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Mediocre meanderings
 
Ridiculous rants and apathetic tirades from beyond reality.
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
Callous Bastards
Posted:Sep 6, 2006 7:40 pm
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2006 8:21 pm
2399 Views

My week was going rather well, until I received a call from my mom yesterday informing me my had passed away.
It's pretty much ruined my week. I was hoping to get to see her when I went home to visit in October.
You know how you can miss someone terribly, but the notion that you'll see them again keeps you sane? It's a different sort of longing when you realize you will never see them again. Heartbreaking really.
She called me at work to tell me. I freaked out and started bawling like a 5 year old girl. My manager then asks what's up and I fill him in. The next words that exited his mouth were so callous I wish I had socked him dead in his shit. "At least it's not a person that died."
FUCK YOU! You insensitive, apathetic, emotionless cocksucker. No, it's actually worse than if it were a person. It's a creature that couldn't express it's suffering. She may as well have been my mother. She was my best fucking friend. She, unlike 99% of the human population, never was deceitful, selfish, cruel. She didn't deserve to die. She didn't deserve to suffer.
I realize that's the cycle of life...I see death every day where I work, and I cope. It's different when it's yours. There's no coping...just sorrow, and time.
This is why I refuse to adopt any more animals. I don't do well with parting ways with loved ones.
0 Comments
Come Over
Posted:Jul 26, 2006 6:05 pm
Last Updated:Oct 4, 2006 8:32 pm
2415 Views

As of late I've been contemplating the various aspects of my life in which I find very little or no happiness...and I've reached a conclusion: I enjoy having perspective, even if it means the catalyst for perspective involves copious amounts of anguish.

I haven't really decided how fucked up this thought process is yet, but I'm leaning toward the unhealthy end of the spectrum.

It sems so much easier for me to find the wrong than the right these days. I have an unquenchable thirst for misery, a heartfelt desire to know that I can conquer whatever life throws at me...which I've reasoned equals undertaking emotions, feelings, challenges that may not be sane or healthy. It's a sick "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mentality. Death has become so prevalent in my life that I'm almost numb to it, but cannot seem to seperate myself from the reality of it entirely. I don't want to be robotic, though I can see the benefits of living a life without emotion. I'm starting to think at some point in the next 2 years I may have to change professions. I wonder if human medicine is different. Being the emo-dumbass-liberal I am, I would tend to think watching people die would be easier than watching animals die. We are all so flawed and destructive, while animals seem to assume an aura of innocence and grace that simply is. I LOVE my job, I love that I have the opportunity to contribute to saving a furry life. I hate that I become attached to animals that never even have half a chance. I abhor the fact that there is only so much I can do, that sometimes the best outcome for an animal is death. I despise watching suffering, and being powerless to stop it. I hate that finance plays such a huge role in whether or not the opportunity to live is granted. Would I euthanize my grandmother if she became ill and I couldn't afford treatment? Hell fucking no. Who decided animals are our property? Who made that fucking rule? They sure as shit didn't, and it strikes me as tragically unfair that because animals can't communicate in our language we discount them as being less than...less important, less deserving, less inspiring.

As a I hated school with such a passion I often found myself wishing to be reincarnated as a or cat in my next life. How atrociously naive is that? After witnessing the suffering of creatures unable to express their predicaments, I think I'll pass on the reincarnation scene.

Why is my heart so full of emptiness? How can one person allow themselves to become attached to any and everything that will ultimately end in heartbreak? This is my fatal flaw, this is where empathy becomes a bitter cyanide capsule. I want to see the sun, the glass half full and a plethora of varied cliches promoting positivity. If it's what I want, why wont I allow myself to grasp it?

My current position allows for much less attachment than when I was an emergency medicine tech, certainly, but it is not without its woes and complications. Situations in which the remedy is so involved and convoluted it becomes an exhausting chore to simply sort out the details.Where has the energy I once had to cope with these situations gone? It's like adrenal exhaustion, only emotional.

But tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow may bring inspiration and randomly amazing recoveries. I want to feel that sense of hope I had when I was religious...over a decade ago. If it wasn't such a facade, a hopeless coping mechanism, I might just entertain the notion of christianity once more. But I'm grown now, and Santa is dead.



Come Over

Come over,
and let me lay my head on your shoulder.
I don't care who you are, who you vote for, or what your life's ambition is...
all I want, is a cozy place, to lay my head, as I drift away

Come over, and don't lie to me or act as if there's a cosmic connection
Lay with me and tell me, everythings ok
as long as I lay, with my head on your shoulder

Come over, and rescue me from this infinite lonliness
that causes me to act without fear of consequence
and has me crying myself to sleep

All I wanted, I could've had
yet threw it away, in untimely confidence
A facade of strength, and all I want
is to feel your heart in my ear
and you, will never exist or see, the misery behind these actions
0 Comments
I'm outtie, I'm ghost, I'm gone...so laters
Posted:Sep 15, 2005 2:00 pm
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2006 10:11 pm
3379 Views
I got the job. It's a done deal. I'm moving to D.C. And they want me there Monday. Being as it's Thursday and I haven't even found a place up there, that ain't gonna happen. But I'm thrilled. So thrilled in fact, I just may pee my pants and scream like a school girl.
0 Comments
Another change of plans...
Posted:Sep 13, 2005 11:48 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3186 Views

If there is one thing about me that remains a constant, it is my ability to operate day to day with a completely different gameplan than the previous day.

Today brings about a new change of pace. It seems as if I may be moving back to my hometown of Washington D.C. for a position doing the same damn thing I was doing here before I decided to trash my career and quit my job.

I'm happy about the prospective move and change of scenery. As I've stated many times over, I hate Texas. I'm sick to death of it. The politics, the people, the climate, the everything. Yeah, D.C. isn't that much different, but at least there are white Christmas' on occasion, and really, that's enough of an incentive for me at this point in my life.

It was on a whim that I even applied for this position, considering I didn't even have an up to date resume until 3 hours prior to faxing it in. I half assed it, as I couldn't seem to locate the old stand by, and it was suprisingly the best resume I've written to date. Which is why when 12 minutes after I sent it by fax that I recieved a voicemail from these folks stating their interest that I about peed my pants with glee and amazement. Truly astonishing. So, if all goes as planned, I'll be on my way outta this hellhole in a matter of weeks. And if not, I'm still leaving, I'm just not quite as sure where I'll be going to.
0 Comments
Good goddamn it's been awhile
Posted:Aug 18, 2005 1:48 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3545 Views

Holy hell. The past 2 months have been a rollercoaster ride of emotional torment and anguish. Heartbreak and healing, and various stages of in-between.

After my fathers death, I indulged excessively in the drink, the nose candy, all forms of pills, only to realize the error of my ways. I slept through an entire week only leaving the cozy confines of my bed for bathroom breaks. Fortunately, I ran out of Ambien, Sonata, and Soma, and was thus forced to awaken and deal with life, and the passing of my father.

For the past 3 weeks I've been on the road, from Texas to the Florida Keys and back. It has been cathartic to say the least, if not somewhat unsettling as well.

I find myself back here in Austin, blogging my life, or lack thereof, away. I had quit my job and am still unemployed. Though being broke is rather boring, my gainful unemployment has its perks.

I'm currently looking for a job to save up enough money for a 6 month roadtrip across America. Seeing the US was never high on my list of priorities, but I have an itch to become a rolling stone, and so it must be fulfilled.

