Thoughts of a man in search of himself...  

rm_JohnMacLaine 51M
454 posts
4/2/2006 6:51 am

Last Read:
4/3/2006 1:23 pm

Thoughts of a man in search of himself...

I have been blogging now for a couple of months and for the most part have been a litle reserved, a little shy and for the most part just looking around. Today I believe I am about to come out of my shell.

Hello, my name is Scott, and for the last 39 1/2 years I have been afollower of men.

As a lot of you know, I am in sales for a living, to be more precise, I work for the second largest Hyundai dealer in the United States. I have seen my share of people, I have seen my share of deals, and it has been a great experience. Yet through all of this, something has been missing, something was holding me back, and someting was keeping me from reachihng for my full potential.

I have been a shy person for most of my life, and I remain that way until I know a person, I warm up to them and they become part of my comfort zone. After that I become less reserved, and more comfortable with being myself around them. I have been in search of what has been missing from my life, and for the most part I felt it was just a sigfnificant other, a female companion, basically a life partner that provided confidence, happiness, and stability. Over the course of the last month I have been to the lowest depths of my psyche, mainly depression. And all along I thought it was mainly due to the fact I was alone.

This is not the case at all, as some of you are probably screaming at me thorugh the computer. It is me, it is all me, and it will always be me. I do not need someone in my life to accomplish what it is I want to accomplish. Call me stupid, blind, pig-headded, whatever. I have been alone for nearly four years and before that she was the one that motivated me, therefore once I became more and more alone I thought having that motivation again is what I needed to move forward and become successful. Boy what rock was I living under and how much of an idiot do I have to become to realize that it takes confidence in yourself, your abilities, and in your life to become successful.

I have always been a follower, I have never been a true leader. I tend to see where the leaders are going and try to follow close behind them, never once trying to get in front of them and lead the way for a change.

Today, April 2, 2006 that will all change.

Today begins a journey that will culminate in the rest of my life. I am focused, I am determined, and I am moving forward to become a leader, to show how its done, and to become a success in my life. I know this will not happen overnight, I know this will take a while to progress into what I want it to be, but today I hve made the concious decision to stop lagging behind and take some of what others are enjoying. success, happiness, and prosperity.

I had a dream last night, (no really) about my love of a few years ago. I woke up angry, I woke up pissed, and I woke up feeling all of this anger towards her. The reason is because she decided to stay with her husband and not come here to me. I finaly realized why she did that. It just wasnt because of her son, it wasnt because she loved him more than she loved me, it was because he was responsible, he was comfort, and she knew what she was getting with him. The passion was not there, the sexual frustration was there, the common interests were not there, but yet she was in a comfort zone with him. I have always had problems being responsible with my finances, and she said when she called last month that was her major concern with me, she wanted to know that I had become more responsible with my finances. I now realized why I lost out. I had everythin she was looking for in a mate but one she had that security with him, but not with me.

Now this may sound trivial, this may sound minor, but it had a tremendous effect on me this morning as I woke up. Like the proverbial light bulb going on over my head I realized that in order for me to have what I need, I need to first be happy with what I have, and work towards making it better. The only way to do that is to focus myself and become a leader, become a person that people will follow, and become the role model of how it is done. Those may sound like generic terms, and for most of you it may sound like it is nothing to shout about because you already have that in your life. Keep in mind I have been going around "following" people and doing just enough to get by. I am tired of just getting by. I deserve better, and my son deserves better.

I am now preparing to go to work. I will post what I have thus far and post the rest inside later on this evening. ta ta for now.

Mood: Focused


"I can retain neither respect or affection for a government which has been moving from wrong to wrong in order to defend its own immorality" Mahatma Ghandi

TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
4/3/2006 7:39 am

Scott- I've enjoyed reading about you. I'm happy you are feeling inspired!! As far as this woman...some women are happy with the comfort level and willing to overlook the other things. I could have stayed married if I wanted to feel "comfortable". But I was willing to take the risk to be on my own and eventually find someone who is right for me...and I have young children too. Some people are risk -takers, others are risk-averse. The only thing I have in common with this woman is that I never wanted to leave my marriage for another man...even though I had some relationships outside of my marriage. I can now finally say that is true. Good luck in your journey!!!

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