WATCH OUT... It's coming...  

rm_loneremily 34F
380 posts
8/7/2006 10:22 pm

Last Read:
8/12/2006 12:16 pm

WATCH OUT... It's coming...

I feel it. It's coming. Depression rears its dispicable head!

I know many have been reading my blogs and feel that I'm a great person. I've felt great... Lately.

It's not the REAL me. The real me is sad. Lonely. I don't fit in. I always feel ugly. The world turns black.

Here it comes. It started today. But it didn't REALLY start, today.

It always happens like this; everything is fantastic. Everyday is fun and beautiful.

Then--without my realizing--things get... Placid. Mundane. Fun things turn boring.

Then comes the downward spiral. In these times--I rarely want to get out of bed. I want to die--manage to tell myself that everyone around me would rather I be dead... I start to fantasize about ways to die.

I've tried six times in the past.

First by pills. I got caught. Then, I tried falling head first out of a tree onto rocks... That just really hurt (my big, thick skull). Then, I tried eating an uncooked chicken sandwich. Gross. Then, I tried eating an uncooked hamburger... I didn't even get sick (stupid, GOOD immune system). I tried drowning myself in my pool--tied twine onto a brick attached to my ankle--then I jumped in. That was terrifying. My brain said, "deal with it" but my body wouldn't listen and I managed--after a few minutes under water-- to free the brick that wasn't tied as tightly as my ankle was. Number six was back to pills. This time I used the right kind... But I didn't know how long they needed to work--I left a note--but I wasn't yet dead--so I was saved. I slightly damaged my liver in the process.

The last time I felt this way I like to say didn't count because I was in a lot of pain. Pain makes you go crazy. I carved +/- into my thigh to symbolize choices; pros and cons. The scar is still there.

I don't want to fall down that way, again. I'm all alone, this time. My man is gone--he helped the last few times this happened. Tucked me into bed--made me potatoes (my personal comfort food)--told me I was needed and wanted.

I know what I have to do... As soon as my insurance card comes I have to high-tail it over to the pharmacy to refill my prescription. It's good until 2007. Thankfully.

Find a new doctor. You have to go to get prescriptions. It's worth it, though.

This can't happen, now. Not while I'm by myself. Knives are tempting... I don't want to cut, anymore.

I don't want the old Emily back. I like the happy Emily. So does everybody else!

Gossip_Anyone 42F

8/8/2006 2:56 am

wow. it was just my silly rx i tried win?!

Gossip_Anyone 42F

8/8/2006 2:56 am

damn girl ill give u my cell number! call it next time silly goose!

bigandtallreturn 38M

8/8/2006 5:14 am

It's not the REAL me. The real me is sad. Lonely. I don't fit in. I always feel ugly. The world turns black.

Oh dear... I've been there before.

I'm sure there's nothing I can say that can help, but yes, we prefer the happy Emily. Hell, I've only read your blog for the first time this morning and I already prefer the happy Emily. Anything compared to what's going on now.

"Today may be the first day of the rest of your life, unless you live on the other side of the International Date Line, then yesterday was the first day of the rest of your life."- Larry Andersen

huggablemike1978 39M
6 posts
8/8/2006 6:15 am

Hey Emily,

I used to work in a call center for mental health patients for an insurance company. If you need someone to talk to, just let me know. I have some actual experience with it.

I've been down the road to depression many many times before as well, you've gone through a lot, and I can see some possible reasoning for what's going on. Honestly and truely, I'm here to help. shoot me an email and I'll lend an ear.

hypnopsychdude 32M
7 posts
8/8/2006 7:28 am

I study psychology as well as suicide and the best advice I can give you is get help now! The earlier you start, the better off you will be and the quicker the recovery. The meds are good but perhaps consider going to therapy as well, as there may be things in your life which are causing the onset of the depression. Depression is chemical but things that happen in live can change the brain chemistry. As for the suicidal thoughts, all the more reason you should get in touch with someone. If they get bad call 1-800-SUICIDE for help! Also, if you have a friend or loved one you trust, contract with them that you will not do it.

