What kind of relationship do you want?  

rm_muchfun40 53M
0 posts
11/6/2005 12:36 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

What kind of relationship do you want?

"What kind of relationship do you want?" she said with a sort of teasing smile as she sat up in bed, hair sort of unkempt yet every curl in place.

"I'm not sure what you mean by that." I said in reply, still in a post-coital blissful haze. The question still bouncing around in my head, not fully registering to my psyche in its current state.

"Well, you know, monogamous, open, somewhere in between... Everybody has their expectations, you know..." she said, trying to sound assertive, yet realizing, as she looked at me, that I didn't really know how to take the question.

"Well, I'm not entirely sure, I must say I haven't really had any thoughts along those lines yet." I think I was a little annoyed by the question. It seemed like trying to intellectually define the principles of the piston engine after a wonderful sexual experience.

I'm sure it's a question that gets discussed all the time these days, yet I was arrested by its frankness. Thinking about it was quickly lifting me out of my post-coital bliss like a piano crashing to the sidewalk from a four stories high fall.

"I just want to know where we are going with this... I'd rather just have all of our expectations out on the table from the outset." she says as she looks in the mirror.

Was I in a boardroom meeting? She still looked blissfully relaxed and smiling the entire time. It seemed to be a perfectly comfortable conversation to her. But I must have shown my slight discomfort; it must have come across in my voice, as she seemed to notice it.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing really. I guess I've never thought of relationships in terms of strict labels before. In the past my relationships just seemed to organically grow, so I don't really have a prepared answered for you. I guess if I were to be put on the spot...."

"Which you are" she quipped, smiling.

"...I guess I would say that I want 'Our' kind of relationship. Whatever that might be, or develop into." I say, in a contemplative sort of voice.

"That’s an evasive answer... are you saying you have no expectations?"

"No, No, I'm not trying to be evasive at all. I guess I just don't feel like.... ya know....I KNOW you well enough to really have any firm expectations.(?) I don't think I'm saying this right. Well...to me, every relationship is different, as different as the people in them, ya know, so in large way I fell like...like...we just met, so NO! I guess you're right, I have NO expectations right at this moment because I really don't have anything to base them on,” I said, feeling sort of cornered. I stopped talking before I became to shrill, and I was a little nervous about what she was about to say. Now fully jolted from our post-coital bliss.

Then I broke the short silence. Curiosity had apparently overcome my basic urge to maintain interpersonal civility.

"You really like to classify things like that in such a way?"

My question visibly took her by surprise. She needed time to think.

"What do you mean by that?" was the obvious obfuscation she chose to buy a little time.

"I mean you seem to have these labels for a relationship and it seems you want to hang one on ours so you don't have to think about it very much.(?)" I said with a questioning inflection in my voice.

What the hell was I thinking, I just had very fulfilling sex with this beautiful woman and all the sudden I was becoming verbally confrontational. I mean, I know that a lot of times I come across with more hostility than I intend but I think this made me realize that maybe her original question hurt just a little. Like it was a slight let down after spending a beautiful day with her walking through the park and just talking. I guess I should step back a bit.

"Again, I didn't say that right...." I said.

"No it's OK, you're being honest and I appreciate that." She interrupted my back stepping and the interruption felt a bit like a cat about to pounce on her prey. "It's not that I'm trying to label it and put it on a shelf or something, I'm just trying to get a feel for your expectations so I can align mine. I've found that unstated expectations are often what kills a relationship, often as it starts."

Now I felt inexperienced, and I was, I hadn't dated anyone nor been with anyone else since breaking up with Kat (which took me a long time to find out I was in a stifling, codependent relationship), of whom I lived with for over 5 years. It was the 90s now and things were different. And she was definitely a woman of the 90s. She had many friends, acquaintances, past relations and even perhaps current lovers.

Then I wondered, briefly, where I might fit in...then as quickly as I thought of it, I dismissed it. It just doesn't matter, just let the relationship grow or let it go. Just enjoy the moment. As I learned later, it was exactly the right move...no move at all.

Without fully analyzing or answering the original question any further, we both fell asleep on her bed. I woke up an hour later and stared at her sleeping face in the soft light that came from a little desk lamp on the floor pointed upward from underneath the fica tree next to her bed. I wondered what, if anything, had just begun. If either of us knew where it would lead.

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