I know exactly which emotion this is  

rm_metalmama69 43F
5299 posts
4/26/2006 5:29 pm

Last Read:
4/28/2006 1:00 pm

I know exactly which emotion this is

This is called being heart broken.

I had to tell 'Lil Metal the last of the details regarding the divorce and upcoming move. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.


I also realized that I will not be spending Mother's day with him this year. It will be my first Mother's Day not being spoiled by him. It will be a sad day for me, I will be missing him terribly. And I know he will be missing me too.


So, tonight I'm drinking it away. I've been hammering it pretty good for about 2 1/2 hours now & am about done with this rotten evening. I'm going to take my meds and head to bed. Tomorrow, hopefully, will be better than today....cuz today TOTALLY fucking sucked. I hope I feel good for work tomorrow. Don't really care if I don't.


I'll be hiding in the back of my cave all alone for a while until I feel safe enough to venture back out again. Goodnight my friends



ohcurious14 60M  
1684 posts
4/28/2006 7:30 am

Metalmama, I completely understand your feelings and even though this will be a sad time when you leave, Knowing that he is happy for you definately helps.I wasn't that lucky.You see i left the home on May 14th of last year.My kids, no thanks to their mother put preconceived ideas in their head that i was going to abandon them forever.You speak about a gut wrenching feeling there, omg it still hurts to think about it. My kids have been lied to about their father. As Naughtyblonde stated," kids are more resilient than we ever give them credit for", yet in some ways they are pretty nieve too. I don't really have a vindictive bone in my body so it hurt me to know how it was they were feeling. If they only knew just what all my ex did to me and how she twisted things around to make it look like i was the bad guy they would just die. Well i am the one who is sacraficing alot of bonding time with them until they learn for themselves.Does it hurt? Yes it does, I've had many an emotional day knowing how much they are disappointed in me and yet i know it is all a lie.Yes i will admit it does take two to tangle but this is such a huge difference.For however long it takes for my kids to realise that they have been lied to, and i know sometime, somewhere, down the road all the truth will come to light. I'm not gonna be the one that burst their bubble. I got to spend my Birthday in July, alone, no calls from either kid, no cards, no presents no nothing. Oh yea don't think i didn't think about offing myself, because i did. A weak moment, for even me.I am being cheated of their affection yet mine doesn't change.They in time will learn from their mistakes and it is unfortunate it is at my expence they have to find out the truth.Until that day comes, I am foreever holding on to hope.Be blessed your situation is much different.


rm_metalmama69 43F
3878 posts
4/28/2006 6:21 am

All is happy and well here in Redneckville.... Thanks everyone!


tillerbabe 57F

4/28/2006 1:18 am

Sending you a warm blanket and a candle to the back of the cave....{=}


Sorceror07 55M

4/27/2006 11:07 pm

    Quoting rm_metalmama69:
    Update:
    Today after school I asked 'Lil Metal if he had any questions about last night's talk. He said no, he asked if sorceror07 had a bird at his house, I said no, he has a sheep. (just kidding Sorc! I kept her our little secret) I told 'Lil Metal that there were birds outside of Sorceror's house, he seemed happy with that answer and told me to keep the bird feeders full. I told him I'd make sure of it. I asked if he were happy or sad. He said he was happy because I don't cry all day anymore! That about broke my heart! I thought I had hid my crying from him, but kids are so much smarter then we realize. And I didn't cry all day....it was all night! LOL! Anyway, the point to all of this is that my boy is happy, even with all of this going on. The ex & I somehow managed to raise a smart, strong, confident little metalhead, and that makes me happy! Today has been so much better. Now....all I need is a Tootsie Pop and the day will be perfect
i'm so glad i waited to respond to this blog string (well, i was in a rush today, so i guess i got lucky ) and i'm sooooo glad things look so much brighter for you now, my pet

the hell with the damned sheep... i want to know more about that tootsie pop!!!

...That which does not kill me merely pisses me off!...


docdirk 49M

4/27/2006 5:47 pm

The little ones so often surprise us with their ability to see through walls. They are smarter than we think. Unlike me. Pure dumbass!

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/27/2006 2:53 pm

I'm very glad today is better for you. And children know a lot more about things that we should give them their crdit.


rm_metalmama69 43F
3878 posts
4/27/2006 12:32 pm

Update:
Today after school I asked 'Lil Metal if he had any questions about last night's talk. He said no, he asked if sorceror07 had a bird at his house, I said no, he has a sheep. (just kidding Sorc! I kept her our little secret) I told 'Lil Metal that there were birds outside of Sorceror's house, he seemed happy with that answer and told me to keep the bird feeders full. I told him I'd make sure of it. I asked if he were happy or sad. He said he was happy because I don't cry all day anymore! That about broke my heart! I thought I had hid my crying from him, but kids are so much smarter then we realize. And I didn't cry all day....it was all night! LOL! Anyway, the point to all of this is that my boy is happy, even with all of this going on. The ex & I somehow managed to raise a smart, strong, confident little metalhead, and that makes me happy! Today has been so much better. Now....all I need is a Tootsie Pop and the day will be perfect


BIGDUNN26 37M
2 posts
4/27/2006 8:58 am

I KNOW YOUR PAIN MY GIRL OF 6 YRS. JUST THREW ME OUT THE DAY BEFORE I HAD SURGERY ON MY HAND SO I'M CHILLIN ALL ALONE AND IN PAIN LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO TALK TO AND YOU SEEM LIKE YOU COULD RELATE DROP ME A LINE IN MY MAIL BOX KINDA OF NEW TO THIS


SacredStarDance

4/27/2006 7:38 am

I don't know the story..I will say your love is in the right place..and even when your apart your child will know it.. and will give you the stength to help you make the decisions you need to make.

Best wishes

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat


sweetemotion661 56F

4/27/2006 4:53 am

I'd like that mama.....you also can get mine from you know who as you & he speak more that he & I do. I'm very glad my experience has helped you.....you've been in my prayers with regards to this decision. I hope you know also...if you ever have a down day & just need a friend someone to talk to or cry with, I will be here for you.

Much fondness!
M


rm_metalmama69 replies on 4/27/2006 8:41 am:
Thank you!!
No offense, but I deleted your last comment for having too much info. You know much more info than the average blogger who happens to drop by and due to one certain not-so-nice man who has been lurking about (long story) I didn't want to leave it up.
I really want to thank you for your support, it means ALOT to me considering the unusual circumstances

rm_MrRite23 46M
156 posts
4/27/2006 3:35 am

R U looking foward to the new Tool album???


TabithaElectra79 39F

4/27/2006 2:39 am

Just wanted to stop by and give you a big, tight hug!


m1903a3 60M

4/26/2006 5:35 pm

I've been there. It WILL get better. Take the day off and fuck everything else. Good night, MM. Sweet dreams.


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