I wish I could help you more than that but therapy online would be unethical (plus I haven't finished my training) but I do urge you to look into it. I really think that it can help.

ZZ_Todd 60M

8/8/2006 9:55 am

You're not as alone in this as you might think. I was diagnosed bi-polar about 15 years ago. Some days are bad, but fortunately, most days are better.

IsThisBetter4u 107M

8/8/2006 11:24 am

I just met you not so long ago and I'd hate to see anything bad happen to you. I've been there scares me to think of it son would never have been born...the greatest contribution I've ever made. The real you is a gem. Your mind is a gift that you share with so many. And so many love you for it. You can email or Skype my whenerver you want. I'll even send you potatoes.

rm_aranayd 47M
2014 posts
8/8/2006 2:45 pm

Well, you know that you can call me any time you want, right? I will do everything in my power to cheer you up and make you feel better. Don't be alone, call. Suicide is never worth it. Besides, even dark thoughts can't undo the three bright spots in your life. When you get like this, cuddle your kids. If they can't make you feel wanted and needed, nobody can.

And, if you think about it, you DO have something to look forward to. At least I'M looking forward to it. *giggles*

CALL ME IF YOU FEEL LIKE DOING SOMETHING DUMB. Or, call if you just want to.

rm_loneremily 34F
328 posts
8/8/2006 4:53 pm

You are all so nice!!! Don't worry... Remember how I mentioned I can't get pills without seeing a doctor? That means that I will seek therapy. I just can't right this second. I can within a week, though. All is well.

Choozmi 51M

8/8/2006 6:36 pm

I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

rm_Lloydthomas 68M

8/9/2006 9:32 pm

I do know what it is like to feel the deep emptiness. I also know what it is to not want to live. I have survived so many things. One of the things I do now, besides taking better care of myself, is to be there for others who don't know if they can stand the pain. Get some real help. By that I mean a group where you can actually tallk face to face and get hugs. For me that is a 12 step recovery program.
Thank you for sharing your pain. The world is lonely enough.

rm_jd29992z 55M
3888 posts
8/11/2006 1:07 pm

The night i always darkest before the dawn. I feel your pain but the reasons to live are much greater then not. I alway think what is tomorrow going to be like? The next turn the next sunset. Look at the simple things in life the rose blooming, a wonderful sun rise, the sound of the ocean hitting the beach filling all that is around it. There are too many to mention bet they are all worth it. Look up it goes forever the stars the sky. Later girl JD

somethingelse40 76M
14676 posts
8/11/2006 3:58 pm

Your depression is making me sick. I know the feeling but for God's sake I'm trying to forget it. Why does shit always happen at the wrong time? Salvage what you can and live with it. Take control of your health and your destiny. I know it's none of my business, but it is yours.

somethingelse40 76M
14676 posts
8/11/2006 4:13 pm

Your depression is making me sick. I know the feeling but for God's sake I'm trying to forget it. Why does trouble always come at the wrong time? Salvage what you can and live with it. Take control of your health and your destiny. I know it's none of my business, but it is yours.

Gossip_Anyone 42F

8/12/2006 4:27 am

who is that asshole before me? ohhh just ignore him. Everyone in their life thinks of suicide at least once in their life. for me it was alot, but after i found out it was all hormonal and NOT psychological, it did make sense to me. And I've yet to think about suicide since my shots. If you ever notice that the depression comes in cycles per month, you may go get your hormones tests and see if the levels are off kilter

rm_loneremily 34F
328 posts
8/12/2006 12:16 pm

I've researched my ailment thoroughly. MY feelings are like a mirage my brain creates by not reading those "happy" seratonin messages in the neurotransmitter binding sites.

When I think about what it is, it helps a lot. Being around others helps a lot, too.

And the person before you was, in a strange way, I think trying to be helpful.

Duly noted... But mine (depression) goes and comes more by the calendar year than by my cycle.

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