A Half-Life  

rm_Elysia2005 44F
512 posts
9/19/2005 8:19 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

A Half-Life

So it's time to tell my story, abbreviated version though this will be, and all because of a chemistry term.

I'm not sure why the term even popped into my head tonight, but there ya go. A half-life has something to do with radioactive elements, carbon-dating, and all that fun stuff. But it's also the life I've been living for longer than I can imagine.

First it's the life I started living when my marriage started falling apart, and if truth be told, my marriage was in trouble before it ever began. I can say that now, but at the time... hindsight, after all, is 20/20. So that fell apart, and I was a struggling single mom living in poverty and trying to get a degree. My love life consisted of purposely avoiding anything that approached love, having sex whenever and with whomever I wanted... sound familiar?

Then I met my youngest daughter's father, and fell head-over-heels, defenses down in a second... I feel in love. And he was in love with me, and life was grand, and we were one big happy family, him, me, my girls, and baby on the way. And then THAT started to fall apart.

Three years ago he went to jail, and I gave him the kiss-off (not because he went, but because of what he went for). And days later, I took him back with the hope and promise of working it out. A promise I fully intended to keep. I guess my presence here on A F F belies just how well I'm keeping it... NOT.

Here's the dilemma. I still love him. Not sure I'm IN love, but I do love him, care for him... and feel a certain obligation to him, that I not write him off completely until he has a chance to prove himself.

When he gets out.

In two years.

And so once again, this is a half-life. Having sex with anyone and everyone, no concern given to my relationship and only minimal to theirs... but not letting myself get anywhere close to love. (Well... there IS one notable exception, but isn't there always? And we understand one another.) Still. Three years is a long time. So is another two. And how long can I stand living a half-life? Only time will tell.

Gregory76 42M

9/20/2005 7:42 am

Your story isn't the only one. I married my first wife when still in high school because she was pregnant. She cheated on me several times and she went to jail for shoplifting with our daughter in tow.(she was a few months old). I left at that point. The sex was good and I kept going back. It took another year and a half before something happened to make me file. I still love her and want, but she decided she wants to stay married to her abusive cop husband. I'm remarried, but my wife is more a 12 yr old then my wife. She deosn't see the need to fix anything and I'm wanting to leave but can't because of circumstances. Nothing more irritating then to want to have sex for a few hours and then to cut it to 30 minutes because the other person had one orgasm and looses interest in everything but sleeping.

I also have a son now also. I lost my daughter to adoption because of no other choice and haven't seen her in 8 yrs. She's 10 now.

I try to find someone to have good sex with, but I'm not interesting enough or something so even when I get showered with praise from one woman about how I make her feel, I can't share with anyone else.

Well, maybe someday things will work out for us or we can keep each other close holding each other in our arms until that happens.

SweetDarlinAngel 40F
2996 posts
9/20/2005 9:49 am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope it turns out as great as it should, and better than you hoped it would!
Take Care!


CuteAZguy27 40M
1545 posts
9/20/2005 2:13 pm

Happy birthday Elysia, i hope you didnt mind yet in my blog Happy birthday Elysia2005 I sort of stirred people in this direction to give you a happy birthday, take care girl-we love yah.


rm_talldarkavg1 106M
10172 posts
9/20/2005 3:08 pm

Happy birthday young lady. You face an all too familiar situation. You are either in love or you are not. From what you have said...you are not. I have 3 daughters from 2 ex's. In many ways I will love those 2 women for the rest of my life. This doesn't mean that a relationship would ever exist but rather that I gave them a part of me and they gave me a part of them. Something to cherish forever within the lives of the children. That's a side-effect of being a parent. So far, you're normal.

[blog talldarkavg1]

rm_Elysia2005 44F
412 posts
9/20/2005 6:18 pm

Wow... I've never been accused of being normal before!!!

Thank you all, so very much, for your well-wishes. They are much needed right now, and so much appreciated.

JDavidGoetz 39M

9/20/2005 6:26 pm

happy birthday elisa, i have a son , so i understand where u are coming from but u have to do what best for u. you will always love someone u fall for , believe me i know but just because u meet someone else, doesnt mean that u dont love them any more or less just different. hope that helps


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