Three Stages in Initiating an Extra-Marital Affair  

rm_ohioguy4lady 63M
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2/13/2006 6:19 pm

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3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Three Stages in Initiating an Extra-Marital Affair


It seems to me that there are three stages that must be completed if an extra-marital affair is to succeed. Obviously, most do fail. Can there be any doubt that they do so because one or more of the following steps along the way have either been minimized in their importance or simply ignored altogether?
First of all, there is the initial moment of mutual recognition that the possibility of entering into such a relationship with the other person is possible or even probable. Unlike those who promiscuously jump from one bed to another, those of us who desire to maintain an ongoing relationship with an exclusive lover need a point of reference. For example, two people who meet as a result of finding each other on an Internet matchmaking service may have gotten to know each other via chatrooms and e-mail. However, the real moment of truth comes when they finally meet face to face. At that point, both should openly state to each other that they want to be together; that there is definitely an attraction to each other. Yet, if one is skiddish or no longer interested, honesty must prevail by stating the lack of interest while doing so in an non-offensive and kind adult manner. The point here is that two people who do feel drawn to each other should clearly communicate it to each other. Of course, every first meeting should include the element of seduction but there comes that moment when the desires of each must be verbalized. If he simply says, "I want to make love to you." and she replies, "I want you, too." the first step is completed and, before going on to the next one, it should be marked as the moment when each indicated the desire to pursue the relationship.
Secondly, the acceptance of the fact that an extra-marital affair is primarily about finding sexual fulfilment outside of marriage has to be recognized. Women who provide men with nothing more than friendship or even companionship are never considered to be engaged in an extra-marital affair. The purpose of an affair is to enjoy physical intimacy with someone other than one's mate. That being the case, the only way for two people to determine if the purpose for entering into an ongoing affair is what each wants is to go to bed together. Unlike any other coupled relationship, neither person can determine whether or not to commit to an affair until after experiencing sex with each other. For example, what is she wants a male who is nicely endowed only to find out that he is either very small or too huge to enjoy? Conversely, what if he finds himself turned off by her aggressiveness in bed because he prefers a more submissive lover? Of course, there are other possible scenarios that may result in one or the other person deciding not to commit. On the other hand, should the experience be a fulfilling one for both, the probability of an ongoing affair becomes a reality. Nevertheless, both people need to be allowed to wait until after their first shared sexual experience to make that determination.
A footnote regarding the two sexes should be mentioned here. Yes, too many guys are jerks in that they play on a woman's needs just to get into her panties for what turns out to be the typical one night stand. However, women can be just as guilty on this point with the difference being that men run away without ever being heard from again while women, being the wonderful verbal creatures that they are, send the guy a hate e-mail with twenty paragraphs of evil curses that are sure to make him terrified of ever going outside in the dark again. Call me a sexist but we both know that to be true of how men and women tend to avoid simply talking it over with the other person and admitting that the sexual encounter was not what they had hoped for.
Thirdly, there comes the moment of commitment. No one is getting married here. No one is signing a contract or a pre-nuptial agreement. However, there needs to be a moment when the two people who are entering into an ongoing affair make a verbal commitment to each other. After all, we live in a day when promiscuity comes with price tags. It is no contradiction in terms to refer to an ongoing affair as an exclusive relationship. Furthermore, having come to this point, it would be good advise for them to formalize it together. Doing this might take the form of holding hands and verbally committing to each other (followed by making love together), opening a bottle of champaigne (followed by making love together), or celebrating by going out for a nice dinner with each other in some secluded place (followed by making love together). The point is that it should be marked and formalized in some meaningful way instead of being assumed.
Stage 1 is recognizing the attraction to each other and stating it verbally to one another.
Stage 2 is experiencing physical intimacy with each other and being honest about it afterwards.
Stage 3 is formalizing the commitment to an exclusive relationship in some meaningful way.
Those who see the wisdom in following this simple little plan to initiate an affair will, doubtless, experince much more fulfillment for a longer period of time with the same lover.

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