Fanny's Fun With Fellatio  

rm_EveLWoman 57F
405 posts
2/12/2006 4:18 pm

Last Read:
5/30/2006 3:49 pm

Fanny's Fun With Fellatio

Dear Aunt Fanny,
I recently met a man through an adult website. After many months of chatting we are finally going to hook-up for the first time. We have talked about our first meeting many times, and in my attempts to impress him, I might have bragged and over-exaggerated my ‘oral skills’ a teeny bit. He claims to have had many blowjobs from many women and says he is looking forward to getting one from the ‘goddess of BJs’. Now that the moment of truth is at hand (or mouth) I’m afraid my true inexperience ( I have only given a man a BJ once) will show and he will be disappointed. Do you have any tips so I can live up to my bragging and impress him?
Lying Lips

Dear LL,
While Aunt Fanny doesn’t condone lying, I think I can help. Like your male friend, I have quit a bit of experience in this particular area. I’ve sucked so many dicks I could sell my spit to the sperm bank. Here are a few tips from your Aunt Fanny:

A penis is not a popsicle. Licking at first (especially behind the head) can be tantalizing and exciting, but good blowjob requires a little more work…that’s why it’s called a job.

Experiment at first…gently, to find out what he likes. If his dick is in your mouth, this is not the time to ask what he likes, nor expect him to answer in full sentences. Listen to his moans, squeaks, thrusts, grabbings of the head/hair, single words, gibberish, and Shakespearian monologues. He's telling you what he likes.

Love him, love his balls: I know, hairy sacks of cow eyeballs, but pay attention to his nuts. Don't worry, they're an acquired taste ‒ you’ll get used to it.

The default starting place is gathering them up in your palm while you hold the base of his penis with your fingers: usually this means pleasant pressure without being scary. If anything begins to turn purple, you’re squeezing too hard! Ease up some. Proceed from there. Breathe on them, nibble, suck, lick, take em' both in your mouth, swirl them around like gobstoppers.

Does he gasp? Whimper? Grind his pelvis into your face? Cry for his momma? Scream "Ouch! What the fuck are you trying to do?!" ? These are all signs, so pay attention. (The crying for his momma can be tricky. This either means you’re doing something very right or very wrong, or he has a very screwed-up sexual psyche…it all depends on tone)

Teeth are bad. Although an occasional light nibble can be an excellent erotic technique, I do not recommend a novice fellatrix try this. In any event, constant scraping can be a very unpleasant sensation and having to stop to floss the flesh from between your teeth is always a mood killer.

If your gag reflex is strong, for God's sake don't try to cram it down your throat! While deep throating may look cool in porn films, the sound of gagging and retching are not especially conducive to sexual aesthetics. In addition, vomiting on your partner's belly is most often frowned upon.

Practice! Attempt to suck Wendy's Frostees through a coffee stirrer. Try eating a banana without chewing. If you can do both of these simultaneously, stop playing with the amateurs… you have a future in the porn industry.

Play it loud: If you can make it loud without faking it, you will out-suck all those other women. When I say loud I mean two things: the moaning, and the slurping.

The moaning: No acting, you're a terrible actress. Only do this when something happens that makes you hot. If nothing about this makes you hot, maybe you should be more careful about what you put in your mouth.

The slurping: Lots of saliva, lots of suction, lots of eagerness. Go ahead. Get spit all over your face. Men are visual creatures, he will love it.

Because men are visual creatures, remember to look sexy! This seems hard, I know, when your mouth is full of sausage. Fortunately for us, men think this look is attractive.

Some other things you can do to increase the visual stimulation include:

Wearing blowjob-proof lipstick . Lipstick that does not come off with the wetness or friction. (4 out of 5 porn stars recommend Revlon Colorstay.)

Give him the big worshipful eyes: Look up at him while he's sliding in and out. Make your eyes really big, but be careful, don’t bug them out so big you look psycho. Nothing will make him go limp faster than a flashing moment of “Oh my god she’s gonna bite my dick off!”

