ASK ME HOW I KNOW  

rm_mzhunyhole 66F
60250 posts
4/27/2006 12:23 am

Last Read:
5/21/2012 11:35 pm

ASK ME HOW I KNOW

Tonight we was watching this movie about this woman that was being physically abused by her husband.He would beat her up pretty durn bad and she would just keep taking him back.A friend was here,they said"Hell,she must like that stuff."My sis just didn't understand.

I'll tell ya all why...Cause "She loves him.".."Cause of the kids.".."Cause he said he'd never do it again,he swears."..She wants to believe it.Cause after he beats her up he always tells her the same damn things,begs forgiveness,says the"I love ya shit."..Then ya have the great make up sex.Then comes the good part..ya get to do it all over again.Ask me how I know...

I have been a battered wife not once,but twice.I think I got something invisible on my forehead that bad men like that can see and come right for me.I'm attracted to bad men.

My first husband beat the shit out of me just about everyday we was married.I think we was just too young and had too many kids too fast.We had 3 kids in 4 years before I was 20.But,I just thought thats the way things was..ya obeyed your man.

Anything could set him off.If a glass wasn't clean,he would break all the dishes,then whoop my ass while I was cleaning it up.Once he couldn't find a certain shirt he liked,he threw all the clothes out in the yard,poured Tide all over them,then took the water hose to them.Well,we didn't have no washer,I had to haul everything to the laudermat..no car?...that was my problem,better be done.

One of my worst days..he tied me to the back of his car and dragged me up the gravel road in front of our house..was gonna teach me a lesson..Not one neighbor helped me.I still got tiny scars all over my legs from all the gravels they had to get out of my legs at the ER room.

But whenever we fought,I was just a young,dumb,in love,country girl.I thought..thats my man.Stand by your man,no matter what,this shall pass.I love him,we got kids.We'd kiss and make up.He'd promise me.All was well..till next time.

The day came when I knew I had to go.We was fighting in the bedroom.He had a death grip on my throat and reached in the nightstand and pulled out the handgun he kept in there.He fired one round in the floor then put the gun between my eyes and said.."Ya will obey or ya got 15 minutes to get your shit and get out."I said I'd pack.

Well,he was shocked.Reckon he never thought I'd go.I did and never looked back.I knew someday that man would have killed me for sure.Then my kids daddy would have been in prison and their mama would have been in the ground.

People..remember this..ya don't ever have to quit loving them..ya can keep on loving them while they're moving out to live somewhere else..believe me!

Do ya all think..physical abuse or mental abuse is worse?
Would ya just as soon someone hit ya as bitch and hollar at ya all the time?


When someone comes along,gonna give ya some love and affection,I say..Get it while ya can.


Nightguy_1961 56M
4866 posts
4/27/2006 12:45 am

Time to tell some tales out of school, as we say here...

My first wife and I fought like cats and dogs. She cheated on me, I cheated on her to get even. She got her friends to back her, I did likewise.

It came to a head one night outside a midnight movie theater: I confronted her, along with the guy she was screwing around with. The words flew hot and heavy, with my temper getting shorter and hotter. Ever hear the term, 'seeing red'? Well, it's true...there was a red tint in my vision, as I felt my fist ball up to throw a punch. She knew it, and taunted me to hit her. Suddenly, the moment passed and I lowered my hand and unclenched my fist. From that moment on, I knew I could never strike a woman in anger...no matter what. Years later, my ex would tell people that she knew I could never be an abuser, because if I didn't hit her after all the sh*t she put me through, I'd never hit anyone.

That being said, I think both forms of abuse are wrong and should not be tolerated. Too many times, these abusers hide in the ranks of BDSM Lifestyler's & give all of us who take it seriously a bad name and a black eye. A lot of Dominants & submissives work in the area of stopping domestic abuse. So I cannot tolerate a so called 'man' who has to feel big by hitting a woman or insulting her in anger. My attitude: Hey buddy...you want to be a rodeo star? Come over here and try jumping on this horse...but remember, jumping on is a hell of a lot easier than jumping off!!!

NG61....shutting the hell up after running his mouth...


danteszippo 53M
4070 posts
4/27/2006 2:24 am

any man that is abusive is a LOSER. there are too many nice guys out there to put up with that, and no matter how anyone can justify it, being alone is better than being with someone that abuses you. that is not an arguable point, life is short. make the best of it.


freetime648 53F

4/27/2006 2:39 am

I would always say.."I'd rather be hit in the face than have someone mess with my head".....MZ, you and I are too much alike at times...it is scary!!!


xx FREETIME648 xx


redrobin012057 61F

4/27/2006 2:42 am

People..remember this..ya don't ever have to quit loving them..ya can keep on loving them while they're moving out to live somewhere else..believe me!

Do ya all think..physical abuse or mental abuse is worse?
Would ya just as soon someone hit ya as bitch and hollar at ya all the time?

Mzhunyhole,I applaud you for not staying in your marriage, no woman, no matter how young, does not deserve to be treated as a man's slave... no matter how much she loves him....or how naive one can be.I got out of my married after much verbal and emotional abuse, when my children were born....it never changed, he never changed.Although he never hit me, he did it too the children,I would hear ...f**k you and those damned kids,in the middle of the night, I would take them to the hospital,suffering from asthma,bronchial tract infections etc,it was stressing my kids out as well as myself.

I think their both just as bad, physical scars can heal, emotional scars are for life, no matter how much counselling we get, we are there to help change the viscious cycle, we must teach our boys never to hit a woman, just because he saw daddy doing it to mummy....we must teach our kids about self respect,we must learn from our past mistakes.
Robin!!!


clitalicious67 50F

4/27/2006 3:03 am

Ms Huny...first off it isn't you that has a problem picking bad men...abusive men are very selective in who they pick...they look for those sweet girls/women that won't fight back and prey on them...domestic violence is everywhere but because it is an ugly topic people turn the heads...so they can't see.

I was abused in my first marriage. I was young and wanted to heal the world...I had never been exposed to anything like it...so when it happened to me...I hid it from the world...the cruelty was unspeakable...although the physical abuse was horrific...I never had broken bones because then he would have been found out and he always made sure to hit me where the bruises wouldn't show...the mental abuse and emotional abuse are probably the hardest to shake because they remain unseen and most of the time untreated.

Walking away was the hardest thing I have done in my life because I was so afraid of him...they are bullies and once you understand they hit a woman because they are never gonna confront a man...the road to recovery is at hand...When I was able to finally say "I am not afraid of you..." I was free.

I cried when I read about the gravel you sweet, dear woman...NO ONE ever deserves that...

I have always thought that an abuser needs to be locked in a room with someone twice his size and let him do all the thing to him that he did to women he beat up....

Giving you a tight hug,

C~


closer2u1971 47M

4/27/2006 3:04 am

I can nurse a wound to the healing stage but I have never been good at nursing a mental wound. Seems that after time I forget about a got that scar on my arm, leg, etc., but the mental one keeps screaming at me everyday.

Although I have a small area on the top of my nose because of an ex I have never been physically abused but god the mental keeps me sometimes still a prisoner in my own house.

I think the mental scars can cause more ill behavior and thoughts than physical ones ever could.

"Sticks and stones my break my bones but words will never hurt me". Ughh...I only wish it were true.


danceswithtrees 58M
2379 posts
4/27/2006 3:46 am

well i don't know which would be worse tho i believe both are wrong.

my wife's first husband was into the mental abuse and i still hear the anger in her voice if she talks about it.

i am a survivor of child abuse..i say survivor but there is still a part of me that will always be a victim..i had a vasectomy in my 20's cause i was afraid that i would be a child abuser myself..and 20 years later i still believe that was the right choice..

i applaud you for sharing your story..it's a nasty world at times..but if the good people of the world raise their voices and share their stories,maybe it will make a little difference..and i think you is one of the good people..glad you're still above ground.


toothysmile 52M
16517 posts
4/27/2006 3:49 am

both types of abuse are pretty bad, it 's hard to say which is worse.
great post, once more Huny.


rm_MrRite23 46M
156 posts
4/27/2006 3:55 am

Physical abuse is so shocking in the moment and so agressive. I hate the whole idea and fact that it happens. The scars heal. Mental abuse is much more evil planned assault. I remember every hatefull word ever spoken to me, but cant remember all the slaps. I stoped a guy at a mall once that was hitting his girlfriend. She was so thankfull that i stepped in. I am proud myself. More people need to speak up. And if a guy says sorry and he will change..its bullshit,,just leave ASAP.


rm_KirkVW44m 56M
688 posts
4/27/2006 3:57 am

I was brought up with simple manners and taught that it's improper to touch a lady without her consent and sure as hell hitting was out of the question. I just couldnt hit a woman its not in me.. I mean i've been completely pissed off with a woman but i generally just leave the house or go pout and dont say shit *silent treatment* which really can piss a woman off *sweet revenge for stepping on my toes lol*. NO Mzhunyhole i would love ot beat you but it wouldn't be in anger and it would be with somethign below the waste *wink. And for what its worth Physical and Mental can be two in the same and both wrong as much.

