A Brief History of Soap - Part One: Working Out the Bugs  

rm_RandomXS2 63M
63 posts
12/29/2005 11:26 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

A Brief History of Soap - Part One: Working Out the Bugs

Long ago, near the beginnings of Time, before the invention of the DVD, though not, as some more learned than I have pointed out, before Cher, there lived, along the banks of the Seine River on the outskirts of what is now Paris, a stylish and fashionable Paleolithic couple by the name of Ooog and Ooogla. They had a small but cozy cave near the banks of the river, decorated with taste in the finest of stones and household flint implements.

One day, upon returning from their daily hunting and gathering, they noticed that Ooogla’s fashionable and stylish Saber-tooth skin miniskirt had become infested with a large number of creatures whose sole identifying feature was an improbable number of legs. Upon discovering that these creatures were neither stylish nor tasty Ooog proceeded with his husbandly duty and attempted to pluck the offending miscreants from his wife’s miniskirt - with limited success. The creatures bit his fingers and waved their improbable number of legs at him in a decidedly unfriendly fashion. Frustrated and enraged by this highly un-fashionable behavior, Ooog attempted to bash the offending leg-wavers with a handy household rock.

This proved time-consuming and did nothing to improve Ooogla’s temperament.

As has been noted by a majority of scholars, “Necessity is a Mother” and it was at this point that Ooog made one of those technological leaps for which mankind has been justifiably vilified. Determined to dispose of the creatures infesting Ooogla’s miniskirt he carried her to the banks of the river where he planned to drown the beasts. After much flailing and splashing that resulted in Ooogla’s invention of some of the more colorful phrases still to be heard in modern French, it became apparent that this effort was more likely to drown Ooogla than to rid her miniskirt of the unwanted infestation. In a flash of inspiration Ooog determined to combine technologies and bash the miniskirt with the household rock while it was IN the river.

Upon her recovery Ooogla discovered that not only were the offending creatures and their improbable number of legs completely gone, but that her whites were whiter, her brights were brighter, and her Saber-Tooth skin miniskirt once again had that “Like New” softness. It was Ooog who noted the “Springtime Fresh” fragrance. This led to a large number of Oooglings, although the exact correlation was not discovered until some time during the Reagan Administration. The information was quickly hushed up by the government to protect the morals of the American public.

With a large number of Oooglings came a correspondingly large number of skins to be pounded with rocks in the river. It was Ooogla who discovered that the process worked equally well, if not better, if one was not IN the skins while they were being pounded with rocks. That simple discovery led to one of the primary cornerstones of civilization: The complete wardrobe. As the practice caught on, driven mostly by Ooogla’s neighbors’ desire to also have complete wardrobes, a whole new industry was born - Laundry (a French word meaning “to strike with rocks”, which, interestingly enough, was also the French word for warfare until a better word could be found - which is where we get the term “surrender” - but that’s a different story.)

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Our next episode - “A Brief History of Soap: The Mop in Myth and Legend” explores how the accidental invention of a French Nobleman would lead, through a series of tragic misunderstandings, to the French Revolution and the invention of the bicycle.


chiparoux 50M
30 posts
1/17/2006 7:04 pm

You're back! And just in the nick of time, too!!!

Thanks for the post, Random ~ and yanno, I've always wondered how French noblemen were invented {figures that it was an accident!}.


rm_RandomXS2 63M
88 posts
1/18/2006 6:32 am

ok ok...sheesh!!! That should read "A French nobleman's accidental invention." Or was that "Intention?"

I forget...but yeah...French Noblemen were invented by accident!


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