One thing I've gleaned from the death of my father is that life is much too short to spend it at some bs 9-5 job I hate. Hence my plans for travel.
0 Comments
Another Shitty Week
Posted:Jun 27, 2005 6:52 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4248 Views

Got a call yesterday from my dad's best friend. He died. So, I don't what's in store, but suffice it say, I wont be doing much if any AFFing for quite some time.
0 Comments
Fuckin suicide
Posted:Jun 21, 2005 1:46 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2006 11:35 pm
4324 Views

A friend of mine thought it necessary to try and off himself today. So, when I have to, I will call police on suicidal friends...which was exactly what I did, and gee, he made it. So, somebody's going to get their mutha truckin kneecaps busted yo, cause that shit isnt right. I'm mad, shaken, disturbed, and relieved. It's been a long night folks, I'm glad it's over. To anyone contemplating suicide ever: stop it you whiny selfish fuck...life's a bitch, grow up and take it like a man. That being said, I do love my friend. Why does everyone keep tryin to die on me? Am I really that awful a companion? Fake your death bitches, or know you'll being seeing the cops if you involve my ass.
0 Comments
Well Hello
Posted:Jun 20, 2005 5:38 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4550 Views
I am gainfully unemployed as of last Friday at 5 pm. Yep, I had a heart to heart with the fax machine at work and told those assclowns to suck it. How good does it feel to be free you ask? Damn good. Priceless. However, during my last shift I acted extraordinarily juvenile and spent three long minutes cursing directly at my boss via the surveillance camera. And yes, both middle fingers were raised the ENTIRE time. I do believe I used every profane word in the english language, and damn happy I did. Sometimes, when you've been taken for granted repeatedly, a release such as this, immature as it may be, is utterly necessary for closure. And yes, the boss did see and hear it all, because he left me a voicemail to let me know, in case I was operating under the assumption the tapes werent viewed. GOOD...I'm not the type to say or do something if I don't want word getting around. So, I'm chillin...and enjoying every goddamned last second of it. The ol' man has improved slightly, so that's a bonus. I've been employed full time for the past 8 years, so this is a nice break, even if brought about by tragedy. Opportunistic? You betcha. It appears as hard as I try to fight the good fight against monogamy, I'm failing miserably. That's right, even I have feelings, frigid as I tend to be these days. Watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the 6th time this morning. I'm frightened by how much I relate to Clementine's persona. I get bored far too easily to be monogamous, even when infatuation is involved. This guy is the bomb though, yo. Deviant in the bedroom and damn sweet to his grandfolks...and a chivalrous bastard to boot. Though to be quite honest I fall in love a dozen times daily. I cannot help it. I love men. The way they think, talk, act...I'm boy crazy. This is my fatal flaw. Everyone has something that fascinates me about them, and yet I cannot draw the line at just friendship as of late. I try, I plead, I try. Never works. Maybe because I don't want it to (shh, that's a secret) or maybe because you men are too goddamned skilled at being persuasive. At any rate, moving to a state where I don't know a single soul, and where the demographic is 70 year old married men, will be good for me. I need to take time off the guy scene and pull myself together. Hopefully all the men in Florida will be bufugly, ignorant, and uber conservative. What will truly bite is being even further away from perfect boy, though this may prove to be beneficial rather than detrimental. Dating someone 140 miles away is difficult and confusing to say the least. Havent gotten this one pegged yet, as we only see each other every other weekend on average. Already the L word has been professed, and talk of living together is open for discussion. None of this, I might add, was of my doing. In fact, the L word fiasco was somewhat akin to that Seinfeld episode where George keeps saying it to the woman who is supposedly deaf in her left ear. Well, I DIDNT hear the words the first 2 times, because apparently I'm either dense, deaf, or have selective hearing. When what had been said was clarified, I responded with similar verbage. Oh, I am the fool. I meant what I said, or I wouldnt have said it, but bringing it to light so early on makes me question his motives. I'm a suspicious bitch to say the least, love only demands further suspicion. So perhaps I am making the mistake of a lifetime....I truly could care less in certain ways. My fear is that this "relationship" is lust driven, as most of mine have tended to be, but I suppose only time and lack of sex will tell. I was hoping early on to eliminate this guy as a serious candidate because he doesnt want , and though I'm young, I know I do. Sure, it'll be years from now, possibly a decade, but this is what tore my marriage to shreds in a matter of months. Hmm...I seem to have a propensity for falling for guys that will never "pan out." Intentional? Probable. I am so confused. I just want to enjoy life, and not question the future. I don't even know whether or not I'll be alive tomorrow. I could get hit by a bus, or fall down the stairs and break my neck, clutz that I am. So why worry? Because I'm tired of opening my heart to someone that ultimately does not deserve entry. Love is like a cruel joke. Today is one of those days where I feel as if I have nothing to offer. I'm not morose or even upset by that, just feels weird.
0 Comments
I have a bra, I am truly fortunate
Posted:Jun 16, 2005 6:15 pm
Last Updated:Apr 23, 2006 7:47 pm
4621 Views
