Now what....?  

rm_brechincat 56F
10 posts
5/26/2006 5:34 pm

Last Read:
6/20/2006 3:08 pm

Now what....?

that seems to be the question rolling round and round in my head these was so hard to pick up and leave everything i had ever known to move half a country away to enter into the world of Gorean M/s as a 24/7 r/t kajira but how could i NOT after meeting Him? i never even knew things like that existed and it struck a chord within me so deep i couldn't deny it, especially not to myself once i had found out what it was

i worked so hard to change and be pleasing in every aspect of my life for eight long years and was so grateful when i finally overcame jealousy of other slaves on His chain - it was probably the hardest thing i have ever done in my life

Other Masters thought i was just amazing, wonderful, such a prize and treasure, how i honored His collar etc etc etc.....well, i sure know how very much i'm NOT perfect and that there is always so much to learn and improve upon.....but there were so few willing to do the things i was required to.....even if most of it WAS self-mastery in the end....i confess i never saw a final release coming and the shock was mindnumbing

now i am on my own, trying to figure out what happened, what i could have done to prevent it, and where in the world am i supposed to go from here and how am i supposed to figure out how to go on

IS life over now? is there anywhere to go from here? because i failed as a slave have i negated anything left of value in me for anyone else to ever want? should i try and change and not desire to feel this way - as slave - anymore? should i explore more "normal" D/s relations (as if there is anything more "normal" about it!)? i know i could never be satisfied with just a vanilla relationship ever again - what could it possibily offer half as rewarding after such passion and intense sexual gratification....the only place i ever came close to finding that was in the bonds of slavery

they say time will tell and time heals all wounds and such drivel....i wonder, at 44, what kind of time i even have left

and He was not wrong - Masters are never wrong so all the fault or blame or whatever reason must then be mine....i wish i knew what i had done so very wrong that He wouldn't even try to work with me anymore to fix.....i never ever thought He would give up on me ever or that i could ever wear Him out due to frustration, but it looks like i did....He said i was high maintenance and so i guess i was....i must have been too much to that tears at my heart when all i wanted for the rest of my life was to be allowed to serve at His feet always

some First Girl i turned out to be.....i can hear the taunts of all those on the chain who have come and gone before me....."look how the "mighty" have fallen"....

so i continue to get up every day, try hard to get to the gym as regularly as i should, keep on going to work every day.....but i still look for reasons not to go back to the still and empty place i live alone now.....home it will never be.....home is supposed to be where the heart is but mine is a empty space where a chunk of ice used to's already hard to remember much of anything of my training and all i do is try and ignore the fire that was borne into me by Him.....maybe that will eventually flicker and die too

i can't go back to where i was before and i don't know where to go from here.....maybe this is the definition of lost....but if i don't keep moving somehow to somewhere the self pity will drag me down and i will never get back up again - not this time

GoddessOfTheDawn 106F
11240 posts
5/27/2006 7:52 am

impressive post. I do wonder if this wouldn't be more suited on sister site ALT maybe? That is the site for 'the lifestyle' you describe.... I'm sorry, I don't have an answer for you....

welcome to blogging

Nightguy_1961 56M
4866 posts
5/28/2006 9:36 pm

It is not the end of the world for you...there have been both D & s...M & s...who have had to pick up and start again. I had to pick back up after 10 years away from the Lifestyle, due to a bad marriage, so don't feel like you're alone.

And forget that nonsense that Masters are never wrong....I am human, I make mistakes and missteps, so don't put all of this on you. I don't know the whole story, granted, but it's takes two to tango, so don't put all of it on yourself, okay?

NG61...fading back into the darkness...

DumpsGenesTally 70M

5/30/2006 8:27 pm

I have never been where you have been and so anything i say will will be from a diiferent perspective. We have talked and i know that you know the higher power that will deliver you from this. I dont think you will have to return to your former lifestyle and that yoy will fullfillment elsewhere. Ma ybe not in a vanillia relationship, but maybe in a variation of one. Don't give up, you are building abase of friends and a support group that will be with you .

rm_brechincat 56F
2 posts
5/31/2006 2:36 pm

i apologize for posting this type of comment and post in the wrong place. i should have started this - if it should have been started at all - over at ALT instead
thank You for the correction

Thank You, Nightguy1961, for the encouragement and empathy....stuck in po-dunk NC i DO feel completely isolated and alone with none to talk to r/t about any of this type of real self and its concerns ..... which is why i am dabbing my toes again into the world of online....trying NOT to feel that alone

Glad to see You found this, BOLOCKY.....i've said a lot more here about where i'm at than in any chat so far.....not sure why, especially when i already journal.....maybe to peel back some of the layers bit by bit and see who gets scared or not

i know this all scares me for sure!

rm_chanda69 49F
418 posts
6/28/2006 6:17 am

i have never been in a formal M/s relationship, although i have known who my "True Master" is for several years; we have been friends & sometime lovers for 20. we were recently in a disagreement over something seemingly trivial, but now He wont return phone calls, or e-mails. so i can understand the feeling of loss & confusion. you are not alone- even in podunk NC!!! you CAN go on, & even if you don't know what went wrong with this relationship, you learned a lot right? so maybe the next Master is supposed to get you in the state you are in now, as opposed to where you would be if you had been with the last One for any longer.

i am a backslidden baptist, just beginning to come to terms with my sexuality in relation to my Christian beliefs. (one of the reasons i blog here - i can say anything!) i also have a profile on alt.- as chanda68- & while it may be a better place for specific questions or concerns relating to M/s, i have had more success with responses here. we aren't very far from each other, & i have to maintain a VERY vanilla appearance, so if you'd ever like to talk, let me know. i never have too many friends & this is a pretty good place to start making new ones- (i have one in particular on here i have had several enlightening conversations with)




rm_maninsantee 54M
1 post
11/15/2006 3:29 pm

no need to blame yourself for what happen,,,most people dont understand the life style (we ) is time tested as any relationship is....the master though he is the (MASTER) has also got to work with his partner (SLAVE)....i hope you rebound from this soon and wish i could help. hold your head high and show that smile you have and toss that beautifull hair and be strong sweetie,,,,it will all work out in the end..his loss not yours

sorry i could not email you from the site but i was blocked from the cupid seting (distance)

A friend

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