joke Alternative Condoms  

rm_longliner002 51M
166 posts
9/11/2006 9:50 am
joke Alternative Condoms

Alternative Condoms
We've all been there. You're hot to trot ... your soon-to-be-mate begs for your attentions ... your reach into that bedside cabinet and what do you find? No, beside the lube. Under the silk hanky. It's the condom box. And it's empty.
Do not fear, dear reader. We, the Van Gogh-Goghs, are here to help. You see, fivesixths of the group were at one time Boy Scouts, which means that we were expert at adapting to unexpected situations and improvising from found materials (although it also meant we didn't have much call for condoms).
Here are our suggestions for ways you can jury-rig a condom from materials you probably already have around the house:
Wax paper and Masking Tape
A kitchen klassic. Like any tube of meat packaged for sale, simply roll it up, fold the end, and tape generously to seal the juices in.
Toilet Paper Tube
One thing you'll always find in a guy's apartment - a used toilet paper roll, almost certainly sitting on the toilet paper holder. Grab the roll, wad some extra kleenex into the end, and have at it!
A Shoe
In an extreme pinch, you can always slip on a tight-fitting althetic shoe. Be sure to avoid all forms of dress shoes, especially women's shoes, as the sharp angles and intense dyes can cause discomfort.
A trash bag
This is the most complete solution. A trash bag - with leg holes cut out, worn as a baggy pair of briefs - will not only provide you with protection for basic coitus, but also provides a sealed barrier against disease for any number of other unmentionable acts! You could do anything you wanted!
And don't forget ...
Mustard, nature's spermicide. The spicier the better - the hotter the mustard, the more sperm gets killed. We recommend Beaver Hot brand mustard, for fun verbal gags that'll keep you giggling all night.

Q: What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and viagra have in common?
A: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
Q. How can you tell that Grandma's sex drive is alive and well?
A. She keeps baking those Viagra Chip Cookies!

Joke #1335. Title: Twenty reasons why chocolate is better than sex

1. You can get chocolate any time you want.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate (even in public), without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Joke #4197. Title: Top ten signs your grandparents are still sexually active

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually active ...
1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

joke #4200. Title: Be on the lookout for the following viruses

Be on the lookout for the following viruses
Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did
Saves your data but forgets where it is stored
Quits after two bytes
Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB
Deletes all old files
Disks can no longer be inserted
* TITANIC VIRUS(A strain of Lewinsky virus)
Your whole computer goes down
Everything in your computer goes Goofy
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
Only attacks minor files
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it - through Windows

Joke #4201. Title: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet - What the country is talking about

1. {The Prince of Egypt}. There was an early marketing snag. Moses wanted to be called "The Prophet Formerly Known as the Prince of Egypt."
2. {Helen and Anne). They're sick of living in the backstabbing, two faced, lying deceitful world of Hollywood. So they're moving to Washington, DC.
3. {Frank Sinatra}. It turns out the FBI kept a 1300-page file on him. They were this close to finding out about his singing.
4. {Fruitcake Jokes}. They last years longer than Viagra and Monica Lewinsky Jokes.
5. {Jack Frost}. A father dies and comes back as a cuddly snowman. The bad news is, his family moved to Miami.
6. {Kelsey Grammer}. He's worried a home sex video he made will hurt his career. He should splice it into the middle of {Down Periscope}. No one will ever see it.
7. {Shopping}. A study says going to the mall makes men's blood pressure rise. Did they administer the test in front of Victoria's Secret?
8. {Patch Adams}. Robin Williams plays a doctor who believes laughter is the best medicine. So do most HMOs.
9. {You've got Mail}. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan carry on a romance over the Internet. And we get to watch them type?
10. {Julie Andrews}. {The Sound of Music} star vows her throat problems won't keep her from singing again. It never stopped Bob Dylan.
11. {Stepmom}. Julia Roberts can't seem to get along with her new future stepchildren. What's her name, and Hey, You!
12. {Seasonal Affective Disorder}. That's what they called the Depression some people get this time of year. It used to be called, "Being Broke."
13. {A Civil Action}. John Travolta plays a lawyer who spends his life savings to help one town. Then he wakes up.
14. {Star Trek: Insurrection}. The crew of the Starship Enterprise saves the entire known universe. For the umpteemth time. Now it's Miller Time.
15. {The Faculty}. High school students suspect their teachers are from another planet. No humans would work that hard for that kind of money.

Joke #4059. Title: Diary of a blonde newlywed
Dear Diary,
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Good night, Dear Diary.
This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

Joke #3616. Title: The blonde, the brunette, and the bull
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."

Joke #3395. Title: A State Trooper pulls blonde lady driver over
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here. I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied: "Ma'am ... that's your air freshener."

Joke #4126. Title: Army roll call
It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
" -- "
" -- "
" -- "
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

Joke #4017. Title: Murphy's law at work
A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

Joke #3718. Title: Responce to 911 call
The dorbell rings and a woman opens the door.
The man who rang speaks (looking really agitated): "We are from 911, we came for the man having a heartattack, because of the burglers who got into his house and his daughter under his eyes ... This is no. 46, right?"
"This is the Johnson family, right?"
"No way! The Johnsons moved three months ago!"
"Goddammit! I hate these people! They call 911 and then they move! Darn!"

Joke #2552. Title: Sleeping with mother
Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

Joke #1316. Title: The golfer & The leprechaun

An avid golfer hits his ball into the woods. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction.
"What are you making?" asks the golfer. "It smells wonderful."
"This is a magic brew," says the leprechaun. "If you drink it, your golf game will improve remarkably, and you'll never be defeated."
"Well, then, let me have some," says the golfer.
"Have as much as you like," says the leprechaun. "But I must warn you, there is one serious side effect. It will almost certainly diminish your sexual desire."
"I can live with that," says the golfer, and gulps down a full cup.
The brew works. Just as the leprechaun predicted, the golfer defeats all challengers and within six months he's the undisputed local champion.
The golfer is delighted, and one day he goes back into the woods to thank his benefactor.
"It worked," says the golfer. "It really worked! I'm the best golfer this club has ever seen."
"Yes, but how is your sex life?" asks the leprechaun.
"Pretty good," says the golfer. "I've had sex three or four times in the past six months."
"That doesn't sound so great to me," says the leprechaun.
"Actually," says the golfer, "it's not so bad at all for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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