Wow. So I'm driving around earlier this morning after giving notice at work and being shat upon, literally and figuratively. That infernal cell phone of mine starts its irritating "escalating ring" bullshit. It's my mamacita asking me to give homebro a ride to school. Remember now I am poor. I have, by my innately and intrisically wise calculations, exactly $0.75 worth of gas in my car. It's gotten to no air conditioner while driving mode. And the skies open up as I agree and shit on me once more. I'm starting to doubt that whole altruistic karma idea. So I do the right thing, then stop by the ex's for some damn good java and pretty damn good conversation. Prior to this I spend my last $4.42, well all but nine cents of it anyhow buying cigarettes. Yup, I have my priorities fuckin straight. So, leaving the ex's I'm overcome with self pity, rocking out in my hot as hell car to sad sappy tunes. This next part is going to sound bad, but truly was a moment of profundity for me. Perhaps it was sleep deprivation, or lingering illness that inspired this spiritual insight, I dunno. Well, out of nowhere a morbidly obese woman trucks into my view...a morbidly obese woman with no bra in 100 degree humid ass weather. And that my friends, is when I realized how fuckin lucky my stupid ass was. I have a bra damnit. And a car, and house, and AC, and music, and love. Yeah, so after that brought everything into perspective for me the sky quit shitting on me, and I smiled. It doesnt matter how much I hate management at my job- I'm leaving, or how much I owe who even though my storage unit is in "lien"- they're just material possessions, or how miniscule I feel frequently- I'm human. I guess what I'm getting at is nothing matters because I'm not letting it anymore, for the moment...and that's a nice feeling. Everything that happens has an outcome contingent on my outlook, so why should I torture myself? Life for once feels truly meaningless, and some may find that sad or unsettling, but I find it comforting. It creates a (delusional) feeling of invincibility. I suppose it's along the lines of the corny mind over matter school of thought. To my employer I say FUCK YOU, you have no concept of employee worth. I hope you have a terribly difficult time filling my shoes, because damn if you didn't take advantage of my willingness and kindness. So bitter today...I hate being unappreciated. I hate watching everyone around me fuck off and get away with it. I have a lot of pent up hatred today. That place is damn toxic, and it's contaminating me with its negativity and cynicism. Know what I wont miss when I'm deep sea fishing in Florida? Having to release an animal in pain and half-dead AMA because some selfish fuck would rather exploit and neglect their pet by choice, not because of finances, not for any reason at all, just because they get to decide. Free will...some people aren't even fortunate enough to have this, but animals, animals get the shit end of the stick. Who's more intelligent, the wage slaves scurrying frantically to keep up with technology and The Jones's, or the god damned bird flying free? I'm starting to think we may be the stupidest species alive, bent on destruction in the name of gluttony. And yes, that was a tangent of morbidity. I am a dichotomy...a contradiction in terms...manic depressive, bipolar? Always ecstatic yet filled with sorrow, morose yet gleeful, informed and ignorant. Is that the human condition? Most of this will probably make sense only to me, because I'm really going off in a thousand different directions, and under the influence of substances. No, I have successfully avoided the snow for all you folks that automatically jumped to that conclusion. I have wasted so much time trying to get "somewhere" only to realize that I've missed so much in the process. Trite and cliche as that may sound, it's the way I feel. Feelings, what a strange yet chemically based spiritual occurance those are. I should be sleeping, I have to be to work by 9:30 tonight. It's now 1:22...that gives me negative 1 hour 22 minutes to fuck around. To everyone that volunteered to drive with me to Big Pine....THANK YOU! But I do believe I have found my roadbuddy...I'm lookin at you Houston So, I suppose instead of expounding upon my morbid philosophies (if you can call them that) I should be doing my Big Pine plans. Yeah, I guess I'd better get on that
God damned TPS reports
1 comment
Dear Employer
Posted:Jun 15, 2005 8:45 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4537 Views
OK folks. It's settled. I'm giving my two weeks notice at work tonight. I couldnt be happier. Next month, I'll be in the Florida Keys sipping fresh orange juice and fishing my ass off. This albino may just get a tan. I'm very excited, even with the circumstances being what they are. I'm moving to Big Pine to take care of my father, who is dying, or at least appears to be headed down that road in the very near future. He's still on a ventilator and they're going to transfer him up to Miami, where hopefully, he'll be receiving superior medical care that the assclowns in Marathon cannot seem to muster. So, I'm sad on one hand that my dad is dying, on the other, I'm happy to have some time with him before he passes. And of course, being a fisherman is my dream job, so I'll be fulfillling the career aspect of it all. It's been exactly 10 years since I've seen my dad, and 10 years since I've lived in the Keys. I have only fond memories of the last summer spent there, and I'm hoping I can find peace within myself as I did on my last Florida journey. I have missed scuba diving and boating like no one's business, so those are on my list of priorities when I arrive, second only to quality time with the old man. Everything still feels very surreal, and as much as I've grown to hate my job, I will miss it. Giving notice will be the hardest part about leaving. Well, that and my discount going away. I've decided to take only my doberman Kemlo, and the kittens, and Moto and Fat Al my kitties with me. Luna, Pip, Ace, Gollum, Xena, and Thom will stay with my mom and grandfolks, as it will be hard enough to fit 4 cats and a into my Corolla with my stuff and a friend to help drive. Speaking of friends, I need a male to accompany me down there, cause driving the South route alone, with or without a doberman is damn dangerous...especially with my history of narcolepsy. SO, that said, any volunteers? I would pay for your plane ticket back, and there is always the option of hanging out with lovely me for as long as you'd like in magnificent Big Pine Key. I plan to spend the majority of my days there exploring the uninhabited islands off the keys, and the great ocean that surrounds. My only requirement: you drive when I start to nod off on the road. My first instinct was to drive straight through, but after expounding upon this notion in my wee little head, I've decided to make at least one stop if not two, and stay in hotels. It will be a much easier and funner trip this way. IM SO FUCKING EXCITED I CAN BARELY THINK STRAIGHT!!!
1 comment
Sleepy and smiling
Posted:Jun 13, 2005 2:25 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4222 Views

