How the Earth was saved by TV, Blogs and AFF  

rm_bluegenes51 57M
115 posts
4/13/2005 10:43 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

How the Earth was saved by TV, Blogs and AFF

The following is a transcript of a conversation intercepted by SETI. I am not at liberty to divulge how this transcript was obtained. Comments that I interject will be in red, comments by the government translator will be denoted by (*comment*). -BG

(*Recording of this conversation began in mid conversation. A team of translators, linguists, and encryption experts from a number of government agencies was assembled to attempt to translate the recording. There is no similar language on Earth. The translation to follow is the best approximation that the team could agree upon. We are not able to determine upon which planet the conversation took place; the boys at SETI should be able to point you in the right direction. We were able to discern multiple speakers through wave pattern analysis, but the individuals’ surnames are untranslatable/unpronounceable. The individuals are identified either as “Commander” or “Soldier1”, Soldier2”*)

This is how the transcript that was obtained begins

Soldier1: … cannot be sure. After we intercepted their original broadcasts we thought that they (*Earthlings*) were dangerous because they were invisible(* radio broadcasts??*) and now…

Soldier2(interrupting): Do not try to blame me for THAT Soldier1.

Commander: Enough! Let’s stick to the present topic. What new information do we have and what does it mean?

Soldier1: The transmissions that we recently received show that the Earthlings are NOT invisible. (*television signals?*). It also shows that the males of the species are complete idiots. They are constantly doing something foolish only to be saved by the female of the species. (* TV commercials?*)

Soldier2: True, but we did observe one male who could create a nuclear device from pencil shavings, egg shells and chewing gum.

Commander: Can we identify this individual?

Soldier2: Yes, Sir. His name is McGiver.

Commander: Great work! What do we know about the female of the species?

Soldier1: They rule the planet. They all possess an animal which gives them power over the males.

Commander: Interesting. Do the males possess this animal?

Soldier2: No sir. Only the females. The males are in charge of grooming these beasts.

Commander: What do they call this animal?

Soldier2: It goes by a variety of names. Our translators had some difficulty with this at first. It is called , cat, pussy, kitty, kitten or clit. Apparently the males groom these animals with their tongues and are desperate to obtain a cat of their own.

Commander: Why do we think that?

Soldier2: We translated dialogues between the males and females on a secret site called AdultFriendFinder. The males often said, “I want to lick your cat.” The females responded , “ I love it when you make my cat wet.”
When the males converse amounst themselves they often say, “I’ve got to get some cat at twilight (* tonight* ??).” and “Yes.. me too.”

Commander: Did we learn anything else from their transmissions?

Soldier1: Yes. The fastest growing religion on Earth is Blog.

Commander: What is Blog?

Soldier1: Well.. we are sure. Many Earthlings are not even sure what it is.

Commander: How are we sure that it is a religion?

Soldier1: Millions of Earthlings spend hours reading, writing and studying Blog. And much of Blog is devoted to these cats.

Commander: OK. I am calling off the full blown invasion of the planet. We will dispatch one ship to Earth with 10 soldiers. Their mission will be to eliminate this McGiver, capture as many cats as possible and bring back a copy of Blog. The mission….

(* This is where SETI lost reception of the transmission*)

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