Kirk


free2chose2 67F

4/27/2006 4:57 am

MzHuny, both are horrible, I had a broken eardrum-which thankfully healed(now, have selective hearing)but nobody saw the emotional stab wounds in my chest

Don't worry, be Happy


sexyariesgirl 59F

4/27/2006 5:01 am

I've never suffered physical abuse, but did suffer emotional and menatl abuse for many of the 27 years I was married. A lot of it I didn't even realize until I was out of the marriage. His abuse was so subtle....I say now that he controlled me with a velvet glove. No one else knew or believed it....he was such a GOOD MAN. And in many ways..he WAS a good man. He too was fighting his own demons. I'm not making excuses for him...just trying to understand. Two years later a simple word or phrase can put me right back where I was. Emotional and mental scars sometimes never heal. Physical abuse and mental and emotional abuse are all equally damaging. Any woman who is able to remove herself from an abusive relationship of ANY nature has my admiration and respect. MzHuny you are a wonderfully brave and strong woman....I admire you!

Power To FOK


LustGoddess2469 51F  
2453 posts
4/27/2006 5:17 am

My "first love", first long-term relationship, and first ex-fiance physically and emotionally abused me. I went through six years of what you've described here. The physical wounds healed, but the emotional ones still haunt me.

Thank you for posting this, MzHuny. You've inspired me, once again.

Lusty (HUGS)


slutintraining01 48F

4/27/2006 5:43 am

mental abuse is worse, the bruises heal quickly but the mental abuse takes years to heal. I've been in that kind of relationship and am so glad I got out.


JaggyRelitTabby 51M
105 posts
4/27/2006 5:48 am

    Quoting Nightguy_1961:
    Time to tell some tales out of school, as we say here...

    My first wife and I fought like cats and dogs. She cheated on me, I cheated on her to get even. She got her friends to back her, I did likewise.

    It came to a head one night outside a midnight movie theater: I confronted her, along with the guy she was screwing around with. The words flew hot and heavy, with my temper getting shorter and hotter. Ever hear the term, 'seeing red'? Well, it's true...there was a red tint in my vision, as I felt my fist ball up to throw a punch. She knew it, and taunted me to hit her. Suddenly, the moment passed and I lowered my hand and unclenched my fist. From that moment on, I knew I could never strike a woman in anger...no matter what. Years later, my ex would tell people that she knew I could never be an abuser, because if I didn't hit her after all the sh*t she put me through, I'd never hit anyone.

    That being said, I think both forms of abuse are wrong and should not be tolerated. Too many times, these abusers hide in the ranks of BDSM Lifestyler's & give all of us who take it seriously a bad name and a black eye. A lot of Dominants & submissives work in the area of stopping domestic abuse. So I cannot tolerate a so called 'man' who has to feel big by hitting a woman or insulting her in anger. My attitude: Hey buddy...you want to be a rodeo star? Come over here and try jumping on this horse...but remember, jumping on is a hell of a lot easier than jumping off!!!

    NG61....shutting the hell up after running his mouth...
well said I rattter be a lover then a fighter any day I never been a a fist fight with either sex hope never to I might be the soda pop that someone shook up to much I have taken so much in I just feel one day I will pop.
Truth muz been looking for a better pay job I still am that where I have been I hope to find one soon hugs and kiss beautiful have a great day


firestarter665 44M/40F

4/27/2006 5:50 am

I have been in a relationship where I was mentally abused. It has been 12 years since that relationship and I am still in the healing process. It is hard to get out of your mind the shit that was installed there.

I think in any case of abuse it causes the same feeling, being scared. Scared of another person hitting you, scared to accept yourself and just being scared of other people in general.

Thank you for sharing your story.


TTigerAtty 63M

4/27/2006 6:01 am

A very poignant story, MzHuny! I am so sorry that you ever had to experience something like that. MOfunNOWWOW has a young friend in Joplin, MO who was just put into the hospital earlier this week when her "boyfriend" beat the hell out of her. Apparently this is now the second time he has done this. Physical abuse is just inexcusable. Mental and emotional abuse is just as bad, but it often goes undetected until it is too late. I don't know why some men are gentlemen with women and others are so abusive. I guess there are many factors to include: upbringing and what they saw their own parents do, financial pressures, immaturity, etc. But nothing excuses ever striking a woman. They are our mothers, our wives, our sweethearts and our daughters. They are everything we should love and cherish. I'm so sorry, hon. But I think you know better now and would never tolerate that kind of ill-treatment again!


MOfunNOWWOW 56F

4/27/2006 6:06 am

This just hits too close to home this morning MZhuny. You got me crying here in Missouri. Too many emotions and I don't know if it for you, for my godbaby, bad memories of a different kind, or maybe for too many that are going through it. I know I took too much abuse of so many different kinds for so long that I won't take a second of any kind. The world can be a rough enough place without the one you are giving your heart and soul to trying to beat the spirit out of you mentally or physically. Bless your sweet heart and a hug and a kiss for each scar. I say abuse of any kind...NO MO {=}


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


Djeeper1987 48M

4/27/2006 6:06 am

I too was brought up in an alcoholic household. My parents would always be drunk by the end of the night passed out in front of the tv.
At that time, I figured that was the way things were. My Mom would somethings get upset with the half naked females posters I had on the walls and she would have a major fit. She would tear them down and yell at me, then it would get worst. She would kick me in the balls and hit me. My Dad would just ignore it.
To this day I feel bad, cause later on as I got older I got tired of the abuse and return the fist at her.
Since then I feel guilty for even hitting her. In a society where the man is usually the aggressor I was viewed as the bad guy.
Once my sister called the police to report my parents, but the police asummed it was me. They surrounded me and told me if I did anything wrong again I would be sent to jail. Yet it was my Mom doing the beating.
I guess thats why I am afraid to have a relationship, or fear of the unknown.
I guess thats why I am doomed to live alone for the rest of my life.
Maybe?

Carpe Diem


tazzerman2000 60M
18958 posts
4/27/2006 6:10 am

Mzhuny, you have been through so much for so long sweetheart, you of all people, truly deserve to find a nice, loving partner/friend/lover who will take care of you and love you.

Regaring your question, both are bad but one thing I do know for sure is this, it's MUCH harder to get over the emotional scars then the physical ones. No doubt about that. Cuts and bruises will heal, a broken heart or a trampled soul will sometimes never be put back right, no matter how hard you try.

These blogs are only fun if you LEAVE comments!!!

Please visit my blog tazzerman2000


Spirited_lover 63F

4/27/2006 6:14 am

MzHuny....no doubt mental abuse is horrible but I believe that a person that physically abuses also mentally abuses. The abuser totally tears down all of your self esteem. My first marriage was extremely physically abusive. I was not raised around it and back then...no one talked about it. The police ignored it. Your neighbors ignored it. I just knew it had to be me that caused it. It took me 3 and half years to realize if I didn't get out, he was going to kill me. Thank God I did.
I am a firm believer if anyone makes you that mad....walk away.


ArgosPlumyKooky 46F
3902 posts
4/27/2006 6:24 am

huny thats a very good question. i suppose maybe depends on severity of either. . i dunno . . bad both ways. . .glad you are a SURVIVOR. . .


angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
4/27/2006 6:30 am

ANY abuse is bad. But people can see physical harm....the mental abuse is so often overlooked and misunderstood. And we are so much the person our mind tells us we are! Mzhuny...you are awesome!


readytolay_3
(What the fuck is this shit..?? *rolls eyes*)
106F

4/27/2006 6:44 am

NEITHER botht are abuse and There's no way in hell I'd EVER put up with any of that kind of shit....Thats NOT LOVE thats EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT..BIG FUCKING different's...SO GLAD you got the fuck out of there...Ready

Ready


LustyTaurus 50M
21253 posts
4/27/2006 6:59 am

There is no difference MzHuny...in fact, the physical stuff is easier to get over I've been told...the little voices in our heads keep on going for years though.

Thanks for sharing...you will no doubt help a lot of people with this post, for sure.

lustytaurus


MsLoveRose 34F  
2432 posts
4/27/2006 7:08 am

all abuse is bad, no one is greater than the other...because they are all not good for the soul...

or...is it the abuse and the mistreating that makes the "i have been through the valley's lows and mountains highs...kindof warrior??

that is ...if a person is pretty strong to be released from the threshold of the abuse.

as a growing child i was the target of verbal, mental, emotional abuse. i wouldnt say physical...totally but there were times when i got beat just because i was alive. but not too often. even through all the love the abuse was strong and it shook me enough to know things wasnt right. what did i do...i fled i left home and i was branded the rebel...when i was anything but. i did good in school, i worked a million jobs, lived on my own...i even went 5000 miles away from home for college....

i have come to terms with my past...i quit asking why, i quit pointing fingers, i have accepted that because of the trials and hardships i went through i am a much stronger woman. my will and determination to make the most of my life is ever growning. my optimistic and prosperous nature is what keeps me from falling into the depths and just hiding....

the choice is mine whether i want to be in that place where i am all that they have said...or all that they have done or to rise up and become my own woman, taking every experience as a life lesson and keeping my soul free and clear!!!

mzhuny i always love coming here for clarity...even if its stuff i already knew...it sets in a little more when you hear another angel reveal the source of strength and turning points!! you are simply amazing!! thank you for sharing and thanks for letting me speak my mind on your pages!!

live more, laugh often, love much


beewulf9 39M

4/27/2006 7:34 am

Dear Mz Huny.

