Alone in a crowd..  

rm_boytoysexcam 56T
63 posts
3/20/2006 7:50 pm

Last Read:
3/21/2006 5:01 am

Alone in a crowd..


I just came back from a roadtrip to South By Southwest which is this music festival held in Austin TX, every year. Musicians from all over the world flock here to hawk thier goods and jockey to be the next upcoming thing. Meanwhile, the record labels and execs wine and dine bands, swap and shop, hoping to sign the next big seller to their label. It was the most amazing fun thing to watch.

I had a great time. I spent a considerable amount of time with types who did not mind my eccentricities. I could really follow my notions and dress up and carry on much closer to femme, with make up, my favorite pants and some male attire (but not enough maleness to avoid getting grimaces from truckstop cashiers and others phobes on the long road to Austin, hehe)

Once in Austin, for four days, I partied and hung out with my freinds from Europe - they were one of the acts scheduled to play a few of the events at the festival. Since they were from London, Denmark, Germany and Scotland, I felt quite comfortable dressing and expressing myself however I whimmed. We laughed, drank margaritas and ate great food in all these little Austin places. I watched their shows from back stage and slept in the hotel with them..they were never less than sweet, kind and welcoming to me. The record label people were kind and welcoming too. It was very cool.

...but there were these funny moments, as I sat there, I began to sense a feeling of loneliness..a feeling that seemed tied to a frustration that I could hardly put my finger on..it makes me suspicious as to my future..but I felt this stress that I could not really be who I wanted to fully be. It's embarrassing to admit this, but I felt some kind of jealousy. Some kind of envy.

I looked at all the beautiful g-girls at the table around me and felt so...well, like one of them, as if I were 'on their side'. It made me wonder...I wanted to know..could they see my femininity? Could they see my clothes, my make up?

I know one of g-girls did. Happy she could finally get a shower, she took an opportunity to quitely tease me, singing lyrically to me, that child's tease: 'I am a giiiirl, I am a giiiiirl'. I cracked up. I loved that, and in a funny way I felt that she included me, by recognising I would value her gladness...

I looked at all the men around me, at the shows, in the bars, walking the streets, with dates or alone. I felt sorry for them. Sorry that they could not be more. But glad that they were there..

But I wanted to be aligned with these women. And I wanted to show it more. It even seems that I wanted to express it bold faced against that sense of jealousy. Express that I could do it too. I would be that too. And that I wasn't part of the male parade that was happening right outside the cafe', in the streets...or anywhere.

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