Disturbing Incident  

rm_dragonheat23 52M
977 posts
3/17/2006 7:39 am

Last Read:
3/20/2006 7:24 am

Disturbing Incident

Last night my wife and I had a very strange experience with her 10 year old son. First some background:
He has a lot of friends and goes over their houses quite often. He has a friend whose parents are divorced and he lives with his mom at his grandparent’s house. This is one of his really good friends and is one of his most well mannered friends. “Dan” is a very respectful boy and we like that our son has him as a friend. (Dan is not his real name)
So last night, my wife and I are discussing her female cousin who has come out of the closet. Some of the relatives are upset and my wife and I are discussing how they need to get over it and let her be. We are open with our children and don’t try to shelter them. Our son is in earshot of our conversation. When he heard us mention the word lesbian, he goes off, saying that “lesbians are disgusting” and “I don’t want to be related to a lesbian”. After our shock wears off (ten years old, remember) we explain that there is nothing disgusting about it, it is a choice and a lifestyle that some women have and there is nothing wrong with it.
After some more discussion, we find out that when he was at Dan’s house, his friend had shown him some pictures of lesbians. A lot of pictures. Our son described them and they were VERY graphic. Dan talked to him about lesbians and “what they do”.
So after we talked to our son, my wife went in the other room and called Dan’s house. His grandmother seemed very calm about the whole thing and said “you know how boys are, they’re just curious”
Her reaction had me furious. I assume he got the pictures on line. When I was young, I got into my brother’s Playboys so it’s not that I object to his “curiosity”. It is the fact that there is a ten year old boy downloading porn (and who knows what else), showing them to my son and giving him warped ideas about sex. And the adults in his life don’t seem to give a shit.
So, our son will not be allowed over to his friend’s house anymore. For now, Dan can still come over to our house. We have thought about not allowing our son to see him anymore, outside of school. We thought about reporting the incident to the authorities, but are unsure about whether to or not.
So am I(we) overreacting or not doing enough?

angelgrrl 49F

3/17/2006 8:10 am

Be careful your son doesn't see you as punishing him for being honest with you. It's tough for sure. It's very possible the grandmother was thinking the pictures were a la playboy and not hardcore porn. You probably should call her again, when you're a bit more calm, and make it very clear that it's hard core porn, not just naked pictures.

I'm not sure what I'd do if I were you. I would definitely try and keep and open dialogue there. One more thing, homosexuality really isn't a choice or a lifestyle -- it's a sexual orientation.

*hugs* to you and good luck on this one. I'm dreading these kind of things that I know are on the horizon.

libgemOH 57M/53F

3/17/2006 8:21 am

I have a caregiver that works with my oldest daughter. My daughter has disabilities and really doesn't quite understand all this being taught her, but the caregiver decided to give her a lesson on evolution vs. creation with her own twist to it. I WAS PISSED! It is my job to teach my children the values I feel they need to learn.

Your reaction and consequences sound perfectly reasonable to me. It is you and your wife's job to teach your son, no one else's. You are just ensuring that!

bluegirl39 51F

3/17/2006 8:37 am

Okay Im a mother of four children ranging from the ages of 20 to 2 years of age. Been here made the mistake your making. Talk with the grandmother again she may not understand these photos are what you discribed. She may also not know where he (Dan) is getting them. But if she does know what the photos are then yes its time to tell your son to play with other kids. A big problem is in the horizon if his parents don't care..trust me on this one..been there done that

pet_humility 50F

3/17/2006 8:47 am

Such a tough call.
Its good that he came out and told you whats going on, even if it wasn't voluntary, hence the subject about lesbians... But at least you found out.

I don't shelter my kids from anything, but its me teaching them the majority of it, and kids in school are teaching them the rest.

It amazes me what my 12 year old knows...but being a open parent and letting them know your there to discuss everything and anything makes them come to you alot faster. If its wrong I tell them right then and there. I don't take friends away until its something damageing to themselves. Like my daughter was cutting herself, and found out through her sister.. but she said she was doing it just cause her friends were.. Well them friends I can't take away at school cause they are just there, but going over there or them over I can stop.

Anyway I have lots of kid stories like that and wont fill up your blog.
Just be there for them no matter what subject it is, and I think you handled it like a trooper

moonfire2u 70F
2602 posts
3/17/2006 4:21 pm

I don't believe you are over-reacting...but I don't believe you should call in the authorities...I think you should go over to Dan's house and ask to see the photos...with grandma present to see first hand what they contain and then also let her hear where he got them from...I believe this might be something needed to help Dan...too. Obviously he lacks guidance. At this point, you have an almost moral obligation to help your son and someone else's son...you have to take charge of the situation...you have to take the necessary steps to see that this is resolved to your satisfaction...for all concerned...and if you see that the problem isn't resolvable...then you have to ban Dan from contact with your son...but as a last resort...Good Luck!!

kind thoughts,

southrnpeach333 51F

3/19/2006 8:55 am

I have 5 boys myself and have been down the discovering porn road with 3 of them already. But when they became curious about it they had reached the age that was normal for them to seek out those things. In my oppinion 10 is far too young to have those curiousity's yet. An adult or older person would have had to lead them to it. That is not a good thought. I think you are right in limiting your son's interaction with this child to your own supervision. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it or state it out loud I would just make sure that the plans turn out to be the other kid coming to your house. The fact that your son openly told you about the incident illustratates the good open relationship you and your wife have with him. You don't want to do anything that will keep him from telling you things in the future. So suble redirection would probably be best.

And, like other oppinions here, I would reapproach the Grandmother and explain again how explicite the material is. Let her know that this isn't your Granfather's Playboy anymore. I had one of my son's have a porn movie shown to him and his friends by one of his friend's older brothers. It really shook them up. They were too young and all niave. I initially talked to my son about it but he was embarrased. I let some time pass and when i found the right time I brought it up again. Enough of the initial shock had worn off and he could talk to me about his concerns. It also showed him that he can talk to us about subjects like that. You might try this with your son when a few days or so passes and he is not so emotional over it. In case there are any lingering concerns.

It is nice to see the comments on this post. Nice to see parents who care and want to help.

Good luck on this and keep us posted.

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