a few more jokes  

rm_longliner002 51M
166 posts
8/8/2006 6:14 pm
a few more jokes

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing
service on TV. The evangelist called to all who
wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one
hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part
where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up
and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand
on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder
that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his
right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just
don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the
sick, not to raise the dead."

Post Office
There was a man who worked for the Post Office...
whose job it was to process all the mail that had
illegible addresses .One day, a letter came addressed
in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should
open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small
pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had
$100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I
had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without
that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have
no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can
you please help me? Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter
to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her
wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he
made the rounds,he had collected $96, which they
put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest
of the day,all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later,another
letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers
gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did
for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a
glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice
day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. It must have been
those thieving pricks at the Post Office.
Sincerely, Edna

Kinky
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at
a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the
woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in
bed," she replied.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the
man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that
they have so much in common they decide to go
back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.
When they get to her house she turns to the man and
says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into
something more comfortable." She goes into the
bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black
dominatrix outfit.
However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the
man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted
to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your
dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."

Sperm
Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina,
"I think I'm going to see a dietician."
Nina asked, "Why?"
Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for
all, how many calories there are in sperm."
Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you’re
swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if
you’re a little chunky."

Med School
First-year students at Med School were receiving
their first Anatomy class with a real dead human
body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet. The
professor started the class by telling them: "In
medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important
qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be
disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it
and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do
the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of
the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had
finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I
stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index
finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Ice Cream
An elderly couple decides to get some ice cream.
The old man opts to go alone and asks his wife what
she wants. “I want a banana split,” she says. “Are
you going to remember this, or should I write it down?”
“No, no, I’m sure I can remember,” the old man replies.
“I also want chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry with
whipped cream and sprinkles. You sure you’re going
to remember all this?”
“Yeah yeah, I’m not that old,” exclaims the
increasingly agitated husband.
“And don’t forget the cherry on top,” says the wife.
The old man leaves for the ice cream and returns
three hours later with a bag of bagels.
His wife, looking confused, surveys the order and
exclaims, “So where the hell is my cream cheese?”


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