afraid of living but scared to die.  

rm_aqustic2 45M
1195 posts
4/6/2006 2:36 am

Last Read:
4/6/2006 3:27 am

afraid of living but scared to die.


over this past few years i have traveled to some very strange places, places i hope none off you will ever have to go. and christ did i have to do some major repair work on myself along the way? and a fair bit on a few others who got sucked in on my travels. if i am to be totaly honest with both myselfself and yourselfs a lot of the time i was directionless. funny i have no prob talking about my feelings even to a world of strangers. i didnt think i was bottling anything up?? there was one thing that had being rattling about in my head this past while but i just couldnt get it out. why???? a few days ago i came to a crossroads, i knew i wanted to go one way, there was a calling down that street, i was both affarid and scarred of what would come of it? then i remembered i had this feeling before only at a differant crossroads, that time i was afraid of living but scared to die. but i didnt give in to the darker side of it all, and made the right choice. but anyway at this crossroads the other day i made my choice and headed off knowing where i was going and a very happy person within a few short moments i crashed to a dead stop. i spend 12 hours in a state of shock and a feeling i can only call lonelyness.
like everthing in my life with the morning came a new outlook with a call to say it was going to be allright. it had all being a big misunderstanding all sorted how and no hard feelings to anyone involved. none, nutin, nathan,NONE no way. i fink i`m better for it in the end really? anyway this choice i made the other day it proved its self to me this morning. the thing that rattles about in my head this past few years is pain. i suffer from masive pain down my left side, and lately in my right side because it dose double the work it is supose to do. to those of you who dont know i had a major stroke in 02 and my left side dosent work anymore, no biggie anymore none nutin, i`m sure you get the picture. during the night the pain arrived to wreck my head and all i could think of as i sat on the side to the bed was for the morning to come please. with the morning came the person i had made the choice for during the week, i was so happy and it just came out"i`m in pain" why is that?? the pain eased straight away, i`m not sure why i havent bin able to talk about it outside of my doc, and phyiso?? i now know it was doing me no good covering it up. but all in the space of an hour or so i am feeling better just someone to share the load was all i needed. someone to help me on my travels help me with this repair and christ have i made the right choice on this one. this might sound very silly but its the way i feel this morning. i`ve being born again 4 years of carrying that around in my head all over in 1 min. i have made appointments with both my phyiso and doc. if they dont get on top of this i`ll burn the places. shes gone to sleep now and i miss her already. thank you baby sleep thight.

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