I don't know what to call this one.  

rm_abutoo2 45M
708 posts
6/27/2006 8:12 pm

Last Read:
6/29/2006 11:20 am

I don't know what to call this one.

My blog isn’t something that I use just to amuse others, lol. It’s also a sort of journal for my own benefit and nobody else’s. That other’s can benefit from the way I think is a bonus and for that I’m grateful. Makes me feel like, maybe I’ve been able to help someone. So, today is a special treat here. A real blog about me, not just the way I think, but who I am. A little truth about me and where I’m at in my life.

In the second week of August my ex-wife and my 4 year old son are moving to England. They’ve traveled over and back a few times. The difference this time is that it’s a one-way ticket. I love both of them and I know I’m really going to miss them. Although we’re divorced we’re very good friends and we’re always available to help each other. People split up for different reasons I guess.
People ask me how I can let my son leave and go to another country. They think I don’t care about his welfare or something. Shit, exactly the opposite is true, as any parent can attest. It’s always foremost on my mind. As the old saying goes: “if you love something set it free…” There is truth to that. I have to believe that everything works out for a reason.
My ex is British. Her family and friends are all back in the UK. Here, in backwoods country Oklahoma, she is treated like a novelty item. People never let her forget that she is a foreigner. If you’ve ever been treated differently then perhaps you’ll understand that. They don’t mean to cause her to feel different. They’re actually very nice about it. But every time you’re singled out from the crowd, you’re singled out. Regardless of intention. So, she’s found it very difficult to make friends here. Take a shy person and single them out and you end up with a reclusive hermit.
To my way of thinking, asking her to stay here will only benefit me. People say “but your son needs a dad.” True enough, and he’ll always have me. Just not there with him. I know that he’ll be raised to have the morals, values, and integrity that I want him to have. I know that he’ll be loved and well tended by his mom, because I’ve seen her in action and she’s a great mother. Much better at it than I am at fathering. She had a better teacher. I also will be able to see him how ever often we can arrange it. She’s not my enemy and never will be.
To let her leave I’m giving her a chance at her life back. With her mother and her friends. I’m letting her go back to her own kind, where she can be most at home. This may not sound like much, but take it from me, it is hard to live in a different culture than the one who were raised in.
In my span of 33 years I’ve moved 18 different times. That’s 18 times to different cities in this country. Including Hawaii and Guam. That doesn’t count moves into different houses inside the same city. I can’t even try to remember those. Let’s just say I’m very good at moving, lol. I know how different every place is. Similar, but different in the small shit. And that’s the stuff that’s hardest to adapt to.
I’m really terrified deep down of this event. I’ve hardly any family period and no family here in Oklahoma that I have anything to do with it at all. Just my parents and we’re estranged (but that’s another blog, lol). What am I scared of? Well shit, having moved 18 different times I can tell you that I don’t have very many people in the friend category. I have two best friends here in town that I love like my brothers and then I have my ex-wife and my son. That’s about it for my social circle. I’ve always kept it small, I guess it’s just the lifestyle I was raised into.
I’m scared of what I’ll do when I look around in mid August and I feel like I’ve nothing special in my life. Maybe that’s why all my insistence lately of placing my self-worth, self-esteem, and happiness squarely on my shoulders. Just to prepare myself for what I know is coming. Preparation for this is only prudent. This event is coming. It would be stupidly naïve for me to try and bullshit myself into thinking I’m just going to breeze through this. And I’m not too much of a man to admit that I haven’t wept over thinking about not being able to see my little boy grow up to be a man. I also know that I’m going to miss the friendship of my ex-wife.
Every time I hear that song “who you’d be today “by Kenney Chesney, I think of not seeing him. My son isn’t dying or dead, thank god for that, but he is moving a world apart. And the feeling of loss is a feeling of loss. Heartbreaking grief. It’s all I can do sometimes to stay strong and continue to support these two as they get ready for their move. But through faith and friendship, I’ll make it. Life will continue.
I’m not really depressed over this event. I’ve had months to come to terms with it. But it is a scary thing to think that my life is just about starting over from scratch at 33 years old. That’s the scary part. Ok, maybe a little depressed, but I don’t want your sympathy either, lol. Encouragement is appreciated though.

God, please look after those that we love. The ones that we can’t look out for ourselves. Give them all the happiness and prosperity that you would otherwise give me so that their needs are always met and their desires satisfied. Allow them to find peace in their lives as the go through the daily grind of living a full life.

Amen.


canuhandle1968 50F

6/28/2006 4:29 am

You are doing the right thing, and it's a good thing. A very unselfish act. You and your ex wife are friends, and that in itself is a gift, especially for your son. He sees no animosity toward each other from the two of you, and because of your friendship with her, he'll never hear negative things. He may not always understand, as a young child, why you're not with him daily, but there will come a day when it will all become clear to him. He already has a better chance than you did... Parenting does not come with a manual, so we basically do the best we can. We have no magical powers to call upon to give us instant answers to any of the parenting questions we may have. But what you have, right at this moment, is the unconditional love that your son needs to allow him to have a good life and become the man you will help shape. Recall the sacrifice of God...


rm_abutoo2 replies on 6/28/2006 4:59 am:
most of the decisions we make there is no right and wrong. There is what we do and what we didn't.

safereturns 49F

6/28/2006 7:29 am

Ooh, I'd love to talk with you about this if we were better friends.

My question hasn't even come up (here in the blog--I'm sure you've thought it), and it raises more and more questions about who we are.


rm_abutoo2 replies on 6/28/2006 8:50 am:
talking about things that we normally don't is what makes people better friends

canuhandle1968 50F

6/28/2006 11:13 am

I'm recalling your post regarding "random acts", and your reply to me was that the small acts of kindness can sometimes be harder than the big ones. Although this is not merely an act of kindness, but a sacrifice to ensure your son's future and happiness, it's still big! Kinda' brings a cliche' to mind... "when one door closes, another one opens". Not to say you're closing the door on your son and your ex, but that the road ahead is free. I think that we have purposes for our life that must be met (as predestined by our Maker) and until a certain purpose has been met, we don't move forward. You have afforded your son a real chance at a good upbringing with a close-knit family. And by your sacrifice you're giving him and proving to him your unconditional love. I admire you!! And I respect you...


rm_abutoo2 replies on 6/28/2006 11:35 am:
the door thing is very appropriate. And so is your thought about not closing the door. That's my viewpoint too. Some changes are coming in my life.

and stop saying you admire and respect me. You just want my body! lol

canuhandle1968 50F

6/29/2006 4:57 am

Oh baby, you KNOW I want you!! (slobbering and drooling right now!!)


rm_abutoo2 replies on 6/29/2006 11:20 am:
lol

Become a member to create a blog