An Apology  

rm_VoodooGuru1 50M
2116 posts
1/26/2006 6:20 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

An Apology

So, as you’ve probably noticed, my handle is VoodooGuru1; lots of you have asked why, so I’ve decided to reveal myself once and for all....

Yes, I am a powerful practitioner of voodoo. Specifically, I am of the Wu Tang sect, or, "Wu Voo."

Yep, got my magic bone, chicken feet, and John Merrick’s remains with which I control a small army of zombies (little known fact, zombies don’t really eat brains - they don’t eat at all )

I also want to take responsibility for and make a public apology for a ritual gone awry....

Everyone, I’m terribly sorry for Hurricane Katrina, it just got out of hand.

You see, I was pissed off at New Orleans for several events and insults that occurred the last time I visited. These included stale beignets one morning I went to CafĂ© du Monde to nurse a hang over, a drive-thru daiquiri shack that messed up my order by giving me a gallon of blueberry daiquiris instead of the strawberry I’d ordered, and sub-par care in the ER at the Tulane hospital. The whole trip was a “fuck with the Yankee-boy” experience.

So, I did this thing... it was only supposed to be some wind, lightening, maybe some raining of toads. It wasn’t even supposed to be a hurricane, let alone the worst since Galveston in 1900.

I can’t rebuild New Orleans; I can’t even ensure that it will be a chocolate New Orleans, as the mayor demands... best I can do is a confectionary New Orleans. So, in emulation of Earl from the TV show My Name is Earl, I’m gonna do what I can and offer my services to you.

Some of my fellow bloggers do Tarot readings, and while I respect the craft, it’s all parlor trickery compared to the fortune-telling ability of my mighty voodoo. I have the resources of my magic bone, runes, voodoo rattles, and a nude Lisa Bonet in my voodoo room ready for a chicken blood bukake session.

As an act of contrition, I’ll be your Magic 8 Ball; I offer you each one question about your future which I will answer to the best of my ability.

.
.
.



Rowan_Taltos 49F

1/26/2006 10:08 am

Just to let you know Katrina, wasn't exactly all your fault. Her wrath was planted the day the day, that name wound up on the list.

Now, onto my question...

Will I get exactly who I want in a permanent arrangement?


rm_VoodooGuru1 50M
2053 posts
1/26/2006 12:12 pm

Rowan_Taltos - Permanence is an illusion; just because the lady is still does not mean she is in repose.

That said, the chicken tells me no, you will not get exactly who you want; however, you will eventually find yourself in a comfortable relationship.


need2havfun76 41M

1/26/2006 2:49 pm

OH Powerful Practioner of Voodoo of the Wu Voo Sect...Will I get to participate in the threesome or orgi of my dreams? (thats two or more beautiful girls and me, other options are currently not of my dreams)


newsready 50F

1/26/2006 4:12 pm

That is too funny, and here I thought all this time it was a natrual disaster. Watch out or the goverment will be sending you the bill for the clean up.


rm_VoodooGuru1 50M
2053 posts
1/26/2006 5:12 pm

need2havfun76 - YES! The blood pattern is a big yes on that one, buddy.

The chicks will be hot; however, there won't be any hot girl-on-girl action because one of them will be completely het. Ouch! It also looks like she'll be the one with the strap-on.

newsready - I got voodoo to keep myself hidden from the federales. What's your question?


PrincessKarma 44F
6188 posts
1/26/2006 8:03 pm

O Wu Voo, the wise and powerful... which of my current suitors is The One?

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma


redmartinigirl 44F

1/26/2006 11:53 pm

O wise voodoo one.... is blogland real or fiction?


rm_VoodooGuru1 50M
2053 posts
1/27/2006 5:00 am

Oh, PK the persecuted, Lisa Bonet is slathered in the blood of four chickens and reveals The One to be... Neo!

(I trust her as an agent of portent, but I will make the disclaimer that she's still pissed at Jada Pinkett Smith for "stealing that role" from her.)


rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
1/27/2006 7:04 am

Did you know the egg is the symbol of the soul, Angel Heart?

Btw.......you will never find out how how I make Ambrosia, NEVER!!!!!!


Rowan_Taltos 49F

1/27/2006 7:35 am

Leave it up to the chicken, to reveal exactly what I dont want to hear.


rm_VoodooGuru1 50M
2053 posts
1/27/2006 10:25 am

humboldthonni - no. Your lifecycles are out of sync; two or three lives from now and you will live with her for many years, but you will be Canadian, and she will be Eskimo.

She says she's willing to watch you masturbate if you think of her hard enough, and if you learn to spell her name properly.

redmartinigirl - perception is reality.

[blog saintlianna] - if I can't have it, no one shall! Already I have dispatched zombies and economic ninjas to seize control of the WPA marshmallow market. MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!


rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
1/27/2006 6:50 pm

Trying to save money by using cheap ninjas, eh? Sorry aint gonna happen.


rm_VoodooGuru1 50M
2053 posts
1/27/2006 9:12 pm

[blog saintlianna] - no, I'm not talking about outsourced Asian ninjas in black suits, I'm talking about economic ninjas - mostly JDs & MBAs - in Brooks Brothers Suits. These ninjas are expensive; the zombies are cheap. And MY ninjas don't dance around menacingly while each attacks the opponent in turn - they all attack at once!


MissAnnThrope 57F
11488 posts
1/28/2006 2:35 am

You know, I thought your name was a bastardiation of the Hoodoo Gurus. However...

Excuse me. I am Satan, you are NOT. In other words, Robert DeNiro to your Mickey Rourke. (Notice I still have a career.) I caused Hurrican Katrina. It had NOTHING to do with your damned drive through order. It had nothing to do with homosexuals or lebians either, no matter what the fundies say. Wanna know why I destroyed New Orleans? TOO MANY GOD DAMNED STUPID FUCKING IDIOT TOURISTS! I hate tourists. Now, are we clear?

But as you seem to think you have super secret eerie powers of divination, here is my question... If you continue to impersonate me, the mighty Satan, will you find yourself in the hereafter living in a condo next to Richard Nixon?


rm_VoodooGuru1 50M
2053 posts
1/28/2006 7:27 am

MissAnnThrope - Satan? Sorry, I thought you were masquerading as Anna Wintour these past few years. I guess The Devil wears a strap-on, eh?

Eternity with Dick scares me far less than with Mickey Rourke, I'll tell ya that. And tell that little bitch Pat Robertson that he'd better be waiting with a pitcher of sweet tea for me when I get there!


rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
1/28/2006 9:36 am

Ok, and I suppose your volcanic lair is really a penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park. Tell Donald Trump that I said "Hiya".


rm_FreeLove999 47F
16127 posts
1/28/2006 1:54 pm

LOL! what fun! can you tell me if my book will actually, FINALLY, get published this year???





[blog freelove999]


rm_VoodooGuru1 50M
2053 posts
1/30/2006 4:13 am

[blog freelove999] - Oooh, this is a tough one. I see... yes, it will be... self-published.

But then, after a magnesium-like flash beginning, it will be banned in every sub-saharan country except Lesotho.


rm_FreeLove999 47F
16127 posts
2/5/2006 1:03 pm

banned???

GREAT!!! that's just my intention --- to boost sales



[blog freelove999]


rm_FreeLove999 47F
16127 posts
2/5/2006 1:05 pm

(my astro chart does say that i won't be famous so much as notorious )



[blog freelove999]


Become a member to create a blog