Ghosts that never die.  

rm_abutoo2 45M
708 posts
7/1/2006 3:44 pm

Last Read:
7/3/2006 11:30 am

Ghosts that never die.

Abuse sucks. If you're in a relationship that's abusive my advice to you is to realize your good enough to be alone. Nobody needs to put up with it, in any form. Easier said than done I know.
It's hard to seperate people from your life. Learned responses from abuse never goes away. Not completely. Not ever.
As time goes on, the triggers that bring back memories and the anxieties decrease, the intervals between the memories get longer. But, you don't ever really forget. The ones that don't get an opportunity to learn and teach themselves how to respond differently are doomed to act the same way later in their lives.
There is comfort in the familiar. It's easier to tolerate a bad situation than it is to say "the hell with this shit," and strike out for the unknown. As far as I'm concerned. Abuse is when one or the other seeks to control and dominate others around them through fear, intimidation, strength, power, violence, or hell anything really... pick your poison. Love has nothing to do with abuse either. And the FEELINGS never go away for good. They just go away for now. When you feel fear, love, loss, at extreme levels then I don't think you ever totally get over it.

I believe that people stay in bad situations for two reasons:
1) the abuser has something that the other person wants or needs -- shelter, money, food, drugs, booze, companionship (hey, anyone is better than no one to some) etc...

2) Fear. This can take a few forms. Fear of retaliation for leaving, fear of being alone and not being able to make it... fear in any form.

There is a saying that I like to keep in mind when I'm around people, or in a situation, that make me nervous. "The first time I'm a victim, the second time I'm a volunteer."
To me this says that when I find myself in situations that causes me misery or grief, if I feel I was used, it may not be my fault the FIRST time. If I return and place myself back in that position, then it is my fault.
When fear is inside a household, and everyone is afraid of one person. Life sucks. Why should a child EVER be afraid to wake his father from a nap? Why should a kid be afraid to show a report card? Even through shame, they should know that mom and dad are going to help them. Kids that have to get told to put their shirt on when company comes over so that the bruises don't show. Kids that don't get food as punishment. Moms and Dads that belittle and name call each other. Husbands beating wives, wives beating husbands.
The physical stuff is bad enough. But the mental shit is the stuff that nightmares are made of.

I really don't know how to close this post. All I can say is this: your happiness is up to you. You have the power within you to take care of yourself. God will provide you with the opportunity and the people that you need when you're truly ready to step out of a bad deal. Trust, faith, courage. Don't ever let anyone treat you like shit. Even if it's just talking down to you. You're a somebody just by being alive. Take charge of your life and you will find everything you need. Maybe not everything you want. And for certain, you'll have to work harder to get it by yourself. But what you gain can't be measured in cost.
Self-esteem, respect, self-worth, value in yourself, love... and most importantly, freedom from fear.
Please, if you're reading this and in a situation that you need out of, get out. Find a way, make a plan, and run run run!


7/1/2006 6:25 pm

What you've said here is very true. I was in an abusive marriage with a son. I've been divorced for over 3 years and only recently did I finally figure out why I stayed so long. And you are right, it was fear. Not fear that I couldn't make it on my own. I've always had a good job and made good money, so that wasn't an issue. It was the fear that I couldn't handle being a parent on my own. I grew up without a mother and my father, although physically there, was not a true father figure. I never felt loved as a child and was told more than once that I was never wanted. True, in many ways I've been able to move past those issues. However, my own confidence in my parenting abilities is shaky. Once I realized that my marriage was destroying both my son and I, I knew I had to leave and I did.

rm_abutoo2 replies on 7/2/2006 1:04 am:
Good for you and once a fear is faced it begins to lose it's power.

smoothnjuicy4u 51F

7/2/2006 6:27 am

hopes this awakens someone.

rm_abutoo2 replies on 7/2/2006 1:51 pm:
me too. thanks for dropping by

safereturns 48F

7/2/2006 4:34 pm

The first time I'm a victim, the second time I'm a volunteer.

Wow, thanks!

I just received a VERY harsh email from my ex--bluntly said I was soiled to him because of my fun with the brothers last night--but you know what? I don't FEEL soiled. He's my ex, for goodness' sake!

I would have apologized. Glad I caught your blog in time.

How many times do I have to apologize for being me?

Thanks much. Timing was awesome. It's nice to work on my growth rather than my relationships.

rm_abutoo2 replies on 7/2/2006 6:10 pm:
don't have to apologize to an ex for doing anyone... unless you do your ex. LOL

Become a member to create a blog