What I wanted  

rm_mangomami2 42F
415 posts
7/20/2006 8:50 pm

Last Read:
10/26/2006 9:01 pm

What I wanted

8 years old - I wanted my last name to be Livingston, I thought if that was my last name I would be rich

12 years old - I wanted my best friend to move back to my street , even if she had boobs already and I didn't ,I would forgive her for that

15 years old - I wanted my brother to stop getting high and stealing our mother's stuff to do it

16 years old - I wanted to marry Ronnie who was 17 and drove a honda with tinted windows or be a fly girl

18 years old - I wanted to never be broke , I wanted to stop being scared of every noise I heard , I wanted to move from that dinky little room and back to mami's house so she could wash my clothes

22 years old - I wanted to smother him in his sleep , I wanted to teach him what pain really felt like , I wanted to not have to raise all those kids

23 years old - I wanted to move the world , I wanted my first black belt , I wanted to let everyone know in the world that I was a force ...

25 years old - I wanted that kind of love you see in the movies , I wanted to move up not sideways in my career , I wanted to make new friends

28 years old - I wanted peace , I wanted to leave a mark somehow in this world , I wanted to stop doubting myself , I wanted to pack some heat so the next mugger who tried me would remember me

29 years old - I wanted less bullshit and more substance in my life , I wanted to call the shots in my work life , I wanted friends I didn't hate underneath it all , I wanted a man to sing to me , I wanted to know my life wasn't wasted ..

30 - I want to stay in the moment , I want to fight , I want to be honest with everyone around me , I want to have that kind of earth shattering love , I want to walk on to a mat again and hold my own , I want to skydive , I want to drive again and not be terrified , I want to know I made an impact on this world , I want to feel my emotions and not simply notice them passing by while I sit in a prolonged apathy , I want to be aware every moment I am here , I am still me even if my labels are gone , I want to reach , strive , compete , fail , work , cry and laugh , simply be human .......I want to feel alive .

Seriously_Real 49M

7/20/2006 9:55 pm

And so you are.


HBowt2 60F

7/21/2006 2:52 am

the only one that can make it happen for you is you.....

Phuc_Buddy 47M

7/21/2006 6:39 am

What I wanted....

Here and now to know the truth.

GuyWhoListens2u 57M
325 posts
7/21/2006 8:45 am

The earth shattering stuff sounds like a very nice place to be, but many times the thing we want the most eludes us as if it had a life and purpose of its own.

Even after making some big mistakes, I can't help thinking it would be nice to find someone to enjoy and share life with rather than be set up to 'learn' something new. Someone I can let my guard down totaly with and be safe, and in turn make that same kind of place for them.

That being said I am still holding out hope. The best dreams we have are possible.

rm_mangomami2 42F
364 posts
7/21/2006 8:31 pm

Seriously , Yes

HBowt - yes this I know , I never imagined I would ever be unsure of myself .....

Phuc_Buddy - what truth would you like to know ?

Guy who listens - I have never entertained the notion that something was not possible , you just always have to ask yourself instead what are you willing to do to obtain the things your heart and mind cry out for ? I think for me right at this moment I simply overwhelmed by the mundane things I used to take for granted , being so far out of my reach .

Fun -
I am still me even if my labels are gone:
" who else can you be?"

that is it right there! that is what I need to ask myself ! I need the challenge , the dare .........and give it time ...c'mon you know me better than that ! You know I want everything yesterday ! Thanks for the love sending you some right back !

jlr774 45M
157 posts
7/21/2006 8:49 pm

Long list. Conveniently, that also sounds like what
you need (welll, except maybe skydiving).
Someday someday someday, little tiny steps, one at
a time. It's maddeningly slow, and you can't see the
incremental progress, until one day you look up and
you're exactly where you want to be

florallei 100F

7/21/2006 10:03 pm

Hi Mango,

My first visit to your blog...tears are running down my face...it is so moving...YOU have come to the realization that being a human being isn't enough but be a human doing...I wish you the best journey in growth and understanding then all the mask will all be peeled away. A beautiful post.

rm_mangomami2 42F
364 posts
7/24/2006 8:08 pm

jlr- yes someday ...........

florallei- thank you , I am coming to terms that maybe this isn't the growth I would have sought out for myself but here it is , time to end the pity party and get on with it

keithcancook 61M
17930 posts
10/17/2006 11:48 pm

Wow! This is good writing. I am glad I came down here. Thank you for sharing this.

Blog On!

rm_mangomami2 42F
364 posts
10/26/2006 9:01 pm

keith - better late then never right ! thanks

Become a member to create a blog