Well, Here I Am Again  

rm_kymlee3 44F
71 posts
2/19/2006 2:22 pm

Last Read:
3/16/2006 1:48 am

Well, Here I Am Again


Well, here I am again writing yet another of my life's pitiful chapters. Why do I feel like the worlds biggest doormat? I try to be a good person and it just seems to keep blowing up in my face. I got back together with the guy that I was dating before and guess what, he did it again. He decided that we needed a break. I think that it is pretty funny considering that I had a few suspicions and they were confirmed for me after he broke up with me again. Things have been really rough for me and he didn't make it any easier by doing what he did. And I thought that this was going to be my year!

Here it is...I finally got divorced just over 3 weeks ago. I had to take some extreme measures to get it done, but it's over...or so I thought. Before the divorce proceedings, I had to get an order of protection against my now ex-husband. He had been harassing me to no end and I just wanted the divorce over so that I could finally move on. Well, since he was harassing me (and that is a long story in and of itself, so I won't bore you with the details today) I decided to protect myself and get an emergency order of protection. Well, about a week later, the divorce was final. I had to go back to court to get an extended order, and guess what. Yeah, he decided to contest it. I guess he doesn't want to totally abide by the divorce decree of no harassment which is only court enforced, not police enforced. Anyway, I now have to go back to court, this time with a lawyer on my side, to seek an extension on the order. Will it never end? I mean, I had a crummy year last year and this should be my time.

Anyway, I am so new to the whole dating thing and the guy that I was seeing is bringing his new conquests to the bar that I usually hang out in. How crummy is that? I even asked him (while I was drunk...big mistake) if he could stand seeing me with someone else and he said yes. That was a big mistake on his part, because he just reconfirmed that he already was seeing someone else and he thought that it would be okay to bring her to the bar. I already know how everyone there feels about it, and they aren't too happy with him, but that is his problem. I guess that I will just have to find a new place to hang out. I hate that I feel this way. I am not a drinker, but I was bound and determined that night to get drunk...very out of character for me. He was concerned about me, but I could tell that he was also annoyed, which my evil side enjoyed. I just wish that he would have been honest with me from the start. He tells me that he never second guesses himself, and others have confirmed that, but for whatever reason, he keeps doing it with me. This time, I'm not going to make it so easy for him to come back, if that is what he decides. I think that he got scared and an opportunity for something else presented itself and he jumped at the chance. He was very honest with me until this last time and I don't appreciate liars. I even told him that he lied to me and he stared straight at me and denied it! I was so angry with him for that, that I almost did something really stupid that night, but my common sense kicked in and I didn't.

I guess that I just can't figure men out. I don't know if I want to even try to get into another relationship ever! I'm getting older and I don't know that I will ever be comfortable enough with someone to have a relationship. My trust is really wearing thin and I just don't know how to get out and date anymore. I'm not easy and I know that some people are intimidated by me whether it be because I am smart and I'm not afraid to hide it or because they think that I am unapproachable. I have been told that by several people that when they see me, they want to talk to me, but are afraid to because I am not what they would consider a barfly, but then I'm not anti-social either. Some guys say that they would like to get to know me...nice pick-up line. I know that I seem like a challenge to most guys and I like that. It just means that they have to be man enough to realize that not all women are easy. I know that I'm not and I'm not going to be either because that would compromise who I am. Is that so wrong? I mean, I would hope that there would be some values left in this world. But, there I am up on the cross again. I am not by any means perfect and I don't expect others to be either, just honest. But that is a hard quality to come across too. Why? Maybe it's this place or just that I have been hurt so many times that I can't think straight. I am tired of being hurt and I think that maybe I should just have some fun and quit thinking about a relationship ever. At the rate I'm going, kids are not going to be a possibility ever. No, I don't have any and I don't think that I want any...ever.

See, I am somewhat of an idealist. I want to be in a relationship with someone for a couple of years and then married to them for a couple of years and then have kids. That was the track I was on until my ex fouled them up. We were together for 3 years before we got married and then when it was time to start thinking of starting a family, it never happened. Too many things started getting in the way, like his life that didn't include me. So, the end result? I am another statistic of divorce. I just spent the last 9 years in a relationship and I don't know where to go now. I feel like I am in limbo and I don't know that I will ever see the light. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I hope that I will get out of this funk and find a little more happiness. That's all that I need right now. I am usually happy in a relationship when the other person is involved in it too, but that doesn't seem to happen too often anymore. I'm not sure if I am being too hard on myself or not hard enough. I have some goals both with work and my life, but I can't seem to reach either one.

I have been trying to find a new job, one that would be a little more conducive to have a social life, but I keep getting turned down as over qualified or not qualified enough. This really does not help my self esteem at all. It makes me feel that I am destined to be stuck where I am. I hate that. I know that I am an intelligent person, but I feel like I am just hitting my head against a brick wall. I don't really want to relocate right now, especially since my mom needs me so much since my dad died. I am in a catch 22. I just wish that there was some way out of these doldrums that I am in and that I could find the answers a little faster. I hate myself for feeling like this which then makes me just hate myself and makes me think that I am just worthless to anyone. I know that you all were hoping that this post would be a little more upbeat, but I am having some trouble finding some sunshine in my life. If anyone has any suggestions, I would really love to hear them. I am at my wits end! Sometimes I don't know if I am coming or going and that really sucks. I feel like I have no direction other than to be a doormat and I really don't like being one.

So, here I am at the end of my thoughts, which are still really jumbled. Where do I go from here? Should I cut my hair and get a makeover? I really like my hair and I hate to cut it and I don't really think that would solve my problems either. Should I lose weight? I have already lost 2 waist sizes and lately I haven't been eating...not too good of an idea. Should I try loosening up and have a few more drinks once in a while? Unfortunately I have little tolerance for alcohol since I rarely drink and I'm afraid of compromising my morals if I get a little too drunk. Is sex the only thing that is out there? I hope not, because I enjoy sex, but I can do without too, especially with all the uncertainties out there now. So, any suggestions? I really need some input. I am stuck in a bad rut and there is no end in sight.

I'm sorry for going on this way, but if you read all the way through this, thanks. I mean it. Take care and hopefully my next blog will be a little more upbeat.

byte22880 37M

2/20/2006 6:13 pm

Welcome back, wish it was under better circumstances. *HUG*


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