I find the honesty in this post so strong, and clear that I am moved. Thank you for being so open with your past. I appreciate your words.

Steven


TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
4/27/2006 7:36 am

I read your post with such sadness. I read all of the comments as well. Both physical and mental abuse leave scars. My father emotionally abused my mother for years. She was too weak to leave. My father never hit her, and he's been dead for over 20 years, but my mother is still mentally ill over it.
In my marriage my husband never hit me, but the emotional abuse went on for years. Like the others said above, it leaves scars that last a long time. When my husband and I went to counseling to discuss our problems, my husband said "my father always told me that no woman is worth hitting". I said to myself, WTF does THAT mean? That is a statement that shows a complete disrespect for women. For many men it is all about power and control. I don't hate my future ex, but I realize he never made me feel good about me and his words have hurt me for many years. I'm never going to take that again. Thank you for sharing your story. You are a survivor my friend. I have so much respect for you. Your posts inspire me every day in different ways.


Linds1957 60F

4/27/2006 7:39 am

huny.. i'm so sorry that happenned to you!!! I've had both ways.. And sometime i wished that he would have hurt me bad enough so i could leave. Emotional and verbal abuse is very hard to prove to anyone. What do you do when he looks and acts respectable in public.. but yells and screams at you at home....


EroticaXTC 51F

4/27/2006 7:47 am

They're both pretty damn bad...I lived with the mental abuse until the day came that he finally made it physical...the only reason he hadn't before was I used my own wits to avoid it. I left then and there. Sooner or later, you get tired of it all...
When its physical abuse, you could end up dead. Nobody ever deserves that.


SpaceRangerNJ 56M
4687 posts
4/27/2006 7:47 am

Both physical and emotional abuse are bad. In relationships and in school. Boys tend to be physical and women tend to be verbal and under the radar. The physical can cause emotional. The emotional can cause physical (seen the recent commercials?)
Look what physical and emotional abuse lead to - all the school shootings.

I've never hurt anyone. Punched a wall once. Pushed my kid in anger once. Had problems with rage. I would never have become an abuser but it was scary. All fixed now. Absolutely no doubt in my mind. Where did it come from you may ask? Emotional abuse all through school. Some physical abuse. My peers. And parents that didn't really know how to deal with it to give me the self confidence I needed. It started in first grade and didn't let up until Jr or Sr year. The effects of it lasted decades. And cost tens of thousands of dollars and time to go away.

I'm sorry you had to go through what you did. I'm glad you know you didn't deserve it and it is not normal. What strength of character you have to make it through all that. The whole thing makes me very sad.
Breath easy now.
SR


FriendlyFuk66 51M

4/27/2006 7:54 am

I will say that I got called a cold hearted SOB by a coworker because of physical abuse or domestic violence as used by law enforcement. I was training a new dispatcher when the call came in that some guy was hitting his girlfriend. I made a comment about how long after he was arrested and in jail that she would call to get him out. I talked to plenty of females that suffered abuse but they wouldn't leave the guy. So your comment about loving them while leaving them is true.
I personally have suffered emotional abuse before I finally had enough. I allowed my ex to berate me all the while she kept adding more stress to my life. Now she thinks that she was taken advantage of but after the soon to be hearing for custody of my daughter, I am hoping she see the signs of being an abuser. I am pretty sure she will still consider herself the victim but I do know that her first marriage was with her suffering the emotional abuse.


RoyalPurpleRose 53F

4/27/2006 8:12 am

MzHuny ... I applaud you for realizing that you needed to get out and did just that. The wounds from physical abuse will heal over a short time. But the deep cuts of mental abuse last for years. Some people never get past the feeling that they are unworthy. That is what mental abuse does to you. It makes you feel 'less than' .. that you are unworthy ... that you are a horrible person. When none of that is really true.

Mental abuse can come from many people too. While you are in the physically abusive relationship, the people that see and do not help just reinforce your view that you are unworthy and deserve the punishment. It's wrong .. yes. And many people do not realize that is what they are doing. But most just don't want to get involved. That is an even greater travesty than the physical abuse.

No human .. woman or man ... child or adult ... deserves abuse - physical or mental. But abuse is in so many forms .. both physically and mentally .. that I do not feel it will ever be erased. I guess maybe it also depends on your perception.

Let me explain ... my girls are in school. One is a Junior and the other is a Freshman. Because the school lost it's accreditation with the state because of low test scores ... our principle had 'developed' a program to get the Sophomore and Freshman classes to bring their grades up. So what used to be a passing grade at 74 is now an F. He has also taken away many priveledges (the school has an open campus, meaning kids can leave for lunch). This is called LOP. The kids with grade trouble must go to one room when the lunch bell rings, and then go into the cafeteria later than everyone else. So these kids come in late ... the Juniors and Seniors and those with passing grades are already there ... and here come the kids in LOP. So the kids in LOP get harrassed because of their failing grades. How is this suppose to help them?? Also each of these LOP kids are suppose to attend tutorials. That would be fine and should help them ... HOWEVER ... it's difficult for every kid to get the help they need when there are 20-25 students in the SAME TUTORIAL. And then teachers only help those students that they 'like' and are popular students.

Do you think that is mental abuse too? I do. My daughter's self esteem is in the dirt. She calls herself stupid. I have always tried to build the girls' self esteem because of the things I was told growing up. But the school ... who is suppose to educate ... had torn down everything that I have accomplished in her 14 years. And all this is on top of everything that is going on with my oldest daughter.

MzHuny ... you are a beautiful person. Thank you.

~Kisses, Royal Purple Rose

This got me thinking, and I will post about this topic on my blog too.


ohsodelicious 58F
1922 posts
4/27/2006 8:27 am

Mz...abuse of any kind is a real 'sore' spot with me...I to have been there...

Hugs...OhSo{=}


misterme1960 57M

4/27/2006 8:36 am

This entire subject matter is a very hard concept for me to comment on!...I realize there are human beings out there that are like this, and they are a waste of good air...My entire body is shaking right now from your writing...I'm sorry!...But this just really upsets me, I hope that all is well now!...


frbnkslady 49F
6183 posts
4/27/2006 8:38 am

I think more then a few of us have our scars. I know I do. I am glad you survived.
My sons father used to beat on me. we were still in high school. My time to leave came when he pulled a knife on me while I was holding my baby. Took me 3 hrs to leave state and move across country. I never went back. He would call and want to talk. He told my mom it was okay to hit because his dad beat his mom. WHOOPDIFOOKINGDOO.
I have had to 2 bi-lateral surgeries on my jaws and they still aren't right, but I can talk..(and swallow ).
My son remembers, so he is very protective of women...
And to those who say 'just leave'.. it is a lot harder then you think it is.. and please.. do not condemn, mock or ridicule those who are abused. Walk a mile in their shoes. T

T




demonicsexkitten 43F
10689 posts
4/27/2006 8:52 am

Emotional and mental abuse is worse... but physical abuse is still mental and emotional, even if the man never verbally insults you or puts you down.

My former roommate used to work in domestic violence. I heard horror stories. Women who's men beat them near to death, every bone in their bodies broken, in the hospital for a month. Yet the moment they're out... they go back. Or the women that stay until they just can't take it any longer and kill the man. She was the first on the scene on at least one occassion. She put men in prison. She ran a women's shelter. She taught me a little bit of emergency self defense (the "This, this, this, or that will kill a man. This will just severly incapacitate him" gave me the creeps lol)

I have a hard time understanding how women tolerate and allow such situations. I realize it happens all the time. And as you said... "the children" "he said he'd change. he really loves me" "i love him"... then there's also the "I'm worthless, nobody else will have me" (i heard that is a common theme from my roommate). I'd like to think i'd never allow it myself. Though ... if it did happen... my roommate, my mom, my uncles... would all take the guy out. And force me to leave if I wouldn't on my own. Thankfully it's something I've never had to deal with.

Child abuse though... I was abused as a child. But that's a whole nother story.


Dowd3 44M

4/27/2006 8:53 am

If mental abuse is worse, then we have a huge group to help us almost anywhere we go. Virtually everyone I know has mental and emotional scars of some kind or another. I see I'm in good company here even though I'm new.

I've been fortunate in that my folks broke up before they became abusive, one of divorce's rare success stories. But from ahead, behind, and to either side I have been surrounded by abuse from a very early age. The most extreme example I can think of was a couple who abused each other mercilessly. Upon meeting them for the first time they cheerfully displayed battle scars as if everyone should have them (here's where she shot me, here's where he hit me, here's where she stabbed me, here's where he stabbed me, here's where she dented my skull with an iron skillet, here's where he hit me with a tie-down chain... christ it was ugly!) Another example I can think of was at the other extreme with mental abuse. They couldn't stand in the same room for twenty minutes without cutting loose with screams and accusations. One of the twisted products of our age is that these two stubborn jackasses could be considered "healthy" because they confront their differences head-on and in the open. What hogwash!

