a few things out.

1 post
3/17/2005 6:45 pm

Hi Sapphire71, From what I can see from your photo you are a GORGEOUS woman! I was in the same situation. I lost weight by my husband leaving me. I learned that not everyone will like my body, but somebody does (I've had a few gentleman callers from this site who say so). I am 40 yo, I have 2 kids, stretch marks galore. And the most handsome, well built man just left my house. I let him see me totally naked no covers no nothing, and he still stayed! (Imagine that!) Being sexy & beautiful is not about looks it's the way you feel about yourself! I think you need to work on your selfestem. I've been in counseling for over a year, and I am so much happier with myself now. Have faith in yourself! Best wishes! aladyssecret

rm_tkwswing 52M/51F
114 posts
3/17/2005 6:49 pm

I just read your blog and had to post a comment...

For what it's worth...every woman struggles with their physical appearance. I could be a size 8, with perfect measurements, and I still wouldn't be happy with what I look like, but I am very happy with who I have become.

In my late teens I was bulemic, trying to "fit" with the "in crowd". In my 20's, I got married, gained the "I'm very content" weight. In my 30's, started eating right, had two beautiful children, and realized that people love me for who I am, not for what I look like.

I am certain you know this already, but there are more men and women in the world that don't give a flip about looks. Looks can't carry on an intelligent conversation or express feelings...they aren't everything that makes you who you are.

Just be you...

splinkee 33F

3/17/2005 7:19 pm

HugZ... Sapphire, stick with it, you'll get there I'm sure. I used to have hang ups about my body too. Especially my boobs wich are kinda on the small side. My advice is to find a man who loves you for who you are. I was lucky to be with a man for several months who kinda taught me not to be soo self conscious and judgemental about myself and I learnt to just let go...

ReadyToTango46 59M
161 posts
3/17/2005 7:20 pm

The next time you feel like eating something, have someone give you a dirty sanchez.

Okay, I'm sorry, I know this is a serious post. And one that I can relate very well to. Not because I am over weight (although I have a bit of a beer got that I'm proud of), but because my "wife" (see my blog about that) has gradually gained weight since the day we got married. She's 5'-4" and probably weighs about 220 lbs now (sorry metric people). When we first met she weighed around 120 lbs and had no problems parading around in front of me nude. Ten pounds later she was not parading anymore. Twenty pounds later she was getting dressed in the bathroom. Thirty pounds later no lights were permitted during sex. Fifty pounds later the sex stopped completely.

Now here's the thing. She judged how I felt about her by the way she felt about herself, and that was wrong. When she looked in the mirror she saw fat. When I looked at her I saw bigger tits and and ass that I could realy grab hold of when we had sex doggy-style. But she could not understand this. No matter how much weight she gained I only saw my wife, while she saw a person that should be embarrased and ashamed of her physical appearance. Try as I might, I could not make her understand. I beleive that this was the key factor in the collapse of our marraige.

So now she's parading around the house (clothed) with a set of DDs+, and I'll never get a chance to see and hold them, dammit.

Please don't let yourself fall into this same trap. You are healthy and work out regularly. You are a very attractive woman. Stop projecting your own self-image on the image that other people have of you.

And for God's sake, guys find everything sexy. It reminds me of some joke I can recall a comedienne telling on TV. She was painting her kitchen when her boy friend called. During the conversation he suggestively asked her what she was wearing. She replied, "I'm wearing a tee-shirt and bib over-alls, a baseball cap, old Converse tennis shoes, and I have blue paint all over me." His reply? "OMG! That's sooo hot!"

rm_heyjay4two0 46M
56 posts
3/18/2005 8:33 am

I have a hug for you. I wish I could find the words to comfort you. I wish I could stop the tears.

I have been looking at my own insecurities. They seem to be the contributing factors for a number of failed relationships. These insecurities are deep and painful. Instead of trying to work on relationships, I've been trying to heal myself. It is me sabotaging my own happiness. If I can not love myself , how could someone else?

Thich Nhat Hanh is a buddist monk. He has written several books. This is an excerpt.

You should not practice like a machine, but with intelligence, so that each step, each breath, will make you feel better. Each mindful meal, each cup of tea, can make you feel better. Touch the wonders of life within you and around you. Nourish yourself by allowing the beautiful and healing elements around you penetrate you. This is the most important thing to do.

Ideas are not nourishing. In fact, ideas and notions very often become obstacles. They become a prison. We must leave these ideas and notions behind in order to touch life, so full of wonders. Learn from other practitioners who are capable of being happy, capable of loving. There are such people. They can accept everyone. They are content. We have to cultivate the capacity of being happy like them. Living in the same enviroment, we share the same conditions of happiness. Others are capable of being happy , why can't we. What kind of obstacle is preventing us from being happy?
"To be happy,to me, is to suffer less."Thich Nhat Hanh

This may be a cyber world but, your feelings are real and so are my concerns. Good luck and remember to smile, they're free.

