Fuck it all  

rm_maybesingle 46M
10 posts
2/13/2006 9:04 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Fuck it all

Desparation has turned into despair. On this eve of Valentine's Day 2006, I write this entry with the hope it will be my last entry. I am not suicidal, but today I began praying to the God that has forsaken me to take my life; to end it, quickly and painlessly. For you see, I have nothing left to live for, and absolutlely no reason to hope for better.

Over the last 36 hours, I have argued, cried, begged, reasoned, and threatened my way to what has in all likelihood become the end of my marriage; the loss of my family. The last thing I had, my only reason for being, has been stripped from me.

You see, I suffer from chronic depression. At no time in my life has it been more severe than it is right now. I am at the end of my rope, down and out, and whatever other cliche you may want to attach here. Beginning about two years ago, I began a downward spiral of pain and anguish the likes of which I never believed possible. I have been able to pinpoint that onset only through long term thought and soul searching. Because, you see, it was happening long before that period. It began years before, as I failed time and again to become the success that I felt I was destined to be.

Without going into long stories of specific instances, let me just say that every job I have taken has become my worst enemy. In each one, I have failed to achieve the success that was both hoped for and expected, from both myself and my employers. Self destructive does not even begin to describe the behavior that each poor decision has brought to my plate. And with each ensuing failure, came yet another slip into the abyss that is depression.

At the same time I was abdicating my responsibilities as a provider, I was also abdicating my responsibilities as a money manager. I gave that over to my wife early in the game. And because I refused to take charge and manage our money, our financial position slowly but surely eroded into what culminated in September 2005 as bancruptcy and the loss of the one symbol of success I had, our home.

But getting back to that period of time two years ago, I was already mostly "gone". I had withdrawn emotionally from my wife to the point that she began to build a wall to protect herself. By that time I was constantly sad and threatened suicide often; more as a way to garner sympathy than anything else. But that behavior became both worrisome and onerous to her, and she began finding any way possible to avoid coming home to deal with me. My oldest son began doing the same, as he could not stand to be around me.

During that same time, I began what I felt would be long term career in an organization I had loved from childhood. Indeed I felt it was something I could do with passion and charisma and eventually retire from, happy in the fact I had served mankind. But because many of the financial problems we were experiencing had been hidden from my view by my wife, who believed she was protecting me, I had no idea that the 10,000 dollar a year pay cut would cement our financial ruin.

A little more than a year into the job, i began to realize that the organization was not financially solvent and that my job was in jeopardy, not because of performance this time, but through no fault of my own; poor management at levels well above me. This knowledge accelerated the downward spiral and made me physically ill to the point that I was hospitalized, had extensive gastro-intestinal surgery, and was out of work for over a month to recover.

By the time I was "well" again, the familial financial situation began to hit us at full force and bancruptcy began to seem like a viable option, though disgusting at the same time. Then the roof caved in on my organization and I was laid off. They had no money to pay me.

I was given a month of notice and all the time I needed to find a job, but was unsuccessful in finding one that was acceptable. So I went to work selling cars, where once again I failed, not because I could not sell, but because I refused to compromise my precious "values".

By this time, we had declared bancruptcy and the house was no longer ours. I heard there was a position open in the organization I had been working for previously, in a solvent territory. I interveiwed for and was offered the position. After consulting with my wife, who stated she and the family would move at the end of the school year, I accepted the position, somehow believing that a change of venue and a belief in the mission would translate to success and eventual happiness.

Two weeks into the job, my wife called to tell me that if I had not left, she would have, and she just didn't know if she and my three sons would be coming to Myrtle Beach.

It was at that point that I lost what little control I had left. There was no stopping the downward spiral now. Within a month I could no longer perform my duties to either my satisfaction or anyone elses. To their credit, my employers gave me chance after chance and would have given me more chances, had I not come to the conclusion that I could no longer function in that place in that position without my family. I tendered my resignation and was gone four months after I started.

During these months I talked extensively with my wife, trying to figure out exactly what I needed to do to win her back, to save my family. She repeatedly stated that I had to get my life together; to decide what I wanted to do and do it. I had to take control of my depression and do so by whatever means neccessary; whether that be medication or counseling. I began doing those things she seemed neccessary, but it never seemed to be enough.

The decision was made for me to go live with my parents so that I could continue my "recovery". I decided that I would pursue teaching and work in addition to treatment.

And so we come to the present, where all I have done seems to be for naught, as I discovered the only way to become a teacher would be a full time committment to school and a promise to not work during that time. In addition, the starting salary would be ANOTHER 10,000 dollar pay cut. How can I support my family on that? In addition, the progress I have made in dealing with the depression is not good enough in her eyes. In fact, though I have never lifted a hand to her, last night when I spent the night, she slept with my handgun under her pillow, because she was afraid of me. Afraid of me. Afraid of me. Afraid of me.

And so, it has become clear that I have come full circle in this cruel game that God has played with me; this life game that has, as far as Im concerned, ENDED. God has forsaken me. He has allowed me to lose my physical and mental health. He has allowed me to fail over and over again in my career(s). He has taken all I have worked for and tossed it to the hungry wolves of usery. And finally, he has taken my reason for living...my wife and boys...my family.

Well Im sick of His twisted catch 22 games and ridiculous demands. So I say...whatever. I'm finished. If He truly is a "merciful" God, he will take me from this Earth. I care not where I end up anymore. I am broken and NOTHING can repair me. I have been discarded by the one person on this planet that I felt would stand by me forever. She has decided I am defective, (and I am), and that she can't love me anymore. And somehow I'm supposed to be happy I still have my kids and be happy to be a part time Father to them. FUCK THAT AND FUCK HER!!! If I cant be their Father 24/7, I dont want to be anything. The only thing left for me now is a constant prayer to end it. You see, I would fail at that too if I tried; and why should I take responsibility to end it when its God's fault???

hotandhorny107 59F

2/13/2006 11:17 pm

Hope that you will reconsider your options and find the help you seem to desperately need. I have been there and done that, and with the help of professionals and medications I have been able to come back to the land of the living. It is very easy to say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade...

Starting over is never easy but it sounds like that may be your best option. Go slow, get better and remember that it can only get better from here. Good luck

SlimGoodGuy 39M

2/14/2006 12:07 am

Depression is something very few people really understand. They do not recognize the inability to see a light at the end of the tunnel attitude in depression. I hope that your ability to express what you have been through in writing has been therapeutic in some way. Everyone goes through what you have experienced, some even worse than your story. Placing so much fault in God is something that is understandable, however, not the way to see it. I'm sure many of the Katrina victims have had similar words with God. But tomorrow is another day. It may not be what you want, but it's there for the taking. You are at another point in your life where you should talk to someone, whether that be a medical professional or a religious figure such as your minister at the church you attend. Your wife has been through a lot with you, but from the looks of things, is not as supportive as she could be. It's also very hard being the shoulder to lean on. Sometimes they need a break from it all. The successful treatment of any mental illness relies heavily on a superb support system. I believe you lack that supportive network hold you up, but something like that can be easily found. Your family is a good place to start, but there are people out there who do this day in and day out for individuals such as yourself. Seeking help is your next step and can be as easy as picking up the phone. It's far from over. As human beings, we have a magnificent ability to withstand great hardship. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You've made it this far. You've got a lot more ahead of you. The important thing for you now is to talk to someone. TALK TO SOMEONE.

Best of luck my friend. We are all with you on your journey.

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