HAppy Birthday......for her  

rm_gorilla062 51M
163 posts
7/13/2006 7:55 am

Last Read:
7/14/2006 10:05 am

HAppy Birthday......for her

Today is the day! A happy birthday to my little girl! she is now 12 and it should be a great day for her.
With this day my mind and body is being wrecked with the joy of her day as well as the pain I feel for not being able to be with her...I walk around with what feels like a Volkswagon in my throat and yet smile at everyone and wish them a great day....even tho mine is not... at least not completely.
Tonight will be my time to drown in a self induced coma... no chemicals involved just my own mind and body driving me down into pool of useless flesh for a little while why I deal with my pain. My soul will be screaming as it is being ripped apart from my body... wondering why this happens.... why I let myself go like this I guess I will never understand. In an odd way it helps... after I feel ok.. I am able to return to whatever version of normal my life is (what is normal?).
The torture will seem unbearable but I always get thru.... if you watched it would be like witnessing an exorcism I literally go into spasms with my body.. yet feel somewhat cleansed after it happens.
To those who read me... think of me today... for those who care pray for me. For those on either side of the situation I am in consider this as you placea child in the middle ofa relationship. Do not deny something so precious from another.... imagine how you would feel or better yet envision the torture I am going thru and ask yourself if you would wish it upon anyone.
I read the comments.. I may respond I may not.... today is her day. A day of happiness for her and me... but today is also one of my annual visits into the depths of my personal hell... my never ending car wreck that repeats itself. Kinda like Groundhog day with an evil twist.
Like reliving a traumatic event ....sometimes this is called PTSD... post traumatic stress disorder... only thing is is that this is a trauma that continues........

cookiequeen1000 54F

7/13/2006 11:50 am

I feel your pain darlin'. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

rm_sloman44 61M
701 posts
7/13/2006 5:05 pm

Hope this finds you in better spirits Gorilla. I have been where you are but my daughter is now 26. Just had her birthday earlier this month. I guess the best consolation I can offer is that in 6 short years, maybe less, she will be able to decide where and with whom she spends her special day. You sound like a great father. Just keep being that.

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rm_gorilla062 replies on 7/14/2006 10:07 am:
Thanks... I try and keep that in my mind at all times... this is just the hardest time of year for me.
I appreciate it!

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