Email from a comedian  

rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
7028 posts
7/13/2006 1:47 pm

Last Read:
7/18/2006 10:54 am

Email from a comedian

Just as I was drawing a blank on writing anything, this guy sends me the funniest email! There is a goddess ...

Now, to start with, he had the most endearing and attractive subject line to catch my attention:

hey you

Now that's something to just send a girl's heart to fluttering ...

Hey there sexy! Babe let me tell you something, if that is really you in that picture, I do not see how any man or women could deny you and definitely not to give it to you the way you like it! So Whats up girl?

At this point, I'd like to point out the creative use of capital letters. You'll notice this throughout his message. Does anyone know what part of the country teaches this style of writing?

So how about a bottle of wine or champagne and me and you get together tonight?

Oh, be still my heart! How wonderful that I don't have to wait another day to meet this man! This passage, of course, alerts me to how well he has read my profile. You know, the profile that says, not looking for men, but prefer men older than I am, and I only accept email from those who I know from my blog. Obviously, the post I made last week about being paranoid as hell about meeting strangers didn't make much of an impression ...

But first May I ask you some questions? What turns you on? what turns you off? If you and I were to meet, what would you like to do? And can you keep a secert?

As I said, such creative use of capital letters ... and spell check, too! But the questions are sweet ... he is thinking of me ... although such questions could have been answered by reading my profile ... and further enlightenment could possibly come from reading my blog ... but, who am I to nit pick?

You see most guys don't realize this but women would love for us just to ask "What do you Like"?

And you're telling me this because ... you think this is a revelation to me? Check the age on my profile again. I'm older than 14!

Or Does this feel good to you? How about this? By me asking you some question doesn't make me non-experienced, because I'm going to make it do what it do! Also it will Help our first Session to Flow WET AS A River!

Does what feel good to me? First you tell me that you know what women want, then you ask if you're correct? Yes, I can see that you are "not non-experienced" (huh?) and I do enjoy the ebonics grammar lesson - and the capital letters ... and wow, I feel myself getting wetter the more I read! Or is that my period starting?

So what do say about us toasting to a new adventure together, hopefully tonight, a real good night cap? That's what your body is yelling for, so what do you have to loose?

Lose, or loose ...??? Right now I feel like loosing the gods of war, and guess where? Uh ... my sanity? If you talk at all like you write, I'd be tempted to strangle you within the first 10 minutes of meeting you. And if you're anywhere near as arrogant as you sound here, it might be 5 minutes. Either that or I'd be trying to drive a swizzle stick through my brain. As to what my body is yelling for ... more on that a little later.

If I'm ugly and you ain't feeling me, well at least you got some free drink(Ha,Ha) just one??? hell, he's a cheap bastard, to boot! and send me on my way, but believe me if I wasn't confident about myself or how I look then I wouldn't want you to see me either! I'm not saying we meet and fuck like there's no tomorrow!

Wait, first he's going to give me what my body's yelling for, then he says that we don't have to fuck ... why am I having visions of him buying me a glass of cheap champagne and then saying that I owe him a fuck and getting nasty about it?

Well at least read my profile and then I'll be hearing from you, hopefully? I have some pics but for some reason I can't attached them to this?
Your New Fun Toy

He can't attach a pic to his email? Shit, and just when I was convinced I'd landed a rocket scientist! Hmmmm ... toy? Any of you dommes out there have some equipment I can borrow? I have all sorts of images running through my head about the games I could play with my New Fun Toy ...

Now, here's where it gets good ...

------ Profile Attached -------

I'm a Account Executive who doesn't have time to go out and meet women.

Oh, good goddess, he could be one of the junior jerks in my office. Like the one I had to pull into the coffee room one day and tell him that if I ever heard him make an inappropriate remark about a woman again, I'd fire him so quick he'd be going down the elevator shaft before the elevator arrived.

I live in Denver, CO & it definitely has to be God's Favorite part of the country, it's very beautiful & very laid back. I'm 28 years old so much for the part of my profile that says I prefer men "considerably older" than myself ... & what I'm looking for is a very discreet, and what does your wife think about this? no strings attached Sexual Encounter(I want to fuck!). I Love women and I Love to please women! I'm very Athletic, I'm 6'2" with a huge dick!

