SEX: Weapon, or Healing?  

rm_Ellenback 60F
903 posts
5/10/2006 9:21 pm

Last Read:
6/11/2006 8:14 am

SEX: Weapon, or Healing?

There was a time, during my long term relationship, when I truly used my lack of interest in anything sexual as a way to get back at my man. He had a high drive, and would chase me, even to the point of taking his pleasure while I was asleep..and yes, I COULD sleep through it, or at least, I pretended to. Mainly, I was so angry at him for cheating on me, and for being abusive, and all the other games he played, that it was the only passive-aggressive method I could think of to protect myself. He had an enormous dick, and was very intense during sex (no, girls, you CAN'T have his email address!!! ) which is great at times, and what a lot of women seem to be looking for, but it was the connection I was missing - gazing into my lover's eyes, feeling our spirits move together, a slow sensual grinding and gathering of emotions building to an apex. Instead, what I mostly got was a quick, or rather, not-so-quick, slammmmingggg pounding devoid of any emotion other than hostility.

That's not love, even if he used the words on me.

When we first got together, even though I had had sex before he entered the picture, I wasn't able to let him into me, and I'm unsure whether it was strictly size-related, or perhaps there was something wrong with me. He was just too long - it was painful for months, and I avoided it as best as I could! Of course, I was only 16 at the time, but him slamming into my cervix certainly did not turn me on...

As our relationship progressed, he managed to last longer and longer, and often was able to continue slamming for the better part of an hour! I'd zone out, make up a grocery list, or think of the things I'd have to do the next day, and we stopped having sex quite so frequently and there had been a time period of time when we actually 'did the horizontal mambo' daily, sometimes even 2x a day!
Damn, I was sore for the better part of many years after I had my kids...but I got pissed at the slamming and tension, and backed away - finding things to keep me occupied while I waited for him to fall asleep.

We eventually got into swinging, which I have already written about, and while it started out fantastic, it became polluted with other emotions, and spoiled.

This whole range of occurrences, combined with my very early experiences of sexual abuse, led me away from SEX, and I truly had no interest for years.

Then I left him, and hid in my cave for 8 months, still with no interest in men, women, or even battery-operated boyfriends...

One morning, I awoke, and realized I was hungry, and since I never eat breakfast, I couldn't figure out where this aching in my stomach was coming from. I had some toast, and some oatmeal, and still it remained.

I went to work, finished off the day, and then walked down the road to buy a pack of smokes at the gas station...that's where it happened: the UPS guy HIT ON ME!

WTF?

ME?

And, yeah, he was persistent, cute, and eligible, and all he offered me was a few smiles and a song - no sex, but wow could he sing!...I never saw him again, but I went home on the bus smiling for the first time in a long time. The banter had aroused something in me that I hadn't even been aware of...

I began singing again that Saturday...

Ooh Babeee...I'm hot...just like an oven.
I need some lovin.
And babeee...I can't hold it much longer.
It's getting stronger and stronger.
And when I get that feeling...
I want Sexual Healing!!
!

And I haven't stopped smiling yet...

My Dragon is awake, gets hungry quite frequently, and leads me down paths that I never even knew existed...like, the fact that sex can be both a weapon, and a healing for your soul.

Thank God for Dragons - MINE SAVED ME!

Have you found YOUR Dragon? Is sex hurting or healing you?

DRAGONSTATUS: SATIATED, with or without a man...!

(((squishyboobyhugs)))

Elle


ArtDent99 46M

5/12/2006 5:25 pm

Can sex hurt and heal at the same time? Some people pick scabs constantly, claiming it will heal cleaner and not leave a mark. Some people prefer to leave them alone, bearing the wounds with a strange sense of pride. Does this have anything to do with the question? In some ways yes....


rm_Ellenback 60F
966 posts
5/13/2006 9:33 am

    Quoting MsBettyCocker:
    Take about the height of irony - "Sexual Healing" was just ending on the local easy-listening station as I clicked onto your post.

    Hmmm now I'm thinking I should listen to Queen's song "Dragon Attack" and see if there's another meaning in there I've missed.

    Have a great day!

    ~Betty~
Thanks, Betty, I'd completely forgotten about that Queen song...will have to ummm 'buy' it soon and re-listen to it!

I absolutely adore your nickname, and have been 'perked' to visit your blog, as well!

You have a wonderful weekend, as well!

(((squishyboobyhugs)))

Elle


rm_Ellenback 60F
966 posts
5/13/2006 9:36 am

    Quoting ArtDent99:
    Can sex hurt and heal at the same time? Some people pick scabs constantly, claiming it will heal cleaner and not leave a mark. Some people prefer to leave them alone, bearing the wounds with a strange sense of pride. Does this have anything to do with the question? In some ways yes....
Definitely, Art - I tend to leave my scabs alone, as they did come with a high price, and I'm proud that I can bear them without rancour.

I think that any pain you experience is a solid piece of the healing process, it just depends on the level of your learning and growth.

(((squishyboobyhugs)))

Elle


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