sleep..or lack of  

rm_ksguy00 57M
4 posts
1/21/2006 7:16 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

sleep..or lack of


I don't sleep anymore. I don't work anymore. I have no income anymore. I have no real purpose for this blog anymore. Except to type up some ramblings. I just cannot see past the screen that sits in front of me anymore. I am totally petrified about moving from my little living area. I am ashamed of myself. Ashamed of being the person that sits in this chair. Ashamed of what has happened in my life in the last 2 years. Ashamed to even meet up with someone, cuz I've already judged myself as not being what they want, what they were hoping for. Even though that last line should include 'what about what I want'? I step outside only to panic about what will happen to me next. I used to not focus on the negatives. I reflect back on the last 10 years, and cannot believe what I've become. I haven't slept for any countable period of time. I take every type of sedation that can be tried. I get sleepy, then my body says, 'no, you must stay awake'. What has me so possessed? I ... I even looked seriously at the suicide sites last night..And the only one I found that looked like it might be able to help was overseas somewhere. I fear that someone will find out where I live via caller id that I am ashamed to even try to call. I sit here with pills in view..wondering what will happen without me being in the world..I figure the world is populated enough that as a whole, it won't have any trouble subtracting me from the statistics. But in the more immediate, I would probably .... but would I?... hurt the emotions of those that think I'm doing ok. I just cannot focus on any one thing, tho I know it's what I should do...taking one thing at a time..but then..prioritizing..ashamed to admit that I can't even do that.
Ashamed..shame on me for being ashamed...

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