I question, often, if I am abusive. Not physically (I don't believe in hitting women or kids) but the mental and emotional issue is worth examining. Arguments are a part of life because we all disagree. Shouting matches in my home are rare, but arguments, disagreements and little fits that don't bloom into the full-throttle shrill fest are fairly common. I don't think I'm abusive since I lose just as often (all right more often) than I win. If there is one thing about the abusive male I have observed over the years it is their intolerance of being wrong. They can't accept fault, won't apologize unless they can get what they want by doing so, and are endlessly focused inward. That doesn't seem to be me, but I'm predisposed the look favorably upon myself so I must recuse my opinion.

Everyone looks at the effects of abuse while the problem stares us right in the face. The abusers manage to hide themselves behind their victims and neighbors every day. They have always done so, and they have become part of the problem. In part this is because of the hubris of the ABUSED! I have witnessed abuse of the most graphic nature, stepped in, and then been told to but out in language and actions I will not describe here. What does the battered wife think? Why won't he beat you again tomorrow when he has done it for years on end? How will an abused woman tell herself that this is what she deserves?

It is easy to say that we must act against those who vent their insecurities against those around them by beating their wives and degrading their families. But who will step in? MZ, if I had been one of your neighbors and tried to get you out of... say your first marriage, at any time during those years, would you have accepted the helping hand? My own personal experience tells me there was a ONE IN FIFTEEN chance you would have. That is a painful truth I've lived with for many years. That's why the police are so ineffective against domestic abuse: the will of the victims to be abused. Cops know that it won't end in a single trip to the unhappy home of an abuser. It may take years or death to bring it to an end.

You deserve better. You have always deserved better. Anyone under the fires of cruelty deserves compassion and love. Anyone dishing out the abuse deserves a reply IN KIND, then a focused cure for what started their cruelty (whatever that may be.) Breaking the chain must not begin and end with a single link. Abuse is like chain-mail, an interconnected web of security to hid behind when the blows to undo it arrive. The links are made of not only the abusers, but their victims who stay a moment longer after the first blow (I tried to think of an easier way to say it and couldn't), and the friends family, and communities that stand aside and watch. If it is to end, everyone must be broken and remade, not just the ones throwing the punches.

As to what is worse: mental or physical abuse? Physical abuse comes first to mind since it is easy to identify and most often tolerated. "Tell the nurse you slipped and fell... Tell them you ran into a door... I accidentally burned myself..." I have heard all these and more and they all sound like blatant lies. Yet evey one has been swallowed hook, line, and sinker more than once in any police district, and there isn't an emergency room that hasn't turned a bind eye to them on occasion. So many of us are now part of the problem by our acceptance in this way. Mental abuse may leave scars that take longer to heal, but physical abuse, when it is accepted, cuts a very wide swath. Mental abuse leaves an intensely private problem, of that I will not deny, but our knowledge of the mind is insufficient to treat it. That more than the original injury is more to blame for the longevity of the scars we carry in our minds. If we could turn our lives around with the proper treatment I doubt that many would hesitate to take the cure. And for those who do carry them you have my hopes and prayers.

There isn't a doubt in my mind that we have all suffered enough.

I wish I could have stopped it for you, MZ. Take care.


SirLuno 57M

4/27/2006 9:31 am

hello Mzhuny

I was an abused child and you post moved me a lot. Usually, men who abuse their wifes or children are guys with many complexes who need help. But there is another catefory, the sexual obsessive (not in the sense that me and you are sexual obsessives, lol). The sexual obsessive becomes bored with the usual sexuality and craves more excitement by pushing it to the extremes. For example, all male sex contains an element of sadism, we guys impose our will to the woman,, take her, conquer her, "fuck" her. The sexual obsessive increases his own satisfaction by amplifying the sadist element. If the woman is tied and gagged the stimulus is greater. Pulling her hair adds to the pleasure and the next step might be beating her...

We are talking about frustration. Frustration means that our development is blocked. The frustrated guy beats his woman and experience a sense of relief, it's very sad, it's a grave mental illness.

I think that we cannot put apart physical, emotional and mental abuse, they usually go on together. Dear lady, thank you very much for sharing.


rm_1sexyroo 57M/57F
333 posts
4/27/2006 9:33 am

After reading your post MzHuny,I was suddenly reminded of an old childhood chant, one I am sure a lot of used on more than one occasion..."Sticks & stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me". Funny, when you think of it now, it is so not true.
Broken bones heal, bruises fade and over time scars will heal to be but little reminders of what caused them.
On the other hand, name calls, constant insults and threats are held in our memories for the rest of time. They are like the seed of a bad weed planted in the deepest part of ones mind, and every once in a while a tendril shoots out and before you know it, it is like a vine...never ending or loosening its grip. I know...I spent 20 years with a man who emotionally and verbally abused me on a daily basis. And yes, I was one more of those women who stayed because it was "better for the kids to be with a good provider than to be with a single Mom living on welfare". Until the night, he grabbed me by the throat and squeezed...that was that, I left soon after.
Almost 7 years later, and 6 of those years in a new relationship have lessened my emotional scarring so that it's no longer a daily occurrence. But every once in awhile, I need to "weed" my emotional garden.
Hats off to you MzHuny - for another thought provoking post. Maybe if one person, male or female ...can read this and alter their life or help to better the life of another, there will be a few less tears shed today.
Hugzzzzzzzzz


POPPA_T_ 50M

4/27/2006 9:55 am

abuse of any type is not good for anyone.ive never hit any woman and dont plan on it.ive been put through mental abuse by bunch of women mind games and cheating,lying.id like see abuse of any type stop.but thats like saying gas will be $1.00 gallon one day again.huny please dont get involved with anyone else like him.becarefulllllllllll your too good for shit like that.if you ever need friend just talk if anyone just wants chat make new friends.


JoLeeS 42F

4/27/2006 10:17 am

Mz... Your post hits so close to home with me... I know I have said a few things about ex here and there...I swear when we first got together he was the sweetest guy I had ever met.... The first time he hit me was the day after our son was born while I was in the hospital... He cried and said he was sorry...that he loved me...that he would never do it again.... I believed every word that he said... He didn't lay a hand on me for a year.... But the mental abuse was terrible... He told me I was ugly and no one else would ever want me ecspecially with a fing kid.... He said if I ever left he would kills us all.... He got more violent as the years went on. He yelled at me and our son constantly... Why didn't I leave? I truly was terrified. He put on a show for everyone else... They all thought he was such a doll... My son to this day has emotional problems....

One day I was pretty sure(since he had thrown me into a wall when I confronted him) that he was cheating on me... I knew it was my one chance to have an excuse to leave and never look back... I had intended to follow him that day but my best friend had called and said she was sick so I shouldn't come over. I decided to take her some soup and follow him the next day. Well, long story short he was fucking my friend.... I was shocked... I yelled at him and her for what seemed like hours... They both look terrified... It was the funniest thing I had ever seen. He was actually scared of me... I told her she was welcome to be the punching bag from here on out....

I went home. The boy was asleep in the car so I started packing clothes and such. Tried to figure out what to do with the animals.... He walked in behind me and closed the door. I turned around thinking it was the boy... He looked like a wild man... He grabbed me by my hair and drug me into the bedroom. He called me a whore and a bitch. He threw me on the bed.... I won't go into details but it wasn't pretty... When he was done he picked me up and threw me into the wall right onto a nail... He hit me over and over again... I looked down cuase I felt sick... There was blood on the floor. I hadn't told him I was pregnant for the simple reason I didn't want to be with this man anymore... I knew what had happened.

In a rage a punched him in the face and grabbed his nuts.... I told him that i would be back later to get my stuff and i was bringing all of my friends with me. I told him to be gone when I got back. I told him he would never ever hit me again. And if he did it would be the worst day of his life. I left... I went to the hospital and lost yet another baby.... When I finally got to house he had killed my cat Twix... The neighbors had interceded and climbed over the fence and got my dogs so he wouldn't hurt them.

I wish with all my heart that I had never said yes to him. I was pregnant with our boy before he asked. I could have just walked away and not looked back. I don't think I ever loved him. i think I loved the idea of him in the beginning... It is very hard for me to trust men. I know there are a lot of nice guys out there. I am just afraid I might find the one that's not again......


SacredStarDance

4/27/2006 10:43 am

WOW.. woman you make me so proud.. you can still love em but leave em...
My Mama Taught me how to measure life.. in one of my post.. At a very early age..like 5 she told me " no Dick is worth it" I remember it clearly.
She warned me if I ever go back to a man that put me down or hit me.. she would kick my ass... and I always listened to mama.. to afraid not to..
I'm so glad you survived and posted this message..so many woman and yes men to are struggling at this very moment.

hugggsssssssssssssssssssss

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat


absolutelynormal 57F
6563 posts
4/27/2006 11:21 am

As a nurse in an ER I see this every single day. It is estimated that 70 percent of the women that come to an ER with an injury, someone inflicted it upon them. I've seen women that I "knew" were beaten but they would insist they'd fallen down the stairs.

I had one woman coem in, her hubby brought her in after beating her so bad she had to get 20 stitches in her face. He went to the bathroom and she told me what happened. We called the cops. They came to the ER. Walked into the room, the woman was being stitched up. The officer opened the door, asked the man to step outside the room, he even put a chair out there so the man could sit down. He stayed in the room for a few minutes and walked back out. He came up to the man ans said "Are you Joe Blow?" He said he was. The officer then said Joe Blow please turn around, hte man did, the officer cuffed him and took him to jail. YAY!!!


caressmewell 55F

4/27/2006 11:50 am

MzHuny I'm damn glad that you left that man/men and are here with us.