Don’t be in a hurry. Take your time.

There will be times when you're in a parking garage and you need to get him off before that rent-a-cop comes around the corner, but lets assume this is not one of those times.

Take your damn time. Remember, you’re trying to climb up the blowjob goddess ladder.

Many men give subtle warning signs upon approaching orgasm, like rolling their eyes back in their heads, grabbing your ears and screaming, "Oh my God, I'm cumming!!".

Careful attention to detail can save you from an embarrassing and messy scene.

Spit or swallow: Are you kidding? You just spent fifteen minutes to an hour begging for a mouthful of spunk and you spit it out? Girl!, you not only swallow, but if some of that stuff misses your mouth you clean it up with your tongue.

Though most men don’t really care what you do with it once they give it to you, but
remember Aunt Fanny’s advice:

Spitting is always rude!

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
2/13/2006 12:39 am

Oh, yes on the Revlon Colorstay. Not sure about BJs, but for life in general, that's the best, lol.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

HBowt2 60F

2/13/2006 12:46 am

Thats one thing the nuns did teach us...spitting is rude....but I don't think they had BJ's in mind lol

impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
2/13/2006 5:10 pm

Luv yer guts Aunt wonder all the men love you!!

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
2/13/2006 11:44 pm

I just found this blog on a link from 1hotwahine. Wonderful! Simply wonderful!

womanoirish 55F

2/14/2006 9:30 am

...hairy sacks of cow eyeballs...bwhahahahahahaha

omg this was hilarious. Love ya Aunt Fanny!

WOI note to self, do not attempt to read Aunt Fanny while drinking morning coffee as she wipes off monitor

Fox4aKnight1 44F

2/14/2006 5:42 pm

In case you haven't been already invited ......any of your members and or whoever would like can come join this group Just4Laughs Te Mod Is Sleeplessknight and I hope to see y'all around the group ....

kyplowboy22 62M

2/14/2006 6:52 pm

Yup, gonna write me a letter Oprah and see 'bout gettin' you one of them there talkin' shows, Fanny. These young girls 'cross Merica need to know these fine things. They's not much more importanter thangs in a 'lationship than a good ol' fashion knob job, lessin' it'ld be cookin', cleanin' or fetchin' beers on sunday afternoon during the ball game. You keep up the good work there, ya ol' hussy, an' mabe I'll send yeh a bottle a whiskey fer Christmas again this yar.

Eternally erect,


AdventureBeckons 44M
145 posts
2/14/2006 8:04 pm

It's funny, it's helpful, it's true. This should be required reading.427

LadytoPleaseYou 65F
5447 posts
2/15/2006 2:45 pm

LOL yeah Aunt Fanny I can tell you have been around the cock er I mean block a few times.

PENIS CHARMING....where are you?

slidein2meplz 63F
1994 posts
2/15/2006 4:58 pm

"Spit or swallow: Are you kidding? You just spent fifteen minutes to an hour begging for a mouthful of spunk and you spit it out? Girl!, you not only swallow, but if some of that stuff misses your mouth you clean it up with your tongue"... That word "spunk" cracks me up every time I see it.... ROFLMAOPMP.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~

FeistySyn 53F

2/15/2006 5:04 pm


Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?

rm_VoodooGuru1 50M
2053 posts
2/15/2006 7:11 pm

“Mmmmm don’t stop!” means… don’t stop!

oldman1776 79M
3164 posts
2/15/2006 8:52 pm

LMOAO..Love you Aunt Fanny.

If you want a good time contact me.

Kaliedascope61 43M
4084 posts
2/16/2006 7:51 pm

OH aunt fanny is a good woman!

lust4u941 47F
33 posts
2/18/2006 8:47 am

I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.... Thank you!

rm_bigchoklatdk 46M

2/21/2006 11:59 pm

Always remember to listen to yer Aunt Fanny!!

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