rm_XxXbutterfly 51F
112 posts
1/25/2006 7:12 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm


promise number umpteen something and one . :::: I promise i will never step purposely on the edge or middle or drag my feet for extra scattering power .. thru any old persons rocks .. ( yards ... )
here in arizona its pretty popular especially in retirement areas to have little rocks .. jagged ones .. millions and gazillions of them . scattered all thru your yard .. in any number of colors .. instead of grass. .. pretty hilarious huh? dont tell me . youd put grass in your yard cuz thats what you had back home in illinois ... wont the saguaro and side winders and three buffalo be glad for all that grass .. while they're dying of dehydration .. haa haa ha.
i went to do my moms yard today .
never raked rocks for leaves and debris before . ive always been the one to hear my grandma or grandpa say .. get off the neighbors rocks. and thinking they were off their rockers .. did a jig right thru those stupid rocks .. walking off certain .. i did them all a favor by reminding them life is not linear .. .. if god wanted rocks to be in perfect straight lines he would have made raking them while under the influence a felony stop . or install photo rake radar .. and send demands of outrageous amounts of money .. because they care .. that photo radar speed ticket in the mail is bunch a bullshit like i cant ... even consider cooperating with .. i was going eleven over . but it could be twenty or thirty . no cops stops you and says .. hey dork .. youre going too fast .. you are going to hit some buffalo or side winder .. trying to suck the water out of the grass if you dont slow down.. fuck no.. no one stops nothing you dont even know youve put others at risk .. you just keep going your fifteen or twenty or whatever over the speed limit all the way home .. thru river and dale and school zone and never be any slower or safer or serve the public any better. ( cops.. to protect and serve .. ... photo radar ... to collect money from people before they take out a few pedestrians and go to jail ..

i ended up hiding some of the leaves back under the bushes . and my linear lines were so badly incongruent .. my mom asked me if i was drunk .

no .. i dont drink but one or two every soooo often .

while i was raking and my mom was holding the garbage bag she told me the doctor found what she believes is a metastastis of her cancer .. on her liver .

i knew i would not set a thanksgiving table with a place for her, sing an offtune christmas carol with her, or bang her pots and pans with a wooden spoon making the kids laugh at the memory how they spent many a new years eve when they were little and grandma babysat and me and their dad went out .. again... not a minute went by from october thru january with out me aware .. unless i can stop time right there .. the next time im there.. will be nothing like anything i ve ever known..

when my birthday comes .. she will not be on the other end of a phone call singing happy birthday in her purposely obnoxious twangy .. funny .. mom being silly and loving me .. voice.

stop ..
this isnt about you..
you selfish daughter.

its not really that i m selfish .. ot so much .. its that when i think of my mom dying being in pain .. and gagging and throwing up and being scared and lingering .. .. and standing there like she did today . holding the bag so i could dump more leaves and rocks in it . standing there so little .. fragile.. having lost so much weight shes always been so little anyways . telling me they think its spread to her liver. and asking me if it ll be ok.. like i ve asked her .. alot of times .. i will never forget the look in her eyes. after awhile .. not long . seemed like it but it was probably only a matter of twenty seconds. i looked and told her . i think our time here together in any case . is too short .. and alittle while later when i was almost done and she was walking into the house via the patio .. i said ' hey mom.. whatever time we got left.. lets live it... whatever you feel ok enough to do .

she stopped and turned around with the door half way open . and looked at me and said . ok luanne she went in . i finished up . spilled chololate shake melted all over the outdoor patio set and the rocks . and my shoes . and had to hose it off.. right i mean right when i was all thru and put the broom and rake and garbage bags full of rocks andleaves in my trunk . and was grabbing the shit i had placed on the table and calling it a day . splat..

god .. buddha .. sun .. moon.. light.. power.. peace .. love.... life.. higher conciencness.. part of me .. ive never understood the big road block at the offical title .. seems to me like some big ass excuse for not getting down to the real issues at hand.. like thou shalt not kill. thou shall not steal.. ya know the . shit .. we all agree on . the big old bottom line . the human part of being human . the supperior species responsiblitiy act . thats what they should call it . so .. yoo hoo. whats his or her ... black white red yellow opaque . bright .. wearing a toga with long hair . a kinda overweight bald asian man with a cloth covering his dick and butt at least thats what the statue depicts . what ever your offical title is . please. remember my mom .. when it comes time to bring some people up... maybe let her enjoy a burger king croissant a time or two . without throwing up . hey . give her an urge to smoke weed. FREE HER OF THE BELIEF OUR GOVERNMENT IS MAKING DECISIONS BEST FOR OUR WELL BEING .. CUZ ITS NOT TRUE ANYMORE.. AND THAT SHE IS NO MORE A CRIMINAL FOR SMOKING weed THEN HER NURSE IS FOR STICKING BATTERY ACID IN HER IV.... . if its time .. remember her . next time or the time after that YOU call upon life .. here in this place to end. PLEASE .. REMEMBER HER.. IF ITS TIME . and ill be ok.. IF ALL I HAVE IS THE CHOICE TO HAVE HER HERE SO ILL AND IN PAIN AND IN FEAR . OR TO KNOW SHE S SOMEWHERE IT DOESNT HURT ANYMORE BUT SOMEWHERE SHE CANT SING ... SO I CAN HEAR HER .. WHEN IT COMES AROUND MY BIRTHDAY AGAIN.. ID GIVE ANYTHING FOR HER TO BE THERE .. WHERE I CANT HEAR HER SING ANYMORE.. SHE PURPOSELY DOES IT IN THAT OBNOXIOUS TWANGY VOICE AND WHEN THAT DAT COMES AROUND AGAIN.. I CAN PULL IT UP FROM MEMORY AND SMILE AND WISH SHE COULD HEAR ME .. PRETEND LIKE ITS NO BIG DEAL .. JUST ANOTHER DAY .. AGAIN..



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