Coffee, Tea or Me?  

rm_Simplysexy65 51F
870 posts
5/28/2006 5:15 pm

Last Read:
5/28/2006 8:36 pm

Coffee, Tea or Me?

I used to be a flight attendant so I always want to share some timely advice on holiday weekends. Sorry this is late but I am sure your flight was too. Yes, I flew SWA. Sexy Woman Aboard. If I was hired for my looks and not my brains, why did they not give me a top that is big enough for my breastsessess? Geez...I bet a man was up to this! So when the flight is over..I have to strip down and let my body feel free...just like a tight pair of jeans after an all you can eat buffet at a frat house party.

Many of you will be traveling over the holidays, so if you plan on bringing an eight-ball of heroin with you, be mindful of those wily drug-sniffing dogs. They love heroin so much that the slightest whiff of it sends these pups into an addiction-fueled frenzy which may or may not include barking.

Just walking through first class as you board the plane is unnerving..let me tell ya those people are so demanding too. All those rich folks staring at you with their fancy eyes, their hands gripping their champagne flutes in fear of you spilling it on their Italian suits. My advice? "Accidentally" bonk them in the head with your carry-on. Rich pre-boarding jerks.

Well, I lost my job for several reasons. I love bubble gum. I love to blow huge bubbles and then suck it back in. I love to crack my gum like a overbearing lady at a sale at Neiman Marcus...and I was not the one who stuck the wads under the seats of the Boeing 727's. Coincidence!! I just happened to b aboard. Set up I say! I do love double bubble and so did the passangers! 34DD and proud! The difference between Chiclets and, say, Big League Chew or Trident is that Chiclets can only be purchased from small Mexican children in Tiajuna as well as other pharmacutical needs. The marketing of other gums rarely involves guilt. And I am not guilty of my gum! I did not do it!

The other reason I lost my job is terrorists. If you have a different shade of skin color watch out! Let's talk about blue skin. It either means the oxygen masks did not work.....or u are affaird of the flying monkeys ...the ones I always saw out the window on my flights. Or too much bubble gum blowing and not enough oxygen. But rest assued I am brunette and not blonde! If the Wizard of Oz's flying monkeys didn't scare the crap out of you, you were a braver child than I was. Flying monkeys are not cute like regular monkeys, despite that adorable hat and vest ensemble they wear. And it's not just the wings that terrify me, it's the blue skin. Unless you live in a mushroom or play PVC pipe instruments at the Luxor, you should not have blue skin. The are looking for the wrong terrorists but hey why beleive me?

Which reminds me.....I hate when people come up with tired old theories like "The Smurfs were Communists" or "Scooby and Shaggy were stoners" and think they're being really original and clever. Nevertheless, The Wizard Of Oz is racist. Think about it. All the villains - Wicked Witch, Flying Monkeys - have colored skin, and all the good guys have white skin. Except the Tin Man. And the Cowardly Lion. Oh well....i tried to help the cause.

Then, the third reason I lost my job was my Customer Service" skills. The one's who demand "special meals" annoy me. No, smart guy or people who live on ranches don't always have to pick ranch dressing for their salads, provided of course that their ranch is in Russia, France, or Creamy Italy. Fat free? Hell no...I stash that for me! Wait this is SWA , you get peanuts! If you order a can of pop...I will be sure to bring you a cup loaded with ice and fizz and act like I forgot you wanted the can. Hey, I get thirsty running back and forth too. So being that I truly loved my job as a diva who provides valuable service of safety while traveling I had to find a new one quick to keep my bad habits in check.

So I got a job that not only helps others travel but my boobs look awesome in the orange vest!Obviously, crossing guards provide a valuable service, that is, they prevent schoolchildren from being run over by my car. No seat belts required here! But when I (the neighborhood crossing guard Diva) use my stop sign to keep me from being asked out, they say it is an abuse of power? I got fired there too! What is a diva to do?

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