Polyamory and respect  

rm_Fawnd1e 39F
50 posts
2/11/2006 11:17 pm

Last Read:
5/23/2006 1:57 pm

Polyamory and respect

Every day I recieve a message or two asking if my husband knows that I am on here. To keep from having to type out the response over and over, I thought I would put it down here, and direct people to read the blog, if they are curious.

Yes, he knows I am here. We are polyamorus. For those of you who don't know what polamory is, it means we have an open relationship. What's different about our relationship is that he chooses not to see other women. My libido is greater than his, and he gets a kick out of other guys being interested in me. So a few years back, he came to me of his own free will and told me if I wanted to see other men, that was fine by him. It took a year before I was comfortable with it and gave it a test run. The guy I was with then was a sweetie, and I am happy to say that we are still very good friends to this day.

Some people hear about this and seem to think that since I am taken, I am free for them to use and put away or toss aside. This irritates me to no end; just because I am in an open relationship does not mean i am a toy or plaything for someone to use. I have feelings, I don't do simple one night hook ups because that's not who I am. I get very tired of recieving messages from people basically offering to take a crack at me, absolutely nsa, and would prefer never to see me again afterwards. How the hell is that supposed to be an attractive offer? It's completely meaningless and disrespectful, and treats me like I am worthless. Those messages I usually delete without answering.

So anyways, I just wanted to throw this up, so all of you out there who might be interested got a better feel for me and my relationship

freebreeze_0 65M
40 posts
2/17/2006 8:30 pm

My wife has said basicly what your husband told you. For me it has been a little under a year. I have been sort of lurking for most of the time, but feel I need to propel myself into the tub... I have also come across the podcast "Polyweekly" which has open my eyes to what might be posible. Is it working for you?

rm_Fawnd1e 39F
16 posts
2/18/2006 1:54 pm

There's an important thing to keep in mind if you and yours are poly...You can NEVER be dishonest or keep secrets from one another. You have to be very very open and honest not only about what you've been doing, but how you feel. The minute that you try to mask your feelings, or deny if something's wrong, everything starts to go down the tubes. There should be open honesty in every relationship, but polyamory is much more complicated and difficult than your average relationship, so the need for complete and total truth is magnified a thousandfold.

The other piece of advice I can offer is that you need to be very careful in partner selection. There are those out there who will take advantage of the situation (like those I mentioned in my original post). Be sure to 'screen' any potential playmates well so you can weed out those who might be into playing games.

Good luck, I hope that your poly relationship goes smoothly

resortdad 44M
3 posts
5/10/2006 12:25 am

Fawnd1e, this may not be the forum for this, but I have a question for you. My wife is also polyamorous and I do not fully understand it. We have tried a few 'open encounters' with people we know and things have not worked out that well. The friendship was still ok, and the sex was fun, but one couple did nothing for her and the other she fell for the man. I am seeking to better understand the ability to have a full blown romantic relationship with multiple people at once. hope you can give me some insight that she hasn't.

thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.

rm_Fawnd1e 39F
16 posts
5/14/2006 2:40 pm

Hi RD,

I've been asked a number of times how it is I can care for multiple people at once. Often, I compare it to parents or children, or even friends if a person has several close ones. You often don't love one parent more than another, or one child more than another. You don't have the capacity to only care about one parent, or one child, or one friend. You have the capacity to care for both your parents, all your children, and many friends.

So why should romantic love be any different? Love is not like having a bottle of water or a cake. You don't have a certain amount of it to give, so giving more to one means you take away some from the others. Love is an ever growing, intangible emotion. When you married your wife, did you stop caring as much for your family, or friends? No. She didn't take away love from them. You grew more love to give to her. It goes without saying then that when she fell for this other man, it didn't mean you were loved less. I understand it can sometimes feel that way, especially when the other person is caught up in the newness of a relationship. But just like when you fell in love with her, her falling in love with someone simultaneously to loving you did not mean she took anything away from you.

However, it sounds like there are some other issues here. Granted, my psychology classes were long ago, but when I read your post, it seems like the lack of understanding is leading to frustration and temerity in the relationship. You cannot have an open relationship if it creates tension. I would encourage you to be very open with her about your feelings, and actively listen to how she feels also. If you're finding a lack of common ground or an inability to communicate, I strongly encourage you to seek couples counseling to work through any issues. This will be much healthier for you both in the long run, and make your relationship that much stronger.

Best of luck in all your endeavors!

Ember72 45F

5/23/2006 8:05 am

Another thing to keep in mind (I can give insight into this, as I am also Polyamorous) is that there is a BIG difference between "swinging" and being Polyamorous. I tell people that hubby and I have an open marriage, and often times I get, "Oh, so you're a swinger?" WRONG! NO! Not even close!

Swingers are in it just for the sex. It is NOT about sex with me. It is about a person coming into my life (and I believe that EVERYONE comes into our lives for a reason) and us forming a bond and letting it go where it will. The connection and feelings become stronger, and because my hubby and I are open, I don't have to put a wall up when the stronger feelings start. I'm allowed to continue down that path and let it lead us where it will.

As I tell people, life is too fucking short, and love is a VERY powerful thing. I want to experience those strong feelings as much as I can for as long as I'm able. Of course, I don't have to worry about what most of society has to worry about...religion and what society deems is morally correct. I do not let myself get shoved into that box of what most think is "right" .. so I don't have those things weighing me down and plaguing my mind.

Just remember peeps... swinging=sex, polyamorous=love
Big big BIG difference between the two
and remember that love is powerful and should be embraced and enjoyed with anyone you have a connection with .. not just limited to one person for all of your life. At least I'm not going to limit it.

*smooches fawnie babes*

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