Knowing me isnt as easy as I believed it would be...  

rm_XxXbutterfly 51F
112 posts
9/8/2005 7:04 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Knowing me isnt as easy as I believed it would be...

Dear MarK,

Im glad you walked into my life. When I’m thinking things I don’t want to think I hope I have the courage to just say it . . .but there will be times I don’t see that I have it and will try to give up and walk away., though I really don’t want to. . .it’s just my way. While I argue amongst myself there’s no telling what I may seem like to you... . Like two sides to every story which isn’t really true I m bound to get closer and pull away from you too. . . Please don’t ever think I expect you to deal with it. Cause I don’t. Maybe that’s why its difficult sometimes for me to just tell you whats going on in my mind because I really don’t see it as something you should have to deal with. You didn’t put it there.. You shouldn’t have to hear it. And I promise you, I will never forget that. I promise you I will do more of my own battle with myself - between me and me. . You’ve been drafted before . . . then were given nothing in return .. not even the honor of it. . . Do you understand I ‘m not going to let that happen to you again? I’ll walk away . . . before our time together would ever become measured by what personal “tragedy” of my own we dealt with that day. . .
The times of your life should be measured more by what you were laughing about and where you were making love and what view your flight took you too.. This is what I think of for you. . .

I’m realistic. . . you know I am. . so I’m not apt to let go at the slightest deviation from that we have that I cause. . . . But I cant guarantee I wont try to. That’s why I’m writing this… This is what I want to be sure you know. . If you feel me retreating back into myself. . . It won’t be because I don’t want to be with you . . . though it may look like that... It will be because I think your life should be measured in laughter and at that moment all I can see is the tears Im bringing.... What you choose to do then, is your own decision. I will do all I can to not let you see I’n dying inside looking at a tomorrow where you won’t want to know me.
Because I think that much of you. . .and your being truly free to make the decisions that are best for you is the very least I can give you .

.. With that having been said, I wont want to mention this again.. Each day we touch each others lives. . . no matter how much time that is. . . a phone call. . . a few hours. . . a whole day we get to do nothing but be together. . I want it to be measured more in its warmth , closeness or laughter then anything else .

Your friend,

P.S. My mother came by yesterday... I told her I met you . I knew she'd be glad. Didnt want you to think anything of it so I didnt mention it to you .. .. She was well enough to get mad at me for leaving my phone in the car.. I never thought Id welcome her unreasonable irritations with me. I celebrate every one of them now.

rm_roses2cats 61M

9/8/2005 6:33 pm

Thanks baby for your beautiful words.You have the soul of a poet. I truly feel blessed to have you come into my life. I have relished every moment we've been together. My heart is alive with you...please never feel like you need to pull back from me...I want to share your will only make us closer...the more open we are the stronger our relationship will become...don't feel as though it's best to close off and withdraw because you're somehow protecting me...I can take much more than you is complex and so are we...and with you I always experience highs, no matter what...your friend and lover...mark

rm_XxXbutterfly 51F

9/9/2005 6:57 am


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