Woke up a little bit ago next to something warm and snuggly, and in my half awake haze ended up frenching my Luna.....yiiick! What a way to start the day. Went downstairs for my morning ritual of blueberry tea and newspaper reading, and according to my horoscope, I need to quit being such an apathetic loser and get my shit together. I think I've decided how I'm going to spend the summer though, so that's a start, however, it doesnt involve much education to my dismay. I am going to Florida folks. That's right, I'm spending the next 3 months in glorious Big Pine Key, and what will I do for a living while I'm there? I'll be fishing. What could be more relaxing? Nothing. I love to fish, and I love free rent, so I think, barring the untimely demise of my father, that is my game plan. It has been exactly 10 years since I lived with my dad, and 10 years since I've seen him. I think its appropriate I spend what are probably his last months with him. So much has happened in terms of major life changes lately. I'm ready to move, I'm a wee bit sick of Austin, and could use the vacation. My only reservations lie in quitting my job. I love my co-workers and my job, though I imagine if I play my cards right I can look forward to returning to a job should I decide to ever come back to Austin. I've been seeing a man that lives in Houston for a few months now, and am torn about the move due to being infatuated with him, but I cannot spend another 5 years waiting on some guy. If it was meant to be serious, my time in Florida will only be a brief interlude of lonliness, and lonliness is definitely something I know how to handle, so I'm not too worried. Ah, the codeine is kicking in once again and I find myself falling asleep at the old keyboard, so I suppose with that I will bid everyone a good night
0 Comments
Tricky
Posted:Jun 9, 2005 8:12 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4185 Views