Sorry about the size of this post.

rm_sapphire71 46F
53 posts
3/18/2005 9:17 am

Thanks everyone for the positive and encouranging words.

While I don't condone it...I can understand why married men seek other woman. Their wives don't feel attractive any longer, especially after having kids, and men just long to be close to their wives. Their hang-ups and insecurites push them away. Me....I'm still in pursuit of a husband, but am wondering if my insecurities would let me keep him, if I find him. It is a constant battle between the mind and the body. It is extremely damaging to a relationship on so many levels.

heyjay4two0...would you mind giving me the titles of those books?

Thanks again everyone.

mygmyg 60M

3/18/2005 3:35 pm

sapphire, great big hug.
stick with what your doing, your going to encounter the setbacks, accept them, and keep going, trying. Get the emotions out, but don't let them beat you down. Hold that beautiful head high and keep working at it. Be happy and know that you are putting in the effort, results will come for you.
Another great big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

rm_sapphire71 46F
53 posts
3/19/2005 7:50 am

You guys are all so nice, and so encouraging. I think I'm tearing up a little!

Thank You.

rm_heyjay4two0 46M
56 posts
3/19/2005 2:01 pm

You seemed to be in better spirits by your last posts. That makes me smile.

Thich Nhat Hanh has written over 25 books some of the titles include :

The Long Road Turns To Joy
Transformation And Healing
The Sun My Heart
The Heart of Understanding
Anger - Wisdom For Cooling The Flames

These are the books I have read. I was able to draw some type of parallel between things in my life to lessons in the books. Not everything would pertain to my exact situation but, it allows a different viewpoint. I hope they can be useful. *flashes a smile and sends it you way*

radlam 54M

3/21/2005 5:29 pm

If you want to burn the weight you need to build muscle with weight training in addition to the aerobic or cardio.

You need to start eating like 6 small meals a day to speed up your metabolic rate. Skinless chicken breasts and salads with no dressing.

Just keep at it. Don't look at the scale. Look in the mirror.

rm_sapphire71 46F
53 posts
3/22/2005 8:09 am

Salads with no dressing???? Forget that!!!

I workout 4-5 times a week on the elliptical machine with 6-7 levels of resistence, and between 5-8 level of incline. I sweat like a pig, so I know I'm burning calories.

I've never been a fan of the weight machines, but I do need to work on the arms because I'm in a wedding in a few months, and the dresses are of course....strapless. I wish I had a personal trainer. I really need the constant motivation to keep me going.

I'm wondering if I cut out my daily Grande Nonfat Mocha from Starbucks...if that would help????? DUH!! But, I don't think I can! I love my Starbucks.


3/22/2005 2:12 pm

Sapphire, switch your exercise routine. Include some weight lifting (small weights, many repititions per set). And of course, avoid those sweet snacks in between. You seem to be a very pretty woman, do not worry too much. Regarding your Starbuck's coffee, downgrade your Grande to a Tall

omahafella 62M

4/4/2005 9:21 pm

I just did a blog today where I talked about "the whole package" (not the topic header), meaning the entire woman. Sexuality is about so much more than 15 extra pounds.


4/17/2005 10:26 am

I have always had a weight problem. it has most likley cost me a great sex life. women look at me and can not see past the 300 lb. frame. but I just dont let it get to me anymore. I have been married three times, I have fathered a child, and have satisfide every women i have ever slept with. no one is perfect, its not how you look, its whats inside that counts.


9/29/2005 10:13 pm



9/29/2005 10:21 pm

hey i jus saw u blog gal and i jus have to tell u that t only path to true happiness is being happy. one more thing t BODY IS ONLY AN EXTERNAL COVERING FOR YOUR SOUL. so u get t point right??

3 posts
11/12/2005 5:39 pm

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hotguy12178 40M
62 posts
2/11/2006 3:29 am

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bonerforahole 36M

7/11/2007 11:37 am

My first gf was beyond where you are Sapphire. In the three months that I was with her, I learned how much fun it is to be with a girl who was three times my size. I was constantly amazed that skinny little me could make her go limp with exctasy simply because I knew where to put it. But it was more than that. I helped her see that as long as felt good about herself, it didn't matter what she looked like. Yes, it is healthier to be "average" size, but if you don't like yourself at the average size, then you're not healthy. I had a cousin who decided at the age of 14 that weighing 130 was too much. So she became bulemic and lost 40 pounds. But she lost it so quick that it sent her body into shock and she had to spend several weeks at the hospital. It wasn't what she weighed, it was how she thought she looked like at that stature.

All these people who have left commments before me have said it correctly. You need to get beyond what you physically look like and find the person that you are. When you become happy with who you are, the rest (should) fall into balance.

thoughtful, wild, passionate

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