the incredible, edible... heart?  

rm_abutoo2 45M
708 posts
8/9/2006 5:26 am

Last Read:
8/13/2006 9:00 pm

the incredible, edible... heart?

You know, I'm corny, cheesy... I'm a goof. But I'm really corny, lol. I put little kids stickers in birthday cards and such. I say "oh goodie." When someone asks me what happiness is I tell em it's when your child runs up out of the blue and says "I love you dada." If that child happens to include a hug in that spontaneous "I love you," Oh hell... I'm melted.
I love people today. Most of em, unless they're extremely hateful. Today, I'm lonely. But I'm not needy. It's a comfortable feeling of lonely. See, I know that I'm alone now only 'cause I've got some shit I'm figuring out about myself. I'm lonely, but I'm grateful for it.
I remember when I got divorced. Something about my heart, it seemed to tighted up into a rock. Numb. I don't think I could have felt a genuine love for anyone at the time. But, I was still grateful they were there. However, it's like I was incapable of loving.
Then it defrosted somewhat. And either I was obsessed or in love. 'Cause when I broke up with my ex-girlfriend all I could think of was her. From December to March, almost every single entry in my journal was about her.
At the end of things, when we finally stopped seeing each other completely, there was hard words said. I say this with all honesty, all the hard words and mean things, came from her. I don't name call, and I don't blame for shit that has no blame.
Now, instead of feeling numb, I felt betrayed. Here's a woman that I loved y'all, and she said and did some things that just destroyed my total trust and confidence in love. I felt used. I felt abused in a sense. But mostly, I felt like I had a knife in me.
I had to adapt to this new feeling. I haven't loved too many people. That's the truth too. My brothers, my parents (for all their faults) and two or three special friends that have come into my life. I'd never been betrayed by one I loved. I'd been treated pretty shabby once or twice though, haven't we all right.
So, in my coming to terms with life and whatnot, I learned a few things from my ex-girlfriend, and my ex-wife.
I don't blame my ex gf for the way things happened. I like to think that she had as hard a time as I did and just didn't know what else to do, or how to handle it (only because I like to think the best from people). But, that doesn't change how it ended. Very badly, and very bitterly. So, what I learned. If it's over, end it... walk away. Don't try and hang on, and don't let them hang on to you either. Don't try and ease the pain by staying "friends." Unless there is something that is holding you together, kids, mortgage, unfinished business, walk away. If the "friends" thing is going to happen, it's going to happen. But your best bet is to stay far away and deal with the pain of the loss in one big lump. That lesson alone will take care of the other two lessons I learned. Watch what you say and how you act, cause the message that you send can really hurt someone.
From my ex-wife though, I learned that maturity and honesty, from both sides!!! will make a breakup manageable. My ex-wife and I worked together to help each other. Only because there was no betrayal, there was no mean spirited stuff. Just love and kindness and a recognition that if things went on as they were we'd end up in betrayal and anger. Bitterness comes from dealing with a resentment too long. So, if you know that your relationship is over, for whatever reason, don't hang on to it. Accept it with all honesty and do the best you can.
Somethings aren't meant to work as they are, but they can be adapted, amended, altered, changed... into a different type of relationship.
Above all, with these two break-ups, I had to ask myself... first off Will I ever love and trust another woman? and will I ever trust myself to make a true commitment to another.
Today, I know I will. And I'll keep doing it the rest of my life. I guess, my outlook has changed quite a bit. You see, I love people. I love em for just being the human's that they are. I try to see them from their intentions and not their actions. I try to understand why they do things I know are just flat out stupid for their welfare. To do that I had to understand why I did all the stupid shit I did. And I did some stupid shit too.

Today, I love God. Then I love myself. Then I love other people through God. I put a bit of faith that everything is going to be ok, provided I do the right thing by others, and for my own right. I take good care of myself so that I may able to help others. For I cannot give money that I don't have to give. I can't give joy if I have none. I can't give support if I have no compassion. I can't give trust if I'm not trustworthy. And above all... I can't allow them to believe in themselves unless I believe in myself.


8/9/2006 6:57 am

Forgiveness truly is divine. Sometimes you do have to love from a distance but the main thing is to always love. Excellent post {=} Blog (and love) on!

just a squirrel trying to get a nut

rm_abutoo2 replies on 8/9/2006 7:48 am:
it's definitely better to carry less crap around with us. Let it go right? Thanks for visiting


8/9/2006 8:09 am

I know you're right about when it's over let it go because it does turn to shit the longer you try to hang on. Problem is, we have kids. So we are attempting this ridiculous thing of living in the same house in separate rooms so we are both here for them. I wouldn't recommend it. Had we ended things when we should have we might have been friends, now I don't know. Anyway, just wanted to say it's excellent solid advice!

rm_abutoo2 replies on 8/9/2006 9:24 am:
There is truly no right and wrong when it comes to affairs of the heart. Just try and do right by each other. I know I wouldn't want to live in the same house as my ex-wife, lol.

tight_n_tasty2 51F

8/9/2006 1:34 pm

Excellent Blog !! thank you for sharing .I wish you well and Keep believing in yourself you sound like your on the right path~~Have a Blessed Journey~~

rm_abutoo2 replies on 8/9/2006 4:41 pm:
thanks tasty... very nice legs too

sassy1296 52F

8/9/2006 2:19 pm

As always we see the true man in your blog. You have a beautiful way of putting things. Hugs Sweet man... I hope you day is a goodone.

rm_abutoo2 replies on 8/9/2006 4:41 pm:
thanks sassy, I sure hope that you've had a better day than yesterday too

Addy19742 44F

8/9/2006 4:55 pm

You are on the right track! You really do learn from the trials and tribulations in your life. I am happy for ya!

rm_abutoo2 replies on 8/10/2006 12:49 am:

MWWwantmore 52F

8/9/2006 7:30 pm

Very nice post!

I'll have a cafe, mocha, vodka, valium latte to go please!

Good girls go to heaven.....bad girls go down!!

rm_abutoo2 replies on 8/10/2006 12:14 pm:
thank you

amoldenough 71F
16436 posts
8/13/2006 7:00 pm

I know what you are going through. I just recently broke up with someone with whom I had a 15 month on line relationship . Don't laugh. It was just as real as if it were in real life. I really loved him and thought that he loved me. He broke my trust by cheating on me with someone else, and he wouldn't break up with her.Anyway, I took it for a long time, even knowing I was second best. I finally decided that I would be better off without him. Being with him was like being on a roller coaster, all ups and downs. I was constantly on edge and so stressed. It really hurt me to tell him I was breaking up. It felt like my heart was being ripped from my body. I still love him, and we occasionally email or IM, but the relationship isn't there anymore.I'm sorry this is so long, and I hope I didn't get off track too much.

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."

rm_abutoo2 replies on 8/13/2006 9:01 pm:
do yourself a favor... lol Keep your heart to yourself. Cause other people don't really treat it as well as they should

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