And if there was anything else he said that might have been attractive, in this entire pile of puke, THAT would have been the deal killer. You throw your huge dick out on the table, and I'm likely to think it's a snake and beat it to death with the napkin holder. Why, oh why, do guys think that having a big dick is going to make me swoon? That isn't the way my fright and flight reflex works.

And I know how to use it to make you CUM harder than you ever imagined. But before I Sling my Dick, over his shoulder? I Love to have Foreplay until that Pussy is dripping wet and right before you are ready to Burst, Then I insert my Chocolate Stick into your Hot Box! Now if this is what you are yearning for then contact me and I will Definitely Handle That There!

*big sigh* Burst is what I'm afraid of if I let you within 5 feet of me with that thing (assuming of course, that he's measuring with inches instead of millimeters).

fantasylover_05 63M

7/13/2006 2:02 pm

So I Take it you Didn't like My Email and we aren't on for Tonight? LOL LOL LOL LOL

I am just astonished (opps that is kind of a big word lol ) that you are not just dripping wet and dying to get ahold of that one!! LOL LOL

Sorry Beautiful... I will refrain from emailing you like that again! LOL LOL LOL

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 6:48 pm:
Hon, as much of a gentleman as you are, I can't imagine you emailing anyone and offending them.

PurplePeach72 45F  
9199 posts
7/13/2006 2:06 pm

Well the walk of shame never ends. Sorry Kelli, hate you got stuck with this one. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better mail day...if not at least you have blogging


rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 6:49 pm:
Hell, I haven't had one this good in a long time ...

rm_smosmof2 68M
3240 posts
7/13/2006 2:07 pm

"and wow, I feel myself getting wetter the more I read! Or is that my period starting?"

If you're getting wet, it's got to be your period... or maybe you're just laughing so hard you're pissing on yourself....

Can I state that this is a) the kind of guy that makes me ashamed of my gender, and b) so bad it's almost (I say almost) funny. He can't be serious can he (Strike that question, I know better than that. We've got a couple of guys posting here that are almost that bad on a recurring of whom you actually slapped down recently. I have to admit I stood up and cheered when I read that...)

Please forgive my creative use of punctuation. I think it shows my wheels grinding..... besides, I think that my writing style sounds a lot like the way I talk (nonstop?).

Pay no attention to the man in the parentheses....

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 6:50 pm:

endowed_4_fun 43M
113 posts
7/13/2006 2:42 pm

LOL! Thank you for posting that. Comedy gold!

caressmewell 54F

7/13/2006 2:50 pm

Yes, I can see that you are "not non-experienced" (huh?) and I do enjoy the ebonics grammar lesson - and the capital letters ... and wow, I feel myself getting wetter the more I read! Or is that my period starting?

I damn near wet my pants laughing at your remark. Oh girlfriend...that was good!

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 6:51 pm:

HoopsPhymaUreal 42M
153 posts
7/13/2006 3:36 pm

What is Up with the Use of Randomly capatalized Words?

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 6:52 pm:
At first I thought maybe it was a German influence, you know, capitalizing the nouns, but you're right, it's entirely random.

frbnkslady 49F
6183 posts
7/13/2006 3:46 pm

ROFLMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.. OH thank you.. I SOOOOOOO needed this laugh.. Caress send me over to find one. or is that my period starting? T


rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 6:54 pm:
Thanks for stopping by.

bipolybabe 56F

7/13/2006 4:06 pm

We interrupt your sarcasm to let you and your readers know about FREE sexual pleasure.

All you need to do it go and vote for bipolybabe



at [post 419109].

Amber's offer of Tsk the title of this should have been wronged for the person who rounds up the most votes for us will be unnecessary when you read how wonderful is the superbrothel we've created at:

[post 418796]

Now, please return to your consideration of what dicks men are...unless you'd rather that we lick you all over!



Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 6:41 pm:
Oh, hon, I have to abstain on this one. Too many friends competing with each other.

bipolybabe 56F

7/13/2006 4:07 pm

You are also welcome to write a blog letting people know that they can go vote for the The Tiny Vagin-y House of Fun Repute!



Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

eveready06 43M

7/13/2006 4:28 pm

What every girl wants to hear I'm sure!! Lmao I'm married and want to shag anything that moves, Im vain, I'm oh so fuckin funny I think, oh and I swallowed a text book on what women want and still havn't got a clue lol!

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 6:55 pm:
I think you've captured the essence very well!

JuicyBBW1001 56F

7/13/2006 4:38 pm

That is funny. I think you need an assistant to wade thru the bullshit. Or you could just come to Florida and meet my friend Jeff. He's older wiser very well endowed and would treat you like a princess.


rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 6:57 pm:
Sounds like you should keep him. The "well endowed" part I can do without. I'll graciously donate all of those to women who can handle it.

rm_abutoo2 45M
1078 posts
7/13/2006 4:50 pm

mmmm... so? wanna go out sometime? lol... you can buy me a drink and I'll decide if you're pretty enough for me

just out of curiosity, what was the inappropriate remark from the clerk?

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 7:00 pm:
Not a clerk - a supposed professional with a degree. He told one of his buddies "I'd like to get me a piece of that". Either he said it louder than he intended, or my ears are better ... The piece he got wasn't the one he had in mind ...

RevJoseyWales 70M/67F
14393 posts
7/13/2006 5:12 pm

And you write better stuff than he does! Sad thing is, he was SERIOUS. Yep, I guess some men ARE just that dumb. I like him tho'. Makes me look good in comparison. I'll take all the help I can get. How was your trip Kel? Joe

"McVeigh had the right idea, wrong address."

"This ain't Dodge City, and you ain't Bill Hickok."

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 7:01 pm:
I had a great weekend, Uncle Joe.

ella1966 51F
1528 posts
7/13/2006 5:15 pm

Absolutely brilliant response... but I am lucky if I get that much email from a guy who wants to fuck me, perhaps Australian men are not so gifted with the BS as American men, but I will have to remember than line everytime a guy asks now I'm if wet... "I don't know if I am wet, it could just be my period!" ROFLMAO! ella X

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 9:08 pm:
Most American men aren't this gifted either ... see the comment below yours.

TheCliticals 36F/F

7/13/2006 5:17 pm

Somewhere out there a village is missing its idiot. They should thank you for finding him for them.

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 7:01 pm:

JudeL5 47M  
1595 posts
7/13/2006 5:35 pm a never ending source of blog material...

He probably spent HOURS writing that.... painstakingly labouring over each word to communicate just the right feeling, emotion, and subtle nuance... just for you... or he cut and pasted it from a web site he found

mickdevil 51M/53F
3496 posts
7/13/2006 5:49 pm

why!oh why! oh why! lmao

Every day I read this in blogs,in chat, how much woman get annoyed with morons like that!
Do they read?Or are they to self centered?why do they think when they say they have a big dick it makes up for all their short comings.

sorry you must get this bullshit everyday god that delete button is great

Mick & Devil FWB
click me

Just Living Life

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 9:07 pm:
Oh, not every day ... a message like this is a rare treat ... thank god!

tootsiedippin 54M/54F
1078 posts
7/13/2006 6:19 pm

DeAr hOttiE,

you Be the Hotties of chicks
aNd deServe the best of my Licks
so pour dE champagne
as we can gO inSane
and We toast the night for kiCks

OoO I just looseed it and fell out of my chair on the "wet" comment. That is a Hall of Famer...Can... I qoute you on that oNe?


rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 7:11 pm:

rm_bk2nrml 58M

7/13/2006 8:05 pm

daaaaaaamn !! im surprised you didnt send him one of those terse replies that youve posted here before. thats all i could think about. i was really looking forward to reading it. it never ceases to amaze me how full of themselves some people are.


rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 8:27 pm:
I haven't answered him. Think I should send him a link to this blog?

