An open letter to my wife  

rm_maybesingle 47M
10 posts
2/15/2006 5:49 am

Last Read:
3/8/2006 10:59 pm

An open letter to my wife

An open letter to my wife:

My dearest Kelly,

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I wonder if it was for you as well. For the last fifteen years, Valentines Day was a time to celebrate the love we had for one another. It was a time for gifts and cards and making love. It was a time to look back on where we had been and to look forward to where we were going. Yesterday all I had of you were memories and regrets. The memories turned bitter as I played through them in my mind and regret took over as I realized that there would probably be no more memories made.

I have come to the end of my rope my love. I have come to a point in my life that I never dreamed would come. In the past, I had envisioned a long life of happiness and love. I dreamed of seeing our boys go off to college, marry loving young women of character, and bring to us many beautiful grandchildren to heap even more love and joy on. I dreamed of a time when money no longer drove us apart, because we had enough to live and do the things we always wanted to do. I dreamed of a day soon when we could take our boys to Disney World, where our honeymoon was, so they could experience the joy that is that place. I dreamed of a day we could take our boys to Franklin NC so they could mine and camp as I had with my parents. I dreamed of sitting beside each other in lawn chairs outside our home, watching our grandchildren play with our great-grandchildren, watching the sun set on another beautiful day and it set on our lives on this Earth. I dreamed of an end that said "well done, your lives meant something, together".

Those dreams are fading Kelly. They are fading into memories that will never be. I have lost many dreams in my life, as have you. Will I lose these dreams as well? Are these dreams the same as those you had, or are they just delusions of a mentally ill mind? Do you even care about those dreams anymore?

The last few things I said to you on Monday were exactly how I felt and still feel ab0ut you. I love you with every fiber of my being, despite the terrible and callous things Ive said in the past few months. I still believe that we were destined to be together. God put us in the same placed at the same time for a reason. Our three boys were given to us as blessings and responsibilities. They too were constructs of God's will. Our marriage and our lives together were not accidents of fate or the stars, we were chosen to be together from the beginning of time, when God himself wrote the book of the Earth, the Sun, and the stars. He knew before we were ever born that our lives were to be intertwined and we would become one in the forms of Thomas Gabriel, Jon Caleb, and Aaron Noah. And he also knows the names of our grandchildren, and our great-grandchildren, and until His son comes again, the names and faces of all those we will have a hand in creating.

Yes, I have stated that I am angry at God. But that does not mean I dont believe in Him and the power and wisdom and love that He has for us.

The questions I keep asking myself, and the ones I have asked you over and over again, are what happened to your love for me? Where did it go? Do the vows we affirmed nearly fourteen years ago mean to you what they mean to me? When did I go wrong? Where did I go wrong? How can you discard your husband, the father of your children and the man who has devoted himself to taking care of this family we created? And most importantly, IS THERE ANY HOPE AT ALL TO PRESERVE THIS FAMILY?

I have none of these answers. Only you have these answers and I have yet to hear those answers from you with any real conviction. Im scared Kelly. Im scared that you are going to strip away from me the only thing of true worth I have ever had or ever will have, my family...not my sons, because they are only part of my family...but my FAMILY.

You see, I don't want our family to be yet another statistic in the book that is the death of the family and marriage. I never set out nor ever wanted to be a part of this world that cares little or nothing about what broken homes and marriages do to the people that come from them, whether that be the parents or the children. For God sakes Kelly, you of all people know what a broken home can do to kids. Why would you want that to happen to ours? Why would you want them to go through that constant back and forth of who are we living with next weekend? Why would you want the confusion of them not knowing where their next Christmas will be? Why do you want them to wonder why Dad or Mom don't come to their ball games or their school functions, or whatever, because Mom or Dad are a hundred miles away and cant be there? Why is this even a possibility? Why would you allow that to happen?

You say you have no longer have romantic love for me. You ask me if it is fair to you for me to ask you to stay in this marriage if it only makes you unhappy. Well, I've thought of that and my answer is yes, it is more than fair. It is fair because if you divorce me, then I will be unhappy. Is my happiness worth less than yours? If you divorce me, our children will be unhappy. Is their happiness worth less than yours? You see, you claim that this is all about my disease and how it has hurt you and the boys. This disease is a stingy and mean disease. But aren't you being just as stingy and mean by telling me that I have no worth as a husband because I have the disease?

All this means nothing in the end however, because you have demonstrated with your words and deeds that logic, while amusing, is meaningless to you. Its all about how you "feel". So let me tell you how I feel.

I love you. I love my sons. I despise my situation. I despise my disease. I need you. I need my sons. I need all four of you, EVERY DAY. I "feel" that if I lose you and my sons, I will cease to be anything but a basketcase. I "feel" that if you let a DISEASE dictate to you whether you love me or not, that you are unfair and may have never truly loved me at all. I "feel" that if this marrige and this family ends due to your impetus, that I may never be able to forgive such a shallow and callous act.

Is this truly what you want Kelly? Is this how you want our lives to be remembered by our children and grandchildren? "They sure did love us to pieces, but they couldn't stand to be together."

All this leads to my bottom line Kelly. I need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, whether we have a chance or not. And if we do, I must know SPECIFICALLY and COMPLETELY what I must do, down to the letter, to save this family from dissolution. Enough is enough with the broad statements of what I should be doing. You must tell me what you want from me. I can't be expected to read your mind anymore. I need a complete list of youe expectations and when you want them completed. You expect me to change...fine...tell me what you want me to change into.

And what do I want from you? That is very simple. I want to sit with you on a bright spring day, and watch Gabriel play baseball, holding your hand. I want to sit next to you in the office at school on a bright spring day, and listen to Caleb's teacher tell us how wonderful he's doing, holding your hand. I want to sit with you on a bright spring day, watching Noah play soccer, holding your hand.

I want to be a husband and a father. More specifically, your husband, and their father. Whether that happens or not I will always love you and I will always love them, but I will never recover from the loss of my family.



happyladychat 49F
3740 posts
2/15/2006 6:58 am

this is a very touching letter. i hope your wish for an united family come true. take care.

Make it your challenge.... turn me ON!!

hugs_4_u2 40F

2/15/2006 2:14 pm

u asked me to come here and read ur blog to find the true meaning of pain i already new it i`ve been where u`ve been. 10mths on and i still feel the pain and the emptiness i hope it all works out for u!

hugs xxxx

chocolatcreme 105F
766 posts
2/15/2006 8:30 pm

Take a step back and calm down.
Reason with yourself and if you believe you can regain
Happiness then don't give up.

Earnesty can move a mountain given time.
Good luck.

rm_nitelife989 57M
1 post
2/20/2006 2:29 am

Jon, i am asian (chinese), Christian, 10 years older than you, have 3 children and i understand your pain, anguish and anger very well for i went through nearly exactly the same thing you are going through, 5 years ago.

i just want you to know that no matter what happens to you and your family, God loves you. i say this because it has been His unrelenting love, grace and providence that has sustained me over these difficult years. believe it with all your heart, jon.

Just want to share a familiar verse i heard a pastor spoke on, in church a couple of months back. It was one i had heard many times, as i'm sure you have. but you know, that morning, i realised it's eternal glorious truth as i never had :

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For i am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:37-39

God's love is steadfast through all our trials in life. He won't let go of us. Don't let go of Him, Jon. God bless.

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