Home for the Holidays  

rm_garbageman12 55M
2 posts
12/13/2005 7:55 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Home for the Holidays

Anybody like that old Kenny Loggins Christmas song? Lately that has been the one going through my mind.

Being a member of this forum, as a married man, I am constantly struggling with the attachments that come with the neverending search for the next partner. I will not get divorced, no way, not destroying a million dollar business, selling the house, moving away from my kids. For someone I haven't met yet!

Much as we make decisions every day to live with our mistakes, we also should decide to make the best of it. I am doubly stupid, second marriage, lol, and still didn't learn it, accept that maybe I am just not meant for marriage. So here I am, and have been for over 10 years. I have successfully met over 50 women off the internet. As hard as it is to believe, I am a gentleman, and will never divulge how many I have slept with. I feel no guilt; not for the relationships, not for the time spent with all of these wonderful women. Not for the money spent on us.

I feel guilt for the loss of Norman Rockwell in my life. For the fact that some of the genuine smarmy warmth of Christmas Eve with my wife is gone forever, well maybe forever, no crystal ball here. Why do I feel this way, the divinations between my better half, and myself are not fixable, because neither side wants to fix them. Neither side wants closure.

I almost understand why so many find comfort in religion, standing in a church with a fine choir singing carols, is inspiring and uplifting, it calls to recommitment, but it is recommitment to living a lie. We are, who we are. We are who we wanna be, at least I think I am. I don't wanna be divorced, I wanna be a family, and I wanna be happy, and I wanna romance and have a glass of red wine with an interesting woman in a lowlit room while I listen to classical music and crunch on a baguet. Maybe I am French.

Anyways, I will struggle with this forever, and perhaps that is what I want, the internal struggle. Peace, and to all a good night!

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