rm_macallan4u 47M
968 posts
7/13/2006 8:37 pm

Hey I put a lot Of work into That email dangnamit!
Actually , I think you have it all wrong. You just don't understand his prose. You see when he says.: Whats up girl" with a capital, he is making a reference to Bugs Bunny, hence showing you he is cultured. next, when he capitalizes "May I ask you' he is simply referring to the month and how beautiful things bloom in May, just as you must. Thirdly "Does this feel good to you" is capitalized because he is asking it in a biblical sense, just as he would like you to Know him... Perhaps K, you are just not enlightened enough to fully appreciate an Artiste when one is in front of you

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 9:04 pm:
I just have no taste. I probably would have flunked Art History if I hadn't laid the prof.

rm_bk2nrml 58M

7/13/2006 9:01 pm

    Quoting rm_bk2nrml:
    daaaaaaamn !! im surprised you didnt send him one of those terse replies that youve posted here before. thats all i could think about. i was really looking forward to reading it. it never ceases to amaze me how full of themselves some people are.

now, thats the kelli we all know and love !!!


gotttathegoods 49M
8 posts
7/13/2006 9:34 pm

What a catch! To be courted by such ignorance with poor taste and an inferiority complex as encore... This is lucky for us who still dreamer we might catch your eye... Frankly though, I was most surprised to learn that the junior execs at your work are equally moronic .

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/13/2006 11:32 pm:
There's a reason I like older men ...

TheCliticals 36F/F

7/14/2006 12:17 am

"I Love to have Foreplay until that Pussy is dripping we"

Dont you love being depersonalised until theres nothing left but "that Pussy" ?


rm_pleasuresex3 53M
520 posts
7/14/2006 12:35 am

It's good to start the day with a cup of coffee and a smile and a chuckle. Thanks.

funintheday2006 57M
9659 posts
7/14/2006 1:19 am

Kelli, you are a fucking diamond girl!!
Can you inform your new beau that I am the only fucking comedian around here, if I need help with my emails I'll ask
So, anyway, is it a date or what? You never did reply

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/17/2006 9:56 am:
You asked me for a date? I always ask for a permission slip from the wife before I play with married men ...

curious082385 32F
4925 posts
7/14/2006 2:56 am

Oh please tell me that you sent that back to him!

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/14/2006 7:07 am:
Before I went to bed last night, I sent him the link to this post ...

free2chose2 67F

7/14/2006 4:06 am

He gives new meaning to "Dumb and dumber"-I would have peed myself-but that's my next blog

Don't worry, be Happy

cuteNEway 42F

7/14/2006 6:19 am

Oh GOD that was AWFUL! In NY this would be the guy that will take you to some cheesy lounge (during the 2 for 1 happy hour) that plays nothing but hip-hop and reggaeton music. He'll be "all up on yo Shit" instead of trying to actually dance. When he >>suppresses giggle<< "talks" to you it will sound like he's reading the liner notes of a 50cent CD...aaahhh yeah and that whole huge dick that he "knows How to use"...good thing he does otherwise he'd probly run around with a big ol piss stain on his pants!

What a Jerk!

tee hee

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/14/2006 7:07 am:
Well, he is new in Denver ... did you run him out of town in NY?

RevJoseyWales 70M/67F
14393 posts
7/14/2006 9:40 am

Yeah, send him the link. He deserves it. Glad it was a fun trip. Uncle Joe

"McVeigh had the right idea, wrong address."

"This ain't Dodge City, and you ain't Bill Hickok."

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/14/2006 12:58 pm:
I did. No response yet, though.

electriccompany 54M

7/14/2006 10:26 am

You're saying a few swigs of Wild Irish Rose isn't the key to that lockbox?

Thanks, Kelli. I needed a chuckle and a little glimmer of hope that I might be smoother than average!

rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
7/14/2006 2:09 pm

Chocolate Stick into your Hot Box isnt that the new taste treat from Hostess?

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/14/2006 5:18 pm:
Do I put it in the microwave to heat it up?

f00916122670892 61M
4 posts
7/14/2006 3:21 pm

Here's a blanck one 4 U

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/14/2006 5:17 pm:
jdiwlnvbo epsaods as;fisi gkdhyx ssd'gei fakf


rjmaggie 51M
730 posts
7/14/2006 3:30 pm

God, I love sarcasm! Thanks for the laugh. Stupidity and arrogance - a deadly combination!