I think both forms of abuse are bad and I thank God that I've only had a brush with one of those forms of abuse. I know that I have it in me to not only fight back but get the hell out, maybe it's the Irish in me. I was hit once and only once but my guardian angel with with me that night and I hit the ground next to a big stick which I then picked up and used on him. Needless to say he never came near me again.

Unfortunately I have known women in one or both situations and neither were strong enough or had the courage and self esteem to leave their men until the children became victims of the abuse.

Both are horrific forms of abuse and I have seen first hand the damage that is does. Great post.


rm_goddess1946 107F
13518 posts
4/27/2006 12:07 pm

my heart hurts for you MzHuny and also for others who will never tell their story... I work with an organization now that is amazing. we are spearheading a *bullying* program to educate both adults and children now... maybe I'll do a blog on it... I'm not so sure they would let it go through if I wrote it out. The name of our website is stopabuse. You know how to make that work with the dot com thing.

without going into alot of detail, I will tell you that I was only struck physically once by my husband. I left. He never did that again ..not the way he did THAT time anyway...and yet the emotional abuse and bullying went on for years. He drank. I'm sure I don't have to say too much more. I have been healing those wounds for the last 15 years and only recently feel as though it is safe to be able to trust someone completely again...

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
4/27/2006 12:12 pm

My ex never hit me, didn't yell or call me stupid. That would have triggered me leaving. The psychological abuse was much more subtle. Making me lose my feelings of self worth one day at a time, my self respect gradually being buried. It wasn't until one of his little games physically hurt me (he never laid a hand on me, but he didn't care if I was hurting either) that I finally asked myself what had happened to the woman I used to be, the mental image of myself as smart, strong, able.

I packed my bags and drove to the lawyer's and never regretted it.

If I have anything of substance to offer women on this site, it is my experience. You can leave. You can survive. You can be happpy. YOU can do these things. You don't need anyone else to make you complete as a human being, only yourself.

MzHuny, thank you. I hope someone reads this blog and understands they can save themselves.

Hugs.


rm_rover153 60M
2900 posts
4/27/2006 12:17 pm

I cringed as I started to read your experience. There isn't a woman, child, man or animal. That should suffer from the anger of another human being. Especially one where our perception of love allows abuse. My heart goes out to you and all women that are abused, mentally and physically. Your posts about experiences you had with your EX's will forever be tainted, no matter how erotic, by the fact that some "animal" was part of them. You are a strong woman and many people love and care about you including me. May the rest of your life be filled with people that share the same ideas.

XO Bill

totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day!


aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
4/27/2006 12:24 pm

I don't really learn from physical pain... I learn more from mental pain. Meantal pain hits me pretty hard.


rm_gent258 69M
486 posts
4/27/2006 2:04 pm

Thanks, Mzhuny for sharing that with us. I am numb. I hate to think that anyone is treated that way. Then, I am old school; I was taught that a man who hit women was a coward....


MaggiesWishes 61F

4/27/2006 2:04 pm

There is no use for "ABUSE" in the word "LOVE".

I send you warm huggies for your pain.
I however, can't even talk about this subject.


pragmaticCTcpl 63M/51F

4/27/2006 2:24 pm

Without writing a book here....Been there, had that done to me !!! (The gravel thing... exactly the same...I couldn't believe it when I read it. Thinking, you too? ) I'm NEVER going back to that shit!!! Physical and mental abuse both cause their own scars. Thanks for sharing.


rm_yukonpaul 52M
1120 posts
4/27/2006 2:26 pm

I have never experienced nor given out abuse of any kind. I have twice tried to help women that were abused. Unfortunately, both went back to him. I don't understand why men do this. It makes it difficult for 'nice' guys like me.


spacecadet561 61M

4/27/2006 3:01 pm

Mzhuny, with a background like that it's a wonder you didn't go to ground somewhere to hide from all the bad men in this world...or "go postal" and start taking them down. Still, you've managed to survive, and have a lot of friends here. I hope you've met some honorable men in the real world who know how to treat a lady with respect and dignity.

So what's with the whole dominant/submissive, master/slave stuff people do? It makes no sense to me. Haven't we fought enough bloody wars over that to know better than to do it anymore?

SpaceCadetรน


MamChelle 49F
1443 posts
4/27/2006 3:28 pm

i'd rather be beaten anytime than have the mental pain. i also have been that battered wife. i sometimes think that it should be a prequisite that when a couple marry they have to attend at least 6 weeks of in depth counseling on domestic relations. So many young people marry and have no idea of the rage that can come in a 24/7 situation when things go wrong. And worse yet stay because they don't know when to get out or where to go for help. If this was a mandate and the provisions made it could save some lives. (some states have tried ....but they forget to provide the resources, and make sure that those in need know where to go)


ArtisticTwist75 42F
2505 posts
4/27/2006 4:01 pm

MsHuny, I think both are bad, and both are worse depending on the day. There are times I would much rather be decked than deal with one more emotional assault, there are other times I'd just as soon be beaten emotionally. Probably not the answer you were looking for but facts just the same.

Artistic


oldude1946 72M

4/27/2006 5:03 pm

Why in the hell does a man need to hit a woman, does it make him a man. To me he is just a coward and a pussy. Yes I said it and any man that disagrees with me can kiss my ass. If ya don't like it, I'm easy to find. Come on down to the Ozarks and beat on me, maybe I can fix it so you can't see me so good.


redrobin012057 61F

4/27/2006 5:11 pm

Ya know mzhuny, I had no where to go after I left my first husband and I went into a woman's shelter.It was like I had no bruises or cuts on my body,and they question me as to why I didn't.They made it seem as though because they were beaten by their spouses/boyfriends, I didn't fit in and that I should move out of the refuge in case one of my children rang their dad and give away the location of the hostel.Talk about paranoia,I felt unwanted by the people who I thought would help me,I was scared and it looked as though I couldn't get help from anyone.2 weeks I relunctantly stayed there, I couldn't wait to find a house to rent,it seemed as though because I didn't share the bruises, doesn't make me any less for the emotional scares that I bore.Funny, people don't see under the surface.Its bad both ways .


frbnkslady 49F
6183 posts
4/27/2006 5:18 pm

And I would rather be hit then yelled at.. the sting goes away but the words echo for years....T

T




SweetDarlinAngel 41F
2996 posts
4/27/2006 5:28 pm

Huny~
I am sitting here barely able to type a response through the tears after reading your post today. I have spent the last few weeks struggling with issues similar to this in my own life. Though there are other things that have perhaps also arose to complicate my personal feelings on the matter as well. Feeling like perhaps there is someone out here who knows what I am going through right now. The way it feels to constantly criticized and ignored. They way it feels to be tld that everything you are and aspire to be will never be good enough because it isn't what they want or expect of you. You're not meant to be ideal, just be the one they settled for. How can one's heart feel good when you know that no matter how hard you try no matter what you do, you'll never be "good enough". That the anger haboured within the one you love is directed toward you but meant for someone else. Thank god, you got those harsh words and not your toddler who was the one that sparked the anger, or thank god you received that bout of rough sex rather than the dog that can't defend itself because of something as replaceable as a water hose. Perhaps your thankful that it was fingernail that was ripped off rather than that off your son or daughter even though you're still not sure where that anger stemmed from. I think that maybe there are times when we find ourselves wondering if we are worthy of more or if we think we have found ourselves in the exact situation we deserve. I love my spouse more than myself, is that why I stay? I don't know. But I know that it would take more than a threat on my life to make me leave, the first threat to my child would cause my bags to be packed ... so then I am pondering ... Is that what I am waiting for? Oh Mz Huny the buckets you open from time to time sometimes are far more messy than you realize ...
~SDA

~Angel


livinlavalova 44M

4/27/2006 5:45 pm

Family can be rough!! Been on both ends of all of it. Worst for me was mama sayin she's schitzophrenic, tryna tell her straight sense what a bullshit way that is to think, arguing to the point of screamin at each other, and losing the argument. That's when the mental abuse came. Can't beat the cops!! The System's fucked!! Ask me how I know!!!


m1903a3 60M

4/27/2006 6:56 pm

Both forms can kill. A woman can be so beaten down as to take her own life. It almost happened to my Kitty with her ex. I don't see much difference.
Thanks to brave souls like you, word is spreading. One more reason why we all love you. (I love you more! )
Abuse in any form is wrong and will not be tolerated.


rm_ibkule 77M

4/27/2006 7:08 pm

Mzhuny...Yiur blog was both very sad and very enlightening. As a guy who has lived with the memories of physical, psychological and sexual abuse as a child for lo! these many years, it has given me pause to ponder the ways in which I have dealt with situations that have come up in my life. One of the things that I recognised early on is that men (and I use that word in the most facetious manner possible)who abuse women and children are nothing but COWARDS. I have yet to meet one who would dare to do the same thing to real men. Anyone, male or female, who finds themselves in an abusive situation should leave it at the very first sign. It never gets better, and usually escalates in intensity. I left home at age 17 and never looked back and never regretted it. Many thanks for your blog. In reading some of your other musings I find you to be one of the most "real" people in the blogging area. I look forward to reading more of your writing. [IBKULE]


rm_DarknStar 55F
2823 posts
4/27/2006 7:11 pm

My God! My heart goes out to you!

