What it takes to be a man.  

rm_This_Guy1984 33M
1 posts
3/7/2006 10:51 pm
What it takes to be a man.

I typed this up months ago for a few message boards as just a sad attempt at a "Christopher Titus in the black and white room" monologue. I may be no Christopher Titus, but I thought the subject matter would apply to this site perfectly. So enjoy, if you enjoy it at all.

What does it take to be a man? Stephen Colbert would say "Balls." Give the man some credit, that's technically true. But is there a definitive answer? Maybe we would come closer to one if we could answer "What does it take to be a woman?"

But in a world of transvestites and strap-ons, these questions don't mean anything anymore.

I've had some experience as a man. A natural one too, beleive it or not. I have Stephen Colbert's required "Balls," but what more is there too it? I've done the things a society tells us that a man should do: Play sports (and sucked), read comic books (only to lose them and find out they're worth thousands years later), oogle women (and watch them run off and get knocked up by other men five minutes later), and watch the Three Stooges (arguably the only thing in life I'm good at).

So I fail at nearly every trait imaginable, but I still got the tacklebox. Am I still a man?

How do other men do it? I've tried to get it on with a girl. I'm pretty sure hysterical laughter isn't the reaction I'm supposed to get everytime I make a move. Living with a woman is impossible. It's that damn thing called "opinion." Opinion should be outlawed. It only leads to conflict. "Where do we go tonight?" "I don't want to see that movie." "Do I look fat?" "How come you don't touch me in that way anymore?" "You can't do that, it's illeagal." And another thing, how come everything I do is illeagal? Oh, you're little miss "Law Abiding Citizen," just because you're currently on the police force. I've had enough with your legal mumbo jumbo. Even when we broke up, I kept hearing it. "Violating restraining order." "Resisting arrest." "Attempted manslaughter." "Failure to show up in court." After what that bitch did to me, they have the nads to put my picture on America's Most Wanted? You and your "democracy." Mark my words, freedom is going to rip this country apart.

See how all this happens? Put two sexes in a room together and it can lead to only two things: Orgy and disaster. Either way you have one hell of a mess to clean up. If it were up to me, I'd be gay. But I love boobies too damn much.

No, even better, I wish I were a lesbian. I wouldn't even need another woman, I'd just sit at home and play with my own goodies all day long. There's a lot of career opportunities to be found there. No matter how fat and ugly I would be, I can always get work on an internet porn site. Hell, if I'm skinny enough, I might even be lucky enough to end up on one of those late night skin flicks on Cinemax. Watch out Misty Mundae, the new queen is in town!

Is all this what it takes to be a man? No wonder the suicide rate is what it is. I guess I'll stick with Stephen Colbert on this one.

Become a member to create a blog