Behind The Mask II...My Mother  

rm_Kissmystuff 62F
2665 posts
5/22/2006 11:01 am

Last Read:
6/28/2009 2:23 pm

Behind The Mask II...My Mother

I've come to talk with you again..about something that has troubled me. It comes out of chronological order from my other conversations..where I told you about my younger years in the world.

These are the posts that came before this one. Both are related to this topic..and a certain catharsis. Why now is the very first post I did. Behind the Mask..begins to give more of a background. I guess..I'm procrastinating here. This is something..I feel a need to talk about..but yet..well..it exposes more of me to others. Something..not always easy for me to do. I ask for your patience.

I met my mother..when I was twenty. I was married..still living in the home of my foster mother. I had just given birth to my first daughter. I had a vague memory of my mother..from when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I remember this woman who had come to visit me. She gave me a small golden ring..with a green stone in it. Don't know what happened to that ring. Funny how some scenes just stick in you mind.

Here I was..5 years old. I was in the kitchen..sitting on the floor..having my hair done. This was one of those old fashioned kitchens..huge. Getting my hair done..was a process that took hours..I had lots of hair..thick and long. It used to take hours to dry..hours to straighten and braid. I'm wondering if many of you know what a straightening comb is?

I remember that as I was sitting there..I was a few feet away from the open door of the bathroom. As I looked over..this rat..ran across the floor..from one end of old fashioned claw footed bathtub to the other and disappeared. This woman was talking to me. I didn't really know who she was. But she had come to see me. Don't really remember what she said to me. I just remember that gold ring and the rat.

I met my sisters and brothers..shortly after meeting my mother. Again..this is when I was 20. Turns out..one of my sisters and I had lived next door to each other..when she was 18 and I was 13. For some strange reason..I'm pleased by the fact..that I'm the youngest of the six children in the family.

I did get to know my sisters and brothers somewhat. I used to hang out with my brother. He was killed several years ago..shot in the head..by a jealous lover. The sister..who had unknowingly lived next door to me..died a few years ago..of leukemia.

A few months ago..I got a call from one of my sisters. She told me my mother was in the hospital..she had a heart attack..that I should go see her. This was also during the time my health problems were coming to head. I didn't go see her..in spite of the calls from my sister.

I hadn't spoken to my mother in years. I didn't like talking to her. When I did..she always complained..about other members of the family. Always..talked about the past and how bad things were. She always ran herself down..and seemed to expect me to assure her..that she had been treated miserably by the men in her life.

She would talk about how we kids had been taken from her by the welfare department. How..my father had gone down and told them a bunch of lies..and that's why we had been taken. Well..my sisters..who had been old enough to remember..told me a different story.

Anyway..it just got to a point that I would feel so bad after talking to her..that I just stopped talking with her. I also felt a great deal of anger toward her. How could a woman allow someone to take her children. Why would she put herself in such a position to allow this to happen? Is this a fair attitude to have toward her? I don't know. But it is..what it is.

The truth is..I don't love her as a daughter loves a mother. She didn't raise me..I never knew her as a mother. There is really no memory there..no bond. That saying..that blood is thicker than water..well..I suppose in some cases it is. But not in this case.

My sister and remaining brother are angry with me for not going to see her. In spite of the fact..during that time..it was extremely painful for me to walk..let alone go to the hospital.
They've tried to make me feel guilty. I did for a period of time. But not any more. My sister seems to think..I'm some heartless bitch..because I feel this way.

I feel what I feel. I can't manufacture an emotion that's not there. And I'm not going to pretend. My mother and I never bonded. Does she love me? I don't know. I've never felt that from her. I don't know her..not really.

People have always remarked how much I look like my mother. I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand..I'm told how beautiful she was. But what I see is woman..who has become wheelchair bound..because of her weight and subsequent health problems. I see a woman who is lonely..and bitter. It's horrible..but I've prayed not to be like her.

My kids told me recently that the reason they never wanted me to leave them with her..is because she used to be mean to them. She would verbally abuse them. Having been a victim of verbal abuse myself..it is a very hurtful thing.

My mother..my mother. Even the words sound foreign to me. I suppose..I do acknowledge the physical..in that she is my biological mother.
However..when it comes to the bond..the love..well. But I've decided..I feel what I feel. I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Now..does this make me a monster..some kind of cold hearted bitch. I don't know. But if it does..so be it.


Kiss


rm_cru1972 45M
4407 posts
5/22/2006 2:43 pm

No monster Kiss, just someone who has feelings.


Nightguy_1961 56M
4866 posts
5/22/2006 10:32 pm

You are not a b*tch for your feelings....so quit kicking yourself. That is an awful lot of emotion for anyone to go through, but it seems that you're working it out....