As for your question, NONE of the above THX! I dont need the hittin or the bitchin, especailly from a MAN!

I have walked in the same shoes, I have been hit, I have been called things you cant imagen!! But still, the big thing is We Loved Them!

*HUGS* sista!


NC4GT2 47M/42F

4/27/2006 7:50 pm

mzhuny, you are one hell of a woman, its not hard to see you have went threw alot in your life, i have been fortunet not to have to go threw that in my relastionship, yes me and my husband get in the once in a while argument, while growing up i seen my mom and boyfriends fight, my sisters boyfriends fight and their kids would always be right there in the mix, it always made me think (they are dumb for staying)maybe they did it for the kids? but great honestly the boyfriends never did anything for the kids, with my mom back in 93 her boyfriend almost killed her, she had brain hemg.. big blood clot they had to remove, and old ones that was from different fights, she was in the hospital for 2 weeks,when she got out of the hospital i moved in with her, because she was scared to stay by herself, i was 18, the youngest of her children, well everything was going great until 1 month went by and they started dating, she knew i didnt want him around (i hated him) so they would go rent hotels to be together, well i left out she dropped the charges on him to, he was looking at alot of time in prison!!! well about 1 week after getting back together he put her back in the hospital, with getting stiches in her lip, well about that time i couldnt talk no sence into my mom, so i gave up and thats when i meet my husband, i started a life with him, in 2005 (my mom and boyfriend are both heavy drinkers) he came in drunk, and she stabbed him, well when i got word of it i was there, they had my mom in the paddy wagon, she was drunk and yelling, i told the cops look my mom is 64 years old and been through enough with this guy, yes it was her choice to stay? they didnt take her to jail, instead they took him!!!! well know you know i have never experenced abuse, but i have always been around it, you are brave, and im glad you made that choice that day, and im sure your kids are too!!!! i really enjoy your writings, thanks, chatam marcum


Knot4Everyone 41F

4/27/2006 8:33 pm

Mz Huny - It saddens me to hear you went through all of that! He actually drug you behind his truck?!? My gosh... THANK GOODNESS you left him! THANK GOODNESS you're alive and well today!!! I have more and more respect for you with every post!

While both physical and mental abuse are terrible things to deal with, given the choice I would choose physical abuse over mental abuse any day. Why? Because physical abuse is more "real". There's actual evidence that can been seen by all. It's not so easy to hide or explain away. If I couldn't remove myself from a physically abusive situation then there's a better chance someone else will notice the abuse and offer assistance. Mental abuse is a whole different ballgame - much more difficult to see, acknowledge, and overcome.

Hugs and kisses and hoping you never experience that again!!!


docdirk 49M

4/27/2006 9:05 pm

Damn, Mzhuny, I don't know what to say. That's some serious shit. Thank God you got out when you did. You're probably right about what would have happened if you stayed.

Both abuses are horrible. Unfortunately, often they come as a pair.

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...


JaniSux 46F

4/27/2006 9:22 pm

Physical abuse or mental/verbal abuse... Hmmm both are abuse... and I believe both can be insanely hurtful and even deadly.

With the physical abuse, the scars are more obvious and the end result being death, is more likely. I've never been in that kind of relationship and I pray I never will.

Mental abuse, and verbal abuse can be harmful to you self-confidence, to your self-worth, and to your self-esteem. We do some awful shit to ourselves or let awful shit happen to us, when we believe that we have no worth and when someone who's supposed to love you treats you like crap, well you come to believe that that's what you are.

And sometimes, there's the worst of the double whammies, where you are receiving both physical and verbal abuse, that's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

We take a lot of shit from people when they love us, we reason and explain away their faults, saying that everyone has problems, or he was in a bad mood and I said the wrong thing or even it was my fault.. and we even think that no one else could love us, so we stay with the asses and hope that this time it really will be different that this time, he has changed, but it's bullshit.

I feel that physical abuse is damaging to your body and verbal abuse is damaging to your soul..

Abuse of either kind is a hideous thing, I'm glad that you were brave enough to get out in time MzHuny. That's sooo hard and sooo important to do before it's too late. Good for you!

J.


livinlavalova 44M

4/27/2006 10:35 pm

But then again who here gets me? More of a in person kinda person. Talked to pops on the phone today. Talk to ya when I'm feelin better.


Whispersoftly5 53F
15176 posts
4/27/2006 10:37 pm

MzHuny - What a post. Wow. That was hard to read - it hurt my heart. I had similar experiences from my biological dad when I was a young girl and a teen. Now as an adult, any man raises his hand to me or tries to mentally abuse me he will find that I fight back and I don't loose. I will not tolerate such things in relationships with friends, family or lovers. Period. I won't surround myself with such people.

Men and women who can't control or don't even try to control their tempers and do things as you discussed are not worth the air they breath so far as I am concerned.

I'm sorry you had those experiences and am so happy for you and proud of you for overcoming them.

Whisper...


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
53F

4/27/2006 10:47 pm

words hurt as much or worse...

Abuse is abuse-

it's all wrong...

and REAL MEN don't do it...

TTFN


hotandhorny107 60F

4/27/2006 11:17 pm

Thankfully I was never a victim of physical abuse, but emotional/mental abuse was part of my first marriage. He was a spoiled rotten baby that would pout like a 2 year old when he felt he was being neglected, which was most of the time. I was his second wife and though the first one could have told me, she chose not to, and chances are I would not have believed it anyway.

I started to think something was off after I miscarried our first child, and he got truly bent out of shape while I was recovering from that loss, having lost the desire to have sex. My body was getting back to normal and there was no interest. His moodiness progressed but being a "good" wife, I chose not to see it. Within a few months I was pregnant again, and this time delivered a bouncing baby boy. This was the child from hell LOL.. He was colicky, did not sleep well and this grown man felt baby care fell to me and me only. Again this man began to throw tantrums and would sulk whenever he felt I was not paying enough attention to him. (read have sex whenever he wanted to) The deal breaker finally came when the baby needed attention and I just could not get out of bed from exhaustion. At that point I realized that during the past year, I had spent most of it walking on eggshells, afraid that I would do something to irritate him and he would stop talking to me again. Often it was a week or more before he would get over something... So I went off on him, like a crazy woman and tossed him out of our home. Packed his shit and put it on the front porch and told him to go home to his mother.... Best move I ever made. And it was a lesson learned.


lovemetouchme5 52F
2102 posts
4/27/2006 11:30 pm

It's funny or maybe ironic that you should post this tonight, as I have spent the last few nights fighting with my husband. The emotional abuse started several years ago, but he's becoming more and more physically abusive lately. To me, both are painful. I know I need to get out of this marriage, but there are circumstances that make it impossible at this point. Hopefully over the next few months, things with get better, or he'll move out!


rm_marnisway 86F
5018 posts
4/27/2006 11:43 pm

Truly amazing what goes on in this world...you're not alone.

*smiles*

x

Nothing is ever the same... when it comes to pleasures.

with a hint....the erotic senses will manifest into an abounding mess of flesh

the mind needs fulfillment of the body

if it feels good ...it is good

I've done it again...*S*


livinlavalova 44M

4/28/2006 2:41 am

M!1903. We all love ya too brotha.


rm_gata11459 59F
10597 posts
4/28/2006 5:23 am

cuz it actually feels safer to stay where it is familuar than it is to go out in the unknown.. cuz you dont think you have anything to offer out there cuz you are "dumb" "stupid" "ugly" and "worthless" cuz.......cuz......so many cuz's great blog mz! xoxo gata

Peace xxx K


VATraveler1948 69M

4/28/2006 5:35 am

I've tried to respond to this three times and each time I get hung-up in frustration. MzHuny, you are awesome, I applaud you for walking away from those relationships. That is the ONLY way to escape from the violence, you have to want to leave and you have to have the courage to actually walk out.

absolutelynormal is telling a very sad, but all to common story from her viewing point in the ER. That was a small victory, the woman was removed from the source of the abuse. The more troubling thing is that arresting the jerk doesn't do anything. The man will spend the night, or maybe two in jail and then will be released on bond. The victim may or may not get a restraining order that keeps him away for a while. The case will go to court, but by then the woman's stitches are healed and chances are VERY GOOD that she and her husband are back in love again. It is a fact that more than half of the women who report an assault by a spouse later decide to withdraw the charges or they refuse to testify because they don't want to see their loved one penalized. Thankfully, in Virgina at least, once the charges have been made they cannot be dismissed by the injured person. But nothing can force the victim to testify so quite often the prosecutions case is very difficult, if not impossible to prove. Societies answer is the Juvenile and Domestic Relations Courts. BY FAR the most common disposition of a domestic violence case is court ordered counseling and what is known as a Deferred Finding, or a Finding Under Advisement. In effect, go to counseling and then come back and see us in a year. Sometimes it works, more often they are back before the review and the cycle starts over again.

The only realistic hope of escape from an abusive relationship is to leave the relationship. Granted, there are other success stories; counseling victories, religious conversions, sometimes even a good judicial decision but the outlook for resolving the problem is not good.

