A change, and a revelation....  

rm_JohnMacLaine 51M
454 posts
2/1/2006 6:57 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

A change, and a revelation....

Well, I have decided to make an attempt at quitting smoking. As I approach 40 I look at myself and see things that could be better. I smoke too much (a result of standing for hours at my job with noting to do sometimes.) I am not active enough, and I feel I have become stagnant. I don't do much in the way of going out to socialize, and that may be why I haven't gotten laid in three years. I have been told by most of my co-workers that I am a good looking guy, I have a good personality, I don't smell (lol), I wear nice clothes, have a nice car, but since I don't go out, I should probably consider going out 2-3 times a week to get involved in the human race. I have become a hermit, going to work, coming home, and only leaving the house otherwise to see my son. Why have I become like this? I used to be the life of the party back in the day, maybe I have just become lazy in my older age.

I have not dated since my last breakup, that was 3/12 years ago, and I feel it is time to put down all the emotions and feelings that go along with how it affected me. I am not usually an emotional person, I tend to keep to myself, and although I know that could be detrimental to my psyche, I have always been this way.

About 5 years ago, I met this woman online through MSN Football Chat, I'll call her Gail. We hit it off right away and I was intrigued, though I had never seen her face or heard her voice. We had a lot in common, she was close to my age, a little older, we both were passionate and knowledgeable about the NFL, and she seemed to have a good head on her shoulders. Gail lived in Jacksonville, and I, of course live here in Tampa, so it was a long distance thing, and it would soon become my first online romance. There were lots of times when we would just sit and talk for hours on end, the conversations never seemed to go dry and we never seemed to run out of things to say to each other. She would flirt with me most times, and I would flirt right back. Well, one day while in MSN Chat, Gail opens up a private conversation with me, telling me she has something to get off her chest. It seems that she has not been totally truthful with me from the start and that she had to be up front with me about who she is. I was expecting the worst, like she was gay, or a guy, or something, but in the back of my mind I knew what was coming. She was married, 10 years, and she had a 10 year old son. I was floored, I couldn't believe it. I have been with only one other woman in my life that was married and it lasted a week, due to her saying that she could no longer cheat on her husband. After she breaks this news to me, after the initial shock, I ask her "are you happy?" stupid question, since I should have realized that if she was happy, she would not be talking to me like she was interested. She said that "no" she was not happy, but she grown content in her marriage and accepted what it was, and that it would always be this way. Greg was 10 years older than her, and was a good provider. he worked two jobs, and she stayed home with their son being the happy homemaker on the outside. She discovered the internet only a few months prior and was knew to this whole online thing, but that she became intrigued by the chat aspect because it allowed her to talk to people about the one subject she was passionate about; football. I asked her why, if she was married, did she flirt with me, an allow us to become close, at least as close as you can get to someone in a chat room, and she said because there was something about me that made her want to know me better, and that she could not get me out of her mind from the first week we started talking. Gail was a kept woman, As Greg was an old fashioned guy, not very adventurous in the bedroom, and their sex life and their life in general had become boring and routine in her eyes, which is why she bought the computer, to maybe find something out there that she could occupy her time during the day and after he went to bed at night. She wanted more than soap operas and grocery shopping. I asked the inevitable question, "Gail, are you willing to leave your husband?" She stated that she did not know, all she could tell me was that she was not happy in her marriage, and that she was extremely attracted to me. But the difficult thing about it was that both her and her husband were devout Catholics, and that right there folks should have told me to run, not walk away. I should have realized that divorce for her would be nearly impossible, since she started talking about needing an annulment from the Pope and all, but----no! stupid me, I ignored the warning signals going off in my head and I continued to talk to her, since I had become as attracted to her as she was to me. Amazing how feelings and hormones get in the way of common sense sometimes, and this was no different. There was something about this woman I could not get out of my head, and I had no idea what it was. We mo0ved on from there, telling each other every thing, our hopes, dreams, fears, etc etc.. and through it all, we became very close, so much so, that I wanted to meet her face to face. By July we had been talking for about six months, and we had talked on the phone, almost nightly in the last four months, I was preparing for a new job, as well as going back to school to get my degree. I proposed to her a meet in Daytona the second weekend of July, and she accepted. I remember leaving Tampa that morning with great anticipation as well as great anxiety....

more later

"I can retain neither respect or affection for a government which has been moving from wrong to wrong in order to defend its own immorality" Mahatma Ghandi

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