the paddle or the ball  

FreesNorseClogs 47M
39 posts
1/5/2006 8:40 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

the paddle or the ball

I have this condition.

No, let's call it an affliction.

My mind bounces back and forth, without ever really resolving anything.

Thought,... thuupt - ping, quandary?, thuupt - pong
New thought,...
I suppose it has to do with a lack of any real
"Moral fiber".
But I prefer to see it as an open and more honest way of approaching my life.
I mean if I were to decide on only one aspect of any given question, how dull and routine my experience in this life would be.
So do I have boundaries?
The simple answer would be yes.
Could I lay them out?
I have found that, until I have met that limit, I can't describe it to anyone, including myself.
Sort of a seat of my Levi's way to live, I'll admit.
Sometimes painfull.
Sometimes exciting.
Hell, sometimes even dreadfully dull.
And just for a splash of irony, I don't do well with change!
Still, if I wasn't skiing ass over forehead down the mountain of existence,...
Fuck! shoot me in the head.
I often dream of doing all those x-treme sports, however the reality of day to day inevitably pokes it's dick into my view, and I suffer the ugly realization of my responsibilities.
So, yes I understand the processes of the mind that make it o-kay to do something outrageous.
It's my life, and i've made the decisions that led me here.I know and own that. Still I find myself dreaming.
And searching,...mostly for the moment I can break my routine, for good, without hurting anyone I love.
I've tried to not be selfish, or cruel.
But I fear the day when ALL the longing turns to resentment. And as a result I become the man I fear most.
CHRIST I should go back to drugs, then I don't know WHAT the hell's goin on, and don't care.

Sorry didn't mean to be quite that fuckin pathetic.
Gotta stir up some shit every now and again to make sure the really deep stuff doesn't get stuck.

I'm going to bed.

someday I'll find that courage.
and, with luck it won't hurt anyone

The life I want
is the ghost that haunts
the place i live
yet will not give
the me you know
the room to grow
to live the life i want

rm_Bct2Esi 52M/51F
1375 posts
2/1/2006 10:05 am

I hate when I have days like you described, trust me they are often. I don't think its my blondness causing them....*snicker*

hugs and smiles

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