rm_ctemded 39M
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5/17/2006 2:33 pm

Before I go on writing, I have to ritualisticly say all that's bad about it. Here goes: First of all, the title I've chosen, Introspection, sounds as if it's made up by someone a lot more melodramatically inclined than I'd like to be. It is though. Introspection, I mean. That's what I'm doing here. Second, I write rather clinically, detachedly, with way to many words, about problems that probably wouldn't be of interest to that many people. Last, this continuous putting myself down probably makes it even more annoying. I don't really know why I do it. It would be interesting to find out.

Now, as to sex, this strong desire to have that at least once outside of a relationship, preferably with someone I don't know at all, preferably at her initiative, not mine. This image has, at times, been absurdly all-important to me, as if me having sex with strangers was the most important thing in my, or anybody's life. Nowadays, I have a more normal perspective on things, and this is just something that surfaces from time to time. I don't know for sure where it comes from. It could be because I want that invisible, lustful part of me to be seen, acknowledged, but then, I'd get that in a relationship, even more of it. Another possibility is that it's just a fantasy that for some reason has been etched into me. It's like a story I'd like to be able to tell myself about myself. The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves are thought to be important components of identity, and I guess I want that story to be part of mine.

Then again, if I got in that position, it's likely I'd have just talked myself out of it again. I would have to at least try to avoid misunderstandings, to make sure no one felt used, no one got hurt... one can never be absolutely sure about such things, of course, but I'd have to at least try. And I guess that interrupting a heated situation with a "uhm, we should talk this over before we move on," wouldn't sit to well? Or maybe it would. I don't know. I've never tried.

I wish I knew how to get into situation where there was the potential of someone saying that they wanted me. I wish I knew what to answer. I also wish I wasn't expected by culture to be the one taking the initiative.

Well, the way I look at myself is changing, the notion that even I might be attractive in my way is growing, and already the way people respond to me change accordingly. Maybe when that change gets further along, the things I want to happen will.

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