MzHuny, you have opened a very big can of worms and have no doubt exposed some very tender memories but if this discussion causes one abused person to escape from their hell then it was worth it.


rm_hippy6663 66M

4/28/2006 6:21 am

MzHuny, You are a very brave and beautiful woman. I remember when I was getting my divorce my X would come over to where I lived an just Fuck with my head. She'd hit me call me a Drunk even after I got out of treatment ann was clean. She kicked me in the nuts one night , it hurt so bad but all I said was is that all the harder you can kick, that pissed her off. But I feel that people that Abuse people are just Cowards lashing out at the World.
Thank You Tommy


Looking4sex44240 55F

4/28/2006 7:07 am

I went threw the mental abuse, at one point I told him to hit me so he would feel better. I always heard I'll change, (control freak) it never happened. It only got worse. My marriage lasted 3 yrs. I don't know how I survived. It's been 2 yrs now and no stress atleast not like that.


VixenXandria 45F

4/28/2006 10:41 am

Thats sad- im sorry


SeaMist1966 51F

4/28/2006 10:49 am

Huny im sorry for all you have been thru...ive never had a man beat the hell outta me...But I grew up in a home where my mother was beat 2 times a week..and she never would leave either....I remember one time she was beat from the back of the house to the living room where I was watching cartoons...he was going to throw her out the door,and she fell to the floor...her head was hanging out the door and he stopmed her face several times...all the while i was screaming for him to stop killing my mother..He kicked my mother out the door and turned to me and said "You want ya mother go get the bitch"...he picked up the phone called his mother and said "I think I killed Linda this time"...He stepped out that door and kicked my mother 4 times like she was a bag of shit...I tried to help her up...I remember thinking at the young age of 9...NO FUCKIN MAN WILL EVER...NEVER EVER DEW THIS TO ME!!!...The ambulance came and took my mother to the ER...I was there with her cuz I was so worried she would die and she knew I was juss a innocent child and they let me stay with her....Dr Pratt (god rest his soul)...came in the Er where we were at...cops all over the place...as soon as he seen it was mother...he looked at the cops and in his words I remember like it was yesterday..."Fellas might as well go,this woman will not press charges against that bastard"....he was right she didnt...he contuined to abuse her till he left her for another woman in 1986...it was then she learned of the abuse he inflicted on me and my older sister...Yeah he was a child molester as well as a wife beater....Now this is the bad part....after 15 yrs of divorce...and knowing wat he did to her childern....she was so weak of a woman and a mother she went back to this monster....been with him ever since...and it cause mass mental breakdowns for me...but with therapy and good friends ive overcome the hate I had in my heart for mother...she is juss a weak minded woman...and I cant dew nothing to change that...so ima make sure I dont make the same mistakes she did....not as much for my sake...but the sake of my childern...kids dont deserve to be subjected to the things ive seen in my childhood....sorry this post was so long huny


EyeCandy33333 46F
761 posts
4/28/2006 11:41 am

Darling-I have lived with one man that did both.Thing is-it shocks you and you don't want to make things worse is what you are thinking-and you can't believe someone can't remember that he was choking you or you or pushing you around-as far as the mental or verbal-he knew what he was doing then-just so much hate inside of him I figured-for me-and I don't know why.Doesn't really matter-he knew I would never do that to him or anyone for that matter.
Both are equally as bad.They just kill a relationship.Think it's all about power.


EyeCandy33333 46F
761 posts
4/28/2006 11:54 am

And what set him off-everything-actually-nothing was ever right.What did I do wrong-I stayed-againm-I think it was a "poer struggle" in his own mind because I never had all the power-he surely let me know it!
I kept it all to myself- my family didn't even know-just cover up and keep going in front of them and at work.I did show my friend Tracey when I stopped by and had a couple before going home-to numb the pain-but you can't numb the mental part. It shocked the shit out of Tracey that he would do such a thing-I said yeh and he paints a nice rosey pic doesn't he of himself.
Is that what most abusers do-make themselves look really good to the opposite sex and treat the ones at home like shit? Even send the kid to bed-way before bedtime-and they've done nothing-and then to hear their Mom get treated like that.
I think about that now.I even told him once-go ahead and kill me-just get it done-you can't hurt me anymore than you already have-and mind you-I was speaking softly.He had also had an affair that year with a co-worker too-but I'm no angel-lol.


libgemOH 57M/53F

4/28/2006 12:35 pm

Abuse is abuse, no matter what form it takes. *big hug* to you dear!! And tears....-B


DLiscious2 49M/43F

4/28/2006 4:49 pm

MZ- Thank you for breaking the silence. Speaking out unleashes power. Look at how many you've inspired. You are amazing! Don't ever stop.


RevJoseyWales 70M/67F
14393 posts
4/28/2006 7:24 pm

One is equally as bad as another, and neither should be allowed to happen. It DOES NOT in my presance. I simply won't allow it. Just figure that any dirtbag low enough to abuse a woman isn't much of a man, and nothing to worry about. Seriously, can't, won't happen here. Joe

"McVeigh had the right idea, wrong address."

"This ain't Dodge City, and you ain't Bill Hickok."


rm_balls4u57 60M
125 posts
4/29/2006 5:57 am

I agree with one of the radio tlak show host when he said once "when someone hit's you first time you leave" they are not going to change as much as the woman like to belive she can change him. Sorry the way you were treated. I am sure the scars are deeper than what you see.


luvu2bm9 62F

4/29/2006 8:37 am

i think no one should be abused.... i was in both kinds neither one was enjoyable... glad i got outta them.....


rm_twobelookin 50M/52F

4/29/2006 8:11 pm

I was physically abused for 6 years in my first marriage and I think that when they hit you it leave emotional scars as well. For years after I left him I would dodge when someone would move their hand fast around me. He would punch me where people wouldn't see and slap me open handed in the face. He grabbed my hair once and beat my head over the edge of a door. His friend stood there and watched that for a minute and then turned and walked outside. What kind of person does that?! Anyway, I think they are pretty well equal because the scars last forever from both.


goodguysneedit2 57M

4/30/2006 4:37 am

Having spent a couple of years within online communities dealing with such issues..(assistant manager briefly at a couple of different sites)..I can promise you that physical abuse is horrible, but it's the emotional abuse that kills the soul,slowly, one teensie-little-bit at a time,until there is nearly nothing left.
In some cases it is actually physical harm which provides the needed wake-up call for a woman to leave an abuser. Once the body has healed, the soul takes years to recover...sometimes it can never be fully recovered.
So..unless the physical abuse leads to death or permanent disfigurement...emotional damage is the worst of all.


goodguysneedit2 57M

4/30/2006 4:46 am

P.S.
And it may sound silly or wimpy to some,but I can attest to the fact that a women who is well practiced in the art of seduction,along with those of denial,neglect,lying,and artful dodging can fuck a man up fiercely.
Been there,and I walk the halls of AdultFriendFinder..locked and loaded....LOL


OboesHonedIambs 63F

4/30/2006 2:40 pm

MsHuny,

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I've been pretty lucky that I haven't had to deal much with abusive men, but got close to it during my adolescent dating. A boy I dated for about 6 months when I was 16 was pretty manipulative - I'm not sure it qualified for psychological abuse or not - and he could make me feel badly about what I lacked. I dropped him because I got fed up with his put-downs. I wasn't fashionable enough, didn't wear the right shoes, etc. It wasn't worth it. What a snob he was!

Life has a way of driving the lesson home. The real eye opener about abuse came not long after. <y Mom married a man named Glen T. after a whirlwind courtship. My father had been dead since '63 and it was January 71' So we ended up with two step brothers also. Well, my sisters & I weren't keen on Glen at all. One night, about after they were married, I was being picked up for a date, was all ready, and Glen said no way was I going out with him because his hair was too long - I agrued with him that it wasn't that long - in fact, for frame of reference, it wasn't much longer than Goddess1946's short do. I got upset, but my boyfriend just backed off and went home. After watching my friends care drive off and Glen turned around, hauled off and punched me in the mouth with his fist. I ran away from home and before returning home went to see my probation officer (who was given my case when I was molested 8 years earlier*.) and he called my friend to come to his office to see for himself what Glen felt was so long it was worth splitting my lop over and measured it with a ruler and it was not over 2 inches long and mostly was less than an inch long. He then called my Mom and Glen to come in and they did. Glen tried reaching for me, but Mr. K got in the way and told him to settle down. Mr. K. told them that Glen did not have parental rights, that he had no right to lay a hand on me or my siblings and then said that as long as I was a ward of the court, if he hit me again for any reason, he would be prosecuted for child abuse. Two months later Glen savagely beat my mom so that she was a massive bruise from her hairline to her ribs. Glen's sons, my temporary step-brothers, helped me get chase him out of the house at gun point - I had my mom's 38 revolver and BT had my late father's Browning rifle trained on him. The next day mom filed for an annulment, got the annullment pushed through in 48 hours and then turned around and had Glen charged with felony assault. He pleaded guilty and was given a suspended sentence, and ordered to stay away at least a mile, for perpetutity, and that if anything violent ever happened to us or his sons, that he would be the first person to be considered as the primary suspect.
Glen is dead and has been for many years. Only one person went to the funeral and that was the guy from the funeral home. I heard that one of my former stepbrothers had adopted his mother's family name not long after the fracas with our family that he helped us on.

