Public Apology to Those I Love  

rm_Greyeyesky 42M
116 posts
3/7/2006 6:42 am

Last Read:
3/8/2006 11:02 am

Public Apology to Those I Love

It's amazing what lithium can do for a bipolar. I'd say I suffer from bipolar disorder, but that's not fair. Everyone around me suffers from my bipolar disorder.
After liberal doses of lithium and a month or so of self reflection, I've come to realize that I have been a monumental asshole to a lot of people, particularly those closest to me. I've been short with my children and in many cases down right unfair to them. Even though my brother is difficult on his best days, it was something of an over-reaction to brawl with him on the front lawn and then give him an hour to have his things out of my apartment. Especially since he quite his stable job in California to come help me take care of my children during their summer break with me. I treated the love of my life like shit and took complete advantage of her generosity. I blamed her for our difficulties and shouted at her when she wanted time to herself. Looking back on it, I'm surprised it took her so long to leave me.
So in short, I have made a flaming wreck of my life. Right now I want nothing more than to go back and live the last year over again. Though I can't do that, I can start over, and I can ask those I've hurt to forgive me. If they won't or can not, there isn't much room for me to blame them. I've been a dick.
So I've made a vow to never again go off my medication. I can't live without those I love most, and they can't live without my lithium. Who knows what the future will hold, but now that I have my life back in my hands I am going to make something of it. My future is going to fucking rock, because I am going to make damned well sure it does.

"I'm sorry" means so little these days...

Brennan, Adam, Rook, Jim, and Bailey: Whether you can forgive me or not, I will never be able to forgive myself for the things I have done to you. You are in my fondest thoughts forever...


rm_FreeLove999 47F
16127 posts
3/7/2006 1:27 pm

ah, i came over to tell you I had finally got around to writing why I do not think art and misery make good bedfellows (on my blog).

don't go to the other extreme now of blaming everything on yourself.... get a balance. in a relationship responsibility is shared... responsibility for good times (which you can take some credit for) and responsibility for bad times... you have a difficult chemical condition, the medicines are not so great. i really suggest you get in touch with fantasia_shares or just read her blog as she is using some alternative remedies too which seem to be helping her. you can tell her i sent you, if it helps.



[blog freelove999]


pinkzplaytoyz 51F

3/7/2006 2:51 pm

FreeLove is right about balance, you know why those things happened, now forgive yourself!!! That may seem hard to do, but it's necessary...
I've known other bipolars who didn't take meds, and you sound exactly like they did...
It's just crucial that you feel at peace inside, somehow, someway...
hugs,
Pink


rm_Greyeyesky 42M

3/8/2006 11:02 am

Thanks Free, I'll keep it in mind. The lithium I am taking has actually made a huge differance and everyone is noticing it. I'll probably take a look at the other options too though.
Pink, I know it wasn't really me at the helm and so I can forgive myself, but it hurts me deeply to see my friends, family, and lovers suffering, and to know that the suffering was caused by me is a very hard pill to swallow. Just imagine waking up tomorrow and realizing that for the last five years you sent everyone you love home in tears everytime they saw you and you never even noticed, in fact you blamed them for it... now tell me how easy it would be to forgive yourself and once forgiven, to stop feeling like a total heel.


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