Core Dump  

rm_piewinch 35F
28 posts
5/8/2006 5:38 am
Core Dump

I have a new pair of Anna Sui shoes. Baby pink espadrilles with flecks of soft gold. Man-catching shoes!

I promised the woman who gave me the Anna Suis that I was going to put them to good use. "I'm going to get a boyfriend in these shoes and then I'll send you a photograph."

I like the Anna Sui woman because she used to be beautiful and has let herself go a bit. She tried getting liposuction, but it hasn't worked. Her hair is an unfortunate shade of brown. But she knows people and knows how to take care of people - a quality that is rare.

I'm stressed out because I've gained nearly twenty pounds over the past year, but I can still fit into a pair of size L shoes. Every woman should have an arsenal of shoes for when their clothes don't fit anymore - or at least a single good pair.

I'm not really sure what the deal with the weight gain is. I think it happens every couple of years. Two years ago I was this weight, and I managed to lose it in about four months. Then I stayed reasonably slim for about a year and a half.

Not blogging has something to do with it. Writing's always been a good way to clear out unruly thoughts and sort out what's in my head. It calms me. When I'm calm, I usually don't feel the urge to eat more than I need to - with me, snacking is a response to panic.

I'm not used to blogging any more, but I have to get back into it. Writing for me is like air - I don't always notice its effects when it's there, but I can't live without it. Besides, the past few months have been really interesting and it is useless if I don't document it.

More than ever I feel like I'm living two lives - which is what I've always wanted. I derive great satisfaction from this. I have a stable office job, but I also have excitement. The trouble is there isn't any time to be introspective.

The past week has been really good. Mainly me, my mother, and my roommate. No one to answer to or keep up with. Which is good, because I am in the mood to break social engagements. I actually broke an appointment just to write this entry.

I don't know how it happened, but I've become a person who has something to do nearly every waking hour of the day. If I have a vacant block of time, I get antsy.

But every then I melt down and it feels really good - like right now, in this internet cafe, where I've been for the past two hours. I've already gotten over the guilt of not showing up at my friend's party. It's just me and a bunch of text and I'm happy.
I think I need to get out of Tokyo more often. I haven't been anywhere but Tokyo and the United States for the past year (excepting a four-day vacation to HK in November) and it's starting to make me a bit crazy. A bit cabin-fevery.

But at least I have something to look forward to on that end, because I'm going to a big old trance party in Yamanashi Prefecture this weekend. My roommate and I are going to Okutama by train and then most likely hitchhiking. I'm really excited. Nothing's better than dancing around in slippers, on gravel, in the middle of a cold spring rain in the mountains with electronic music playing. This time I'm going to have to remember to bring a flashlight.

I really love my roommate, too. I've never met anyone who shares so many of my tastes. Shortly after we met, I found out that she liked metafiction - like John Barth and David Foster Wallace. Further down the road, I discovered that we even like the same kind of hip hop music - like Rakim, Madvillain, and the Digital Underground - and some British bands as well (Pulp). It's like discovering a tall, half-Nigerian Gap-model looking version of myself.

I wish I had met my roommate earlier so that we could have gone traveling together. Her plan is to stay in Japan for two months and then continue on to the rest of the world. It makes me wish I didn't have to stay here - she'd be the perfect traveling companion. She is like me - conservative on the surface, but the right amount of reckless.

I think I'd forgotten what it was like to have a cool female best friend. Someone who doesn't mind sleeping on the beach at night, going for days without bathing, or accepting moonshine from strangers. Someone with a big appetite, an unscrupulous streak and general lust for life.

When she leaves, I'm putting up an ad - I need to find more people like her. "Wanted: Cool Girl Friend" will be the title, and then I'll reprise the above.
I still feel guilty about the party I was supposed to attend tonight. The girl who was throwing it is pretty nice. I don't know her very well and it would have been a good chance to find out more about her. Also, another friend of mine was there and it would have been my last chance to see him before he leaves for the States in three days. He's coming back in October so maybe it isn't so bad - but it's not a very good last impression to make.

On the other hand, it felt really good to be alone for the first time in so long. Some people need to be around other people to recharge. I think I need to be alone to recharge.
I'd like to be:
a vibrator designer
a maker of videos to be used in karaoke booths
an investigator
a travel writer

But I have a feeling I'll end up just being a lawyer.

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