Thanks for sharing and pointing out what NOT to say in an email. I'll think of your "tips" whenever writing.

CO_RoadKing 55
1 post
7/14/2006 3:49 pm

Reading that was the high-light of my busy day. I just couldn't stop laughing! I needed a good laugh to kick off my weekend!

I just pictured this Guy in a 1950's Smoking Jacket holding a Martini Glass, making his pitch to you! It was priceless, as was your running commentary.

Keep up the good work, and never let your standards slip!

EroticaXTC 51F

7/14/2006 4:22 pm

"Or is that my period starting?"
"and I do enjoy the ebonics grammar lesson -"
"You throw your huge dick out on the table, and I'm likely to think it's a snake and beat it to death with the napkin holder."

"over his shoulder? "

This is platinum kellidew

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/14/2006 5:20 pm:
I don't often get such 'good' material to work with ...

rm_Twister2bed 48M
617 posts
7/14/2006 5:01 pm

Hmm and this shows why I never email anyone LOL

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/14/2006 5:16 pm:
Pick your best poems and send them - you'll get responses.

MissAnnThrope 57F
11488 posts
7/14/2006 8:44 pm

The worst part is, that was definitely a form letter and he doesn't even have the common sense to run a spell check before sending it out!

The arrogance and stupidity of the n00bs on this site never ceases to amaze me. This was definitely one of the better ones. Why can't I get mail like this?

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/14/2006 8:55 pm:
It was just too good to delete ...

I sent him the link to this post as a reply. He wrote back and said he didn't mean any harm ...

2943 posts
7/14/2006 10:09 pm

Lol...this is the best break-down of an email ever!
The good thing about it is that it does make for free entertainment for the rest of us!

Thanks for sharing that!



rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/15/2006 9:07 am:
Late last night I figured out who you were ranting about on your blog. I agree, it will be the last time he spams me. Hugs, sis.

blueguy1051 61M

7/14/2006 10:27 pm

You ladies shouldn't be so quick to pull the trigger. You might have missed out on your one chance for true happiness.

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/15/2006 9:05 am:
I'll take my chances ... ?*

JazzDlight 60F

7/15/2006 4:09 am

Seems these type of men are everywhere on this site as we all know. I was contacted by a 25 yr. old guy the other day saying how he wants to meet me because we have so much in common! Now I am 49 what the hell could we have in common since I am older enough to be his momma. LMAO and WTF. He did not read my profile because if he did he would have saw that I would not meet anyone younger than 35 plus he had no photo.

Thanks for the giggle, men they just don't get it! Also, thanks for keeping things real and for making me laugh. Hugs, Jazz

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/15/2006 9:03 am:
I'm 30. Do you know how offensive it is to get mail from those wanting to experiment with "an older woman"?

waterdragon67 65M

7/15/2006 5:53 am

Just bored and i read this blog

And why is it unusual??

Gee i thought that ladies would LOVE such mmm well thought out heartfelt plea to you.

AND then he wonders why he does not get any takers hummmmmmmmm

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/15/2006 9:04 am:
He has a blog????????

rm_boatstorm 55F

7/17/2006 7:32 am

Thank you for brightening a boring Monday afternoon. Your asides are so alive I am still laughing.
Dippins comment also cracked me up.
I too have had enough of the cut and paste, scatter gun, unimaginative little boys.

Boatstorm x

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/17/2006 10:00 am:
It shouldn't be that hard to write a polite, interesting intro letter, but ...

StaynHardnHot 43M
305 posts
7/18/2006 2:40 am

...not that i'm ever perfect on any given day...but sometimes it amazes and saddens me that i am the same gender as these buffoons...its the same reason why i cringe when i go out and see how these cavemen act towards women in person...simply amazing..

funintheday2006 57M
9659 posts
7/18/2006 5:31 am

Hang on Ill get her:
"Wife, Kelli said can she shag me"

Kel, wife said it's ok

rm_kelli4u2dew replies on 7/18/2006 10:53 am:
No, no, no ... I said a permission slip from your wife, not a bullshit line from you. And while she's at it, have her send me a pic and contact info ... maybe she and I can get together and talk about your short comings while we play ...

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