General Jokes  

rm_east2west67 50M
88 posts
7/21/2006 3:12 am

Last Read:
10/29/2006 10:32 pm

General Jokes


I found out last week that alcohol is my boss!
Did I enjoy work the last couple of days. Can't wish for a better boss!!

sunshinekzn 59F

7/21/2006 5:26 pm

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"


rm_east2west67 50M
107 posts
7/24/2006 2:47 am

Great one sunshine. Keep them coming dear!!!


rm_east2west67 50M
107 posts
7/24/2006 2:52 am

Spring op, gooi jou hare terug, klap jouself oppie gat en skree: hel man ek's blerrie gorgeuos!!!
Live on the edge ou pel, otherwise you take up too much space - life is a journey, ry hom na sy moer.
Wys jou mys en hang jou slang, looi n plooi en brand vir n rand. Geniet die naweek, braai n tjop en drink n dop.
Lewe asof daar nie n more gaan wees nie.
Die lewe is n lied, sing uit volle bors al klink jy soos Jurie Els!!!


mads76 41F

7/26/2006 12:28 am

Gehoor van die MAN wat hulle in die Vaaldam in 'n tas gerky het?

Wie het gese 'n vrou kan nie pak nie?


mads76 41F

7/26/2006 12:32 am

3 woman sit naked in a sauna. Suddenly there's a beep. The Sandton woman presser her arm, its my beeper, I have a microchip inplant in my arm. Then a phone rings, the PTA woman puts her hand 2 her ear and speaks. I have a phone microchip inplant in my hand she explains. The Woman from Bloemfontein feelling slightly out of date goed 2 the bathroom, comes out with toilet paper hanging out of her butt. Oh look she says, I'm getting a fax....


mads76 41F

7/26/2006 12:34 am

my husband bought me a mood ring, when I'm happy its shines green, when I'm cross it leaves a red mark on his forehead...


rm_east2west67 50M
107 posts
7/26/2006 1:49 am

Thx Mads. Keep them coming.


rm_east2west67 50M
107 posts
7/26/2006 10:44 pm

Koos and Japie from Boksburg were in Pretoria for the Currie Cup Final when they suddenly spotted this sign on a shop window:
- Suits R20.00 each
- Shirts R10.00 each (Two-Tone only)
- Trousers R8.00 per pair

Koos says to his pal. "Hey Japie, check at that! Bliksem, we could buy a whole load of that cloffes... then when we get back we could resell them and make us a moerse fortuin!"

Koos then says to Japie: "Now listen boet, when we go into the shop you yus keep your big mouth shut, hey! Yus you let me do all the talking plus wheeling and dealing stuff, because if they hear your Boksburg accent, they might try to rip us off. I'll be giving them my best accent so they think we're is locals."
They go in and Koos says, "Excuse me sir, I'll take 50 of your finest suits at R20 each, plus 100 shirts at R10 each, and 50 pairs of your trousers at just R8 each. I will be paying in cash, and taking those items with me today, if you don't mind."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You guys is from Boksburg, isn't you?"
"Err....ja" says Koos, "How come you know?"
The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners, jou doos!"


rm_east2west67 50M
107 posts
7/26/2006 10:52 pm

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and Are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend.
"Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".

Robin replies, "I see millions of stars."

What does that tell you?" asks Batman.

Robin ponders for a minute. Astronomically speaking, it tells me That there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks: "Robin, you fucking idiot, someone has stolen our tent"


rm_east2west67 50M
107 posts
7/26/2006 11:09 pm

5 REASONS ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK/B]

1. It's an incentive to show up at work

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communication; employees tell management what they really think, not what management wants to hear

4. It increases satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care


5. It eliminates holidays, because people would rather come to work.


rm_east2west67 50M
107 posts
7/27/2006 10:36 pm

' n Ouderling word gevra om die Sondag in die kerk 'n paar woorde te spreek.

Hy begin om te sĂȘ:
" Geagte broers en susters!!! Vandag wil ek met julle praat oor 'n stukkie vleis......!DAAI stukkie vleis!!

Daardie stukkie vleis wat broers en susters van mekaar skei.....!!!dis daardie stukkie vleis wat MAN EN VROU van mekaar kan laat skei.....!!!dis daardie stukkie vleis wat families uit mekaar skeur so dat hulle vervreemd raak van mekaar......!!!dis daardie stukkie vleis wat vrouens met vrouens laat baklei, broers met broers.....!!!dis daardie stukkie vleis wat partykeer meer buite is as wat hy binne is....en dan ook meer binne is as buite.....!!! Broers en susters dit is daardie stukkie vleis wat soveel pyn en ook soveel plesier kan bring.....!!!







LIEWE BROERS EN SUSTERS, DIS DIE STUKKIE VLEIS WAAROOR EK VANDAG MET

JULLE WIL PRAAT...



DIE TONG - LIEWE BROERS EN SUSTERS! DIE TONG!"


rm_east2west67 50M
107 posts
7/27/2006 10:50 pm

Die apteker vra vir sy assistent: "Wat is verkeerd met daai ou wat so teen die muur leun?"

Die assistent se: "Hy het vanoggend hier ingekom en gevra vir hoesstroop, maar ek kon dit nie kry nie, toe jaag ek hom so 'n bottel Brooklax in."

Die apteker strip sy moer: "Maar my fok man, jy kan nie iemand se hoesbui probeer regmaak met 'n bottel Brooklax nie!"

"Natuurlik kan 'n mens", se die assistent, "kyk na die ou. Hy is te fokken bang om te hoes!"


rm_east2west67 50M
107 posts
7/28/2006 1:33 am

No offence to the auditors

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them ack to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."


rm_east2west67 50M
107 posts
8/7/2006 11:03 pm

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would
get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard
from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and
got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop”.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes,
and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for
her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited
for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South
African Airways"

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the
pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both
ways."
Mom fainted!


rm_pat1973i 44M
9 posts
8/22/2006 3:13 am

What's the difference between erotic and kinky??

Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.


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