Low Times  

AshenMagusDonor 72M
29 posts
5/12/2006 8:56 pm
Low Times


I am usually up most the time when I write...and never get to a really low point. But, I guess it is finally that time to hit a low. We all have them, but it is so very unusual for me to get them. And when I do reach that low point, I just don't know what to do sometimes. I don't know how to handle it, what to do, or even what to say. I have been in a low for more than a week now. There was something wrong with my on line romance, something very wrong. But I had no idea what it could be. But, I did know one thing. I was scared. Yes, even me. The guy that has done almost everything. The guy that has been almost everywhere, some places not even on the maps. The guy that has done things for my country, and now am ashamed of it.
Well, here goes, me trying to explain it, and still not really understanding it. I met this wonderful person almost seven months ago, and damn we hit it off too good. And then we became close, and then closer, and even closer. We never met, not that we don't want to, but we just can't. She somehow got the feeling that she was holding me back from real time play, even though I had told her time and time again what I was looking for. I guess she never believed that was what I really wanted, or for that matter needed. But I was honest with her, I always have been, and maybe sometimes too damn honest. But that's just the way I am. We finally were able to talk though are difficulties. Today. She was in the process of leaving me. I call it getting dumped on. Her reasons....she loved me too much...she didn't want to stop me from someday having a real relationship....and she normally only played with married men...like that really makes a difference. She was scared to death that I was going to meet her, even though I had no intention of doing so. I mean, I was there, in her town, not that far away. But things happened that weekend. And she is glad it did. It saved her from seeing me though her window, watching me approach her home, knowing that we wanted each other so badly. But she had forgot one small thing...I had promised her that I would never, ever meet with her. She would have broke that weekend...and she knew it. But, I would not have wanted that to happen. I knew if it did, I would loose her forever, and that is such a long time. We finally talked, and I thought things were good between us again. But, this afternoon she got mail from a guy in AdultFriendFinder, talked to him on line, and she decided to call him tomorrow. And she thought she might play with him. It hit me like a ton of bricks. So damn soon, within hours of us finally patching things up. God, what was she thinking, as all kinds of thoughts went through my mind. She had told me over and over again that she had stopped playing, even though I said she could. I only had a stipulation, no Doms or Masters, and that she does not take away my time with her. And now this. Why? She had said I was all she wanted. Did she think there is someone better out there. Maybe, but I really don't think so. No one could ever care for her as much as me. No one could love her as much as me. I know it, and she knows it too. What is going through her mind. Is she proving something to me. If so, what? I am going to be out of town for a few days, and it happened before. The last time I was gone, she played with a Dom. Why? I never had an answer from her. The only thing that I have, is the tears in my eyes, and the pain of a broken heart.

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