Well, went to the doctor finally and he hooked me up with the lovely Tussionex, that magical concoction of chlorpheneramine and codeine, and some sweet antibiotics. I'm still feeling like ass, but at least now I can sleep the day away. My fever finally broke and my joints are feeling much better. Sitting at the coffeehouse with a friend last night listening to bits and pieces of conversation at neighboring tables, I was struck by how inane words are. Why do we spend hours talking about petty insignificant topics? I feel as if I should have been born a mute. Words tire me, they are a facade, a misrepresentation of intrinsic character. When I look someone in the eye I feel I know them better than if we were to blab on for years even. So much is said when words arent spoken and true nature is revealed. Perhaps this is why so many people feel it necessary to ramble on obnoxiously, to detract attention away from the obvious.
0 Comments
Febrile and lethargic...
Posted:Jun 8, 2005 4:10 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3578 Views
are probably the best words to describe me right now. For the past 24 hours I've been running a 102.4 degree temperature. My throat is swollen to the point of being unable to breathe when I lay down, the room keeps spinning, and my body keeps alternating between cold sweats, chills, and that dry firey feeling that makes your skin feel like hot paper. I am MISERABLE...and it's all my own doing. Chalk it up to nasal debauchery of the snow white variety. Damn am I stupid or what? I now have a full on sinus infection, my lungs feel as if they are filled with fluid, and I can barely stay conscious long enough to pee. Ughhhhhhhhhh. To top it all off, I can't eat solid food, and what I've been able to drink keeps deciding my stomach is not its home. For fucks sake, I have learned my lesson. Talked with my ex yesterday, and I've come to the conclusion that he never was in love with me. He was a guilt ridden man trying to balance his karma by trying to love me. A bit of a disappointment really, as I can honestly say in the beginning I was truly in love with him. Reciprocity is a bitch. All my friends are either out of town for the summer or moving away. One guy I've been seeing for a couple of months now decided to venture out on a limb and use that tragic "L" word. Damn him, then he asked me to move in with him. I don't know why, but I seem to inspire this sort of impulsive behavior in men. Every man I've ever seriously dated decides to ask that fatal question about a month into the relationship, and it's getting old. I feel as if I could fall in love with any and everyone sometimes. There are days when I wonder if my uncoditional acceptance of people in general is what fuels this behavior. I am comfortable, easy going, non-judgemental...to sum it up, I'm safety. So instead of inspiring action I inspire settling. For me this sucks, because I'm always wondering if men are "in love" with me, or the comfortable pillow I provide. I miss having someone to hold, I miss having my hair stroked and dainty kisses on my eyelids. Carousing about has certainly been fun, but days like today, when I'm too miserable to even get dressed, I long for someone to just tell me everything will be ok and hold me. Well, I'm going to attempt to summon the energy to make it to the ER for some antibiotics before I have to go into work.
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Most Recent Comments by Others

Post Poster Post Date
Callous Bastards (5)Jayneedaffection
Oct 10, 2006 1:06 am
Come Over (5)rm_locke218
Sep 18, 2006 6:17 pm
Another change of plans... (5)james1138tx
Sep 15, 2005 6:06 pm
I'm outtie, I'm ghost, I'm gone...so laters (5)james1138tx
Sep 15, 2005 3:29 pm
Fuckin suicide (3)TallHandsomeAda
Sep 8, 2005 5:14 am
Good goddamn it's been awhile (7)boredtechguy105
Sep 2, 2005 7:51 pm
Another Shitty Week (12)rm_DevandNikki
Aug 10, 2005 12:08 am
Well Hello (3)ByteChaser2
Jun 20, 2005 9:14 am
I have a bra, I am truly fortunate (5)rm_hot_fucker
Jun 16, 2005 8:31 pm
Dear Employer (5)GoddessOfTheDawn
Jun 15, 2005 10:39 am
Sleepy and smiling (1)ByteChaser2
Jun 13, 2005 11:21 am