NG61...slipping back into the shadows...


interested13563 54M
2557 posts
5/23/2006 6:48 pm

It is very courageous of yours to tell this story
as is the fact that you sincerely accept your feelings.
Nobody should judge you on this. I personally think
that the people who are trully close to us are those
who share our experiences, feelings, and thoughts,
those who are there. I would not pass judgement on
your physical mother either for the same reasons.


champagnechaser 42F
1639 posts
5/23/2006 7:13 pm

Your are not a monster, you are just being honest with yourself. I found out i had two half sisters in another country when i was 16. I tried developing a relationship with them, however, the bond that one would have with siblings with whom they grown up with was not there.

Although i tried to create those feelings, these women were strangers to me and once i spent some time with them, i discovered i did not like them much at all. I never pursued the relationships any further, no regrets.


rm_Kissmystuff 62F
1435 posts
5/23/2006 9:23 pm

    Quoting DustyWidget:
    No Kiss it certainly does not. In the short time I've known you I know to be a warm-hearted, kind, beautiful, thoughtful member of the human race. Imperfect as we all are - after all we're still here aren't we?

    Everything I've read of your work makes you a subject for admiration not judgement. To have experienced what you have and still be as generous in spirit is a wonder.

    Ooh and Kiss I nearly forgot ... I love you because of you. xxx
Your encouragement and kind words..are always appreciated. Thanks Dusty.

Kiss


rm_Kissmystuff 62F
1435 posts
5/23/2006 9:27 pm

    Quoting rm_cru1972:
    No monster Kiss, just someone who has feelings.
Hi Cru. I'd like to crawl up onto your lap for a big hug. Thanks for your comforting.

Kiss


rm_Kissmystuff 62F
1435 posts
5/23/2006 9:29 pm

    Quoting Nightguy_1961:
    You are not a b*tch for your feelings....so quit kicking yourself. That is an awful lot of emotion for anyone to go through, but it seems that you're working it out....

    NG61...slipping back into the shadows...
Thanks NG. I'm always pleased when you slip out of the shadows to visit me..and leave your words of wisdom.

Kiss


rm_Kissmystuff 62F
1435 posts
5/23/2006 9:32 pm

    Quoting rm_mzhunyhole:
    Ya can't help how ya feel ..ya just can't hun.
Ah MzHuny. As always..you spread you warmth and healing energy. Thank you for your words of comfort.

Kiss


rm_Kissmystuff 62F
1435 posts
5/23/2006 9:37 pm

    Quoting rm_Dysgyzed:
    No, I don't think that makes you a cold-hearted bitch.

    I think that makes you a strong woman who knows her emotions.

    Your mother took care of her own problems, though perhaps not in the best of ways, and you needed to take care of yourself during that time. That's just the reality.

    You are Beautiful, and you are the better Reality.
Hello Dys. I really do consider you as a sister you know. Your encouragement..always encourages. Your words always uplift me.
Thanks.

Kiss


rm_Kissmystuff 62F
1435 posts
5/23/2006 9:43 pm

    Quoting rm_Trillogy:
    Bonds between people are something that are developed. They don't just happen.
Hello Trill. I've thought a lot about this..and that's pretty much the conclusion I came to. Thank you for understanding.

Kiss


rm_Kissmystuff 62F
1435 posts
5/23/2006 9:48 pm

    Quoting interested13563:
    It is very courageous of yours to tell this story
    as is the fact that you sincerely accept your feelings.
    Nobody should judge you on this. I personally think
    that the people who are trully close to us are those
    who share our experiences, feelings, and thoughts,
    those who are there. I would not pass judgement on
    your physical mother either for the same reasons.
Hi Interested. Thanks..but I'm not really sure I'd call it courageous. I needed to get it off my chest. Thank you for your words. I'm trying to work through my feelings about her..and the fact she wasn't there when I was growing up.

Kiss


rm_Kissmystuff 62F
1435 posts
5/23/2006 9:54 pm

    Quoting champagnechaser:
    Your are not a monster, you are just being honest with yourself. I found out i had two half sisters in another country when i was 16. I tried developing a relationship with them, however, the bond that one would have with siblings with whom they grown up with was not there.

    Although i tried to create those feelings, these women were strangers to me and once i spent some time with them, i discovered i did not like them much at all. I never pursued the relationships any further, no regrets.
Hi Champagne. Yes..and it took me awhile to come to terms with how I was feeling about the whole thing. But..it is..what it is. Feelings can't be forced. Thank you for your comment. It helps.

Kiss


redswallow777 49M
6811 posts
5/26/2006 9:25 am

Your post has a lot of good insights, Kiss....thank you for sharing this, it must have been hard to write. It doesn't sound like there is anything there for either of you at this point....and it would take a lot of work to move it to a different place....assuming she would want to go there. So, no, you don't sound like a bitch....god, I hate that term anyway.


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