mixed bag of jokes for 08-05-06  

rm_longliner002 51M
166 posts
8/5/2006 5:52 pm
mixed bag of jokes for 08-05-06

Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical

students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while

you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille.

Q: Did you hear about the skinny guy who went to Alaska?
A: He came home a husky fucker.
Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q: Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A: Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me you bastard!"

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,

class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!" Teacher says
"All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."

New Commandments
It's about time someone updated those commandments, so here are some suggestions...
Thou shall not stick anything larger than thine own elbow in thine ear
Thou shall not eat anything larger than thine own head
Thou shall not kill… unless thou has a good reason to do it
Thou shall watch porn movies
Thou shall have an ego smaller than that of Prince Charles
Thou shall not impersonate God, unless thou is stoned off thy ass
Thou shall not piss in the holy water
Thou shall not piss in the pool water
Thou shall not sign a contract of more than seven thousand pages
Thou shall not write a contract larger than seven thousand pages
Thou shall not fantasize about Bob the Builder
Thou shall not lick thine own asshole
Thou shall not be Communist
Thou shall not masturbate into the Fountain of Youth
Thou shall not start the fourth Reich
Thou shall not set homework
Thou shall have a surname shorter than forty-six letters
Thou shall always believe in what thy say, unless thou is wrong
Thou shall not make love to a lamp-post
Thou shall not eat a Nintendo
Thou shall not eat a Playstation (Sega’s don’t matter)
Thou shall not be flexible enough to go through thine own legs twice, backwards, without breaking thy

Thou shall listen to an entire sentence before making some disgusting comment about it
Thou shall not desecrate thine own genitalia
Thou shall not be unco
Thou shall not like any show on Comedy Central, other than South Park and Dr. Katz
Thou shall commit adultery
Thou shall hate all songs by Hanson (except maybe This Time Around)
Thou shall not create a song lasting longer than twenty-four minutes
Thou shall not bore shitless
Thou shall only install light switches smaller than the wall they are on
Thou shall consume alcohol only on special occasions, but these rules are very flexible, as Nuntas is

included on the list, the celebration of the passing from morning to afternoon. (i.e. you can just make them

Thou shall not do the Hampsterdance
Thou shall not spell hamster incorrectly, with a P
Thou shall not enter a freestyle rapping competition
Thou shall succumb to advertising
Thou shall not try to ‘show the bank’ by not paying your bill
Thou shall break out of prison, unless thou is not in jail, in which case thou shall commit a felony, then

break out of prison [Please do not take this literally]
Thou shall not be a Video Jockey (VJ)
Thou shall not market Windows XP
Thou shall not be part of a pop group
Thou shall pirate all forms of media possible
Thou shall not play Ookeymouth (This game consists of having someone spit in your mouth and trying to

say “ookeymouth” at the same time)
Thou shall not use Mad magazine as a basis for real life
Thou shall not make a pocket television that fits in a change pocket
Thou shall not stand in the street and scream “You are the weakest link. Goodbye!” in any language
Thou shall destroy anything to do with any sort of “mon”. Pokemon, Digimon… it’s all got to go.
Thou shall not chuck a psycho
Thow shall use good spelling

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