My mom's quick retaliatory action against Glen really helped drive home that abuse was intolerable out of anyone and shortly thereafter told me that she was proud of how smart and gutsy I'd been to involve my probation officer after Glen had hit me and that she was sorry that she hadn't thrown him out that night.

(*for those who wonder - back in the early 60s, in NM, the law felt that even a child under 10 who was molested and didn't report it was as culpable as the molester, so we were often brought into the juvenile justice system as "fornicators" which is why I had a probation officer in the first place.)

Instant Human -- Just Add Coffee


waerlookin4fun 51M/47F

4/30/2006 9:52 pm

mzhuny, this subject has been brought up a lot recently and it got me to thinking....I was in an abusive relationship for six years and always, like you and many others, thought it would get better and he was truly sorry. When I was growing up my father treated my mom like that and the most horrifying memory I have is of him tying her to a chair and shooting at her with a rifle while making me and my sisters watch. I think this is a pretty good indicator as to why I ended up with someone so abusive......my neighbors found me unconscious in my home one night, but it still took me two more years to leave.......I was very fortunate and now have a very loving, gentle man that I'm married to. I wish you and everyone else the same


gypsy1629 42F

5/1/2006 1:20 am

You are one STRONG woman...not just for SURVIVING either...also for telling all who will listen your story! Your battles and TRIUMPHS To do this takes COURAGE along with the STRENGTH...Your story will HELP many others, of this I am sure, maybe not today, nor tomorrow but, some day it will...cause you GAVE some woman out there HOPE!!!

gypsy


rm_amature2006 47M/54F

5/1/2006 7:30 am

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You really are a strong woman. I'v had it both ways, all I can say is that the physical scars heal. The emotional stuff bleeds on to every other part of your life. My mom was the best I could have ever hoped for and my dad was a bastard. I remember him hitting her and I swear she would come back at him with everything her 5 feet 100 lbs would give her. She would climb him like a tree. People say I get my spunk from her. Unfortantly all his yrs of abuse took it's toll on her physically. She was a strong Christian who didnt believe in divorce. She finally left him when I was in the third grade, but never divorced. He was trying to shoot one of my brothers. And trying to run another one off from home. If you disagreed with him about anything that was excuse to grab his leather strap, ball bat or gun. I can still here her saying, you have mistreated my kids for the last time. I didn't know it but my mom and my brothers had been building us a house from a old house a friend was tearing down. We went there that night. We didn't have any power the rooms weren't even divided up. Mom cooked over a fire for us for 6 months. We were happier than we had ever been. What got me was after everything he had done to her, later in yrs he would come over and eat with us. He died in 1978 and I hated him until just a few yrs ago. Mom took care of us, we didn't have what we wanted, but I never remember being hungry, until I was raising my son, but thank God he didn't go hungry. I wonder how many times she went hungry for us. My mom was 40 when I was born so everyone else grew up and left and it was just me and her. She told me "don't ever let a man beat and bang you around" It took courage but I walked away. thanks Mz Huny


FunandFrisky79 43M/38F

5/3/2006 1:38 pm

I'm so sorry, Huny! My heart goes out to you!!! Many women (& men) are victims of abuse, and so few people feel comfortable enough to talk about it and GET OUT! I commend you for having the courage to do just that!!! You're an inspiration to us all, sweetie! I, too, was abused, but I finally made the right decision and did what was best for ME! And, now, as you know, I'm happier than I've ever been!

Big kisses & hugs, my friend!!!


]


imLadyBambi 59M/51F

5/5/2006 11:28 pm

Dear Hun E. Hole,

Mr. Bambi here...

Honey, our hearts go out to you. No one should ever have to go through what you and so many others (women, children, AND men) went through.

Unfortunately, we, as a society, tend to over simplify the dynamics of abuse. Especially if we chalk the continuing abusive pattern up to love, the underlying reasons why a person continues to find themselves in abusive relationships and failed relationships is overlooked.

I have in my possession an educational article that I co-wrote. The article discusses in depth the dynamics of abuse. Normally, I would post it as a magazine article on AdultFriendFinder. However, because I wrote only part of the document, I do not own the copyright rights. Therefore, I can only offer this to you via a personal e-mail (or another more personalized form). If you would like to read this article (it is 11 pages), let me know and I'll send it to you.

Once again, our hearts go out to you.

Mr. & Mrs. Bambi


moonfire2u 71F
2602 posts
5/7/2006 7:39 am

I was almost sickened at hearing what you went through....I think abuse is abuse...all leave scars...I was in an emotional and mentally abusive marriage for 21 years...I bought into I was stupid and couldn't go anywhere else for all those years...until one day I said I didn't want to live and die this way...and I left...at 40...learn to drive (I hadnot been allowed to before then) and got a job and a real life for myself...I still have those feelings of inadequacy from time to time...but I am more centered and confident with each passing year...I wish the same for you...and everyone who has gone through their own hell...that old saying comes to mind....What doesn't kill you...makes you stronger...Amen to that!!!

kind thoughts,
Moonfire


bobbi4you 57F
2 posts
5/8/2006 3:17 pm

WOW I read this story and I sat and cried for the longest time. You are full of strength and your children are very fortunate to have such a wonderful mother. THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing! I know it took alot! Big Hug to you!


norprin5 56M

5/9/2006 8:28 pm

it's a couple weeks after you wrote this post, Mzhuny...in that time there are so many people who have told their own stories of abuse...and i believe that it has been a very healing experience for them, and for Blogland in general...

Mzhuny, thank you for being the heart of this place

love always
mike

King Nor XVIII


rm_quik876 41M
4 posts
5/10/2006 8:50 am

Damn MZ, that was some $h!t u went through, and to go through it twice, sweetie you need a medal. nobody deserves that kinda treatment. Neither abuse is good, but I'd have to say that with the physical abuse there's both emotional and physical scars and that one two combo is the worst because any time you see the physical scar, you're reminded of how it got there and then the emotional sets in.

I gotta say to anyone in that kind of situation needs t'get outta there cuz there's always someone better out there that'll treat u better. Just be safe when you do; those kinda people will continue their crap even though you left, cuz they just don't get the point, and by some f--ked reasoning they think they're justified in doing it.

People like that have more issues than Rolling Stone, and the only way they can quit bein' a little bitch is to beat on someone else?

in any case MZ I'm glad you got away from that, an' I hope ur in a good relationship w/someone that actually has some balls.


rm_msfortune1 60F
3 posts
5/10/2006 5:14 pm

You are a survivor MzHuny...like all so many of us here.

Although I've never blogged before, I do come on here on occasion and specifically look for yours as I believe you bring up some very interesting topics which get people involved. On that note, I've always felt you should write a column for your local newspaper or submit articles to magazines. Because you're down to earth, say it as it is without offending anyone and perfect for the job!

Keep on blogging...

msfortune


Babel__Fish 46F

5/11/2006 1:01 am

I'm going to write my story MzHuny... thanks for having the courage to write yours.

*HUGS*
babel


wondertwins2006 44F/39F
138 posts
5/12/2006 10:49 pm

Do ya all think..physical abuse or mental abuse is worse?
Would ya just as soon someone hit ya as bitch and hollar at ya all the time?
I don't Honestly know, Mzhuny. There was a time, many years ago, when I was much younger and thought I'd NEVER let a man treat me like something he'd scraped off his shoe. Boy was I wrong.

For six years I let my second hubby treat me and mine like stray dogs. He'd come home hours and hours late from work, smelling of booze and sex. If I ever complained, he screamed, he shouted, he'd call me every name but my own, threaten to leave with MY kids. He Threw us out in the snow a time or two.

There was always money for whiskey (or anything else he wanted) but my children went without beds or decent clothes for four years (thank heaven for my folks. They sent new clothes at least twice a year) The man who was supposed to love and cherrish me called me a dumb hick. I had been told "why don't you go home to your redneck, white trash family"

He moved me hundreds of miles from my family, and still I loved him.

He either broke or threw away my cherrished objects. And still I loved him.

He had numerous affairs. And still I loved him.

He threw us out of the house in three feet of snow. And still I loved him.

He had control of nearly every aspect of my life. And still I loved him.

Loved him because after the tears came, he was sorry. He'd had a hard day at work. He was drunk. He would never let it happen again because he was a doctor and man of the cloth.

Then one day I came home and the children were gone. He said "I had childrens services take them away because you arent fit to be a mother. You'll never see your f***ing kids again." That day, he tried to run me down with my own car. That did it. No more love. Mostly.

After I called the police he brought the kids out of hiding. I left that day.

During all of that mess, he never once hit me. Never laid a hand on me. Would I have left sooner if he had hit me? I don't know. There were days I wished he would hit me, just once, and I'd leave so fast it would make his head spin. But I don't know.


runzwithknives 61F

5/13/2006 8:18 am

You are not just a survivor MsHuny but an overcommer.
I agree that physical abuse is worse as it also entails mental abuse. I've never been in a physically abusive marriage but all three were mentally abusive in very different ways.
Wondertwins hits it for me. There were times I wished for physical abuse because that line is so very clear for me. I would have left immediately. The lines for mental abuse were not so clear at